Hi,
hadn't posted in a while cause it has been much much better with my 15-years married uBPD wife for the last 3 years (since start of COVID and a major earthquake in our town).
Not sure really is it because of her age (she is now 48) or as a result of the events that caused her to feel afraid and in need for my support (COVID, earthquake, heart problems resulting in need for heart medication)... but it surely came from around 1 major incident per month up to perhaps 3-4 in 3 years.
But today in the morning there was a "small" incident which reminded me on her condition and also made me wonder if I am doing things right.
So the thing I am thinking about right now is whether my approach, which is to minimise the blame caused incidents ("you did this / didn't do that" etc), was to do 110% in trying to not make stupid mistakes and things that might trigger her anger. Mostly in our household it is small stuff that needs to be done which is in my "department" because I am working from home and am my own boss, so most of the household chores came to my back (she does the ironing and dust cleaning when we do a two-week general clean-up).
As I am primarily a creative person and VERY disorganised in nature, and lived a single guy life until I was 35, with a cleaning lady on service, it is off course a big task, especially since I also take care of our son's school needs (homeworks, learning, projects). She used to take care of that because she is a special education teacher and is great in that area, but unfortunately because of the events last couple of years our son was forced to have school in the afternoon every alt week so she could not sustain her work with him.
I also cook (real cooking not just heating in microwave) couple days a week, depending on our "phase" - when we are on a diet so the meals she has at her work in the kindergarten don' work.
I am the main provider and earn well, but at the cost of sometimes having crazy periods with 10-15 projects developing at the same time, which means, together with all family obligations, that most of the time I am on the edge of whats possible.
So, what happens couple of times a week is that I don't manage to do some of the chores "properly", kitchen is not totally shining but is just "OK"; laundry is washed and dried but only the important pieces are sorted out and underware etc is not; I forget to do a task or buy something that she asked me to the day before before she comes from work etc.
Generally I am well aware of my wrongdoing but at the moment I calculate that my work is at that moment more pressing and that I can do the chore later, in the afternoon hours. As I manage my own time, this is really tricky because I don't have a boss over my head and in theory I COULD have done what was needed, but my experience tells me that it would end up with me not finishing my daily work plan, so I get behind, and then the money is behind, and then there is tension and we get into a moneyless pit. So basically I choose "the lesser evil".
To come back to the point (sorry for the intro but the context is needed to understand my question / issue)...
Until now my "plan" is to try 110% to minimise all those "wrongdoings" and really do my best to be "the best version of myself" because 1) it minimised her anger and 2) I get better with everything and feel personal growth which is important to me.
However, for example, this morning I was being yelled at in front of our 12yo son because yesterday I only partially sorted out the laundry and left a bulk of it as is. After trying to explain that it is not that I didn't sort / fold it, but that I did it partially, only a couple of important pieces that need to be folded while still hot, because it was too late, she did not believe it and told me that those few pieces were folded the day before (not true) and wouldn't hear about anything else, tension rising until the point she had an episode, first in a while, where she again off course called me names and threaten divorce, and told me that "she needs a partner that she can rely on, and not another child" etc. So because of a few pieces of unfolded laundry she create a
PLEASE READty morning for us all. Yes, it was my mistake, but is it really a thing to fight about? What would happen if I did a 10% of that yelling when she messes-up with crazy spontaneous, life-changing decisions?
So I was thinking that whole this idea of trying to be a Superman to avoid their anger, while being beneficial in a lot of ways, is also an illusion because it in fact does not "resolve" anything, it just "puts it under a rug" until later.
Which is generally the whole idea of me dealing with her uBPD - 1) avoid triggering her BPD, 2) wait until some day in the future her BPD goes away or at least minimises, 3) start living "normally", not taking a blame for everything, being allowed to make mistake etc.
So, now the question:
Is it really a good idea to try to be "a better man" 24/7 so that your uBPD partner is (more) OK;
or does that in fact "give in" to their condition and makes them think that there is nothing wrong with them?
Or to say it differently, is BPD a condition where it is beneficial if a person has as little incidents as possible, and that "helps" a person heal more rapidly (like some other psychiatrical conditions), even if that means that a person is allowed to live in her illusory world where everyone else is to blame for her misery; or is it a condition in which, off course trying to avoid real fights and emotional turmoils, what heals is when those around you hold you responsible for your wrongdoings and create strict boundaries of what is appropriate and what is not?
I am doing the first and it seems that my wife is better, and our family life is MUCH better; but perhaps that is just because I am trying to "not put out fire with gasoline"?
Or is a good balance of both a thing? Lost a bit here...
Thx for all the input anyone can provide.
(IMPORTANT - my wife does not have a clue on her condition and "does not believe in psychology" so therapy of any sort is not an option).
