I lurked here late 2021. Had to reach out this round. Appreciate anyone taking the time to read; i honestly I have no idea whether I'm asking for specific help, or if i'm just looking for an ear from someone who's been in it. Sorry for length...
Brief background: My [41] wife [45] has been diagnosed BPD for several years. We've been together almost 15 years, married almost 12. We have two boys (9 and 8).
Until 2018, when she "embraced" her BPD and sought treatment. Early 2018 she had her worst split to date and wound up cheating on me on a one night stand while she went down to another state to bury her recently deceased grandmother who she was very close to. We were having issues prior to this. It was soul crushing, but I chose to figure things out and move forward together. I wasn't and am not interested in tearing the family apart. Aside from that incident she's a quiet BPD type. She doesn't scream, get violent, hit, "escape"; she goes inward.
She got into BPD, I got into therapy (where 90% of it is "training" me on BPD and understanding it top to bottom and handling it), and we started trending up later that year. We had ups and downs almost exclusively related to the kids and parenting styles and homeschooling and such; we align on everything else.
In late 2021 we had a blow up and in retrospect I saw I stepped on several trip wires. In Oct that year she implored me to read a book about a particular parenting style that dropped negative reinforcement. I was very stressed at the time with my company and had tabled it. By late Nov, again in retrospect knowing she had held it in, I had used negative reinforcement on our youngest, she bottled it up, I could tell she was pissed about something and I forced her to tell me, over text no less. That triggered her boundaries (she didn't want to tell me) and opened her up about me not having taken her seriously about the book. It spiraled from there. She got very distant, perhaps having discarded me, and for the entire month of december it was just dealing with kids, groceries, odds and ends, while for the first half I spiraled into desperation, did some soul searching, identified valid issues that I needed to address in myself, implored her to talk, etc etc...silence. My therapist finally convinced me to stop. Meanwhile I heard her on more than one occasion talking to a stand-in therapist at the time (hers was on leave) about how she was keeping a smile on her face for the time being until she worked up the courage to leave.
We reconnected early January and it was probably the best time we've had since the boys were born until august last year. By this point I had also been on lexapro to deal with the emotional fallout from this, and to also address anxiety/depression stemming from my business. It brought me back to my old self, and she agreed. She said multiple times it felt like we were dating again at the time.
By late august, I had gained 35lbs thanks to lexapro and felt good enough to come off. Also late Aug, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. A later colonoscopy resulting in perforated colon would immobilize and put him in the hospital for most of his two months left. He died Nov 3 without even getting a chance to battle the cancer. Simultaneous with this, my business partners who I had been having issues with through the year, functionally stole what would amount to $200k, they'd cease their duties to the company, and as I type this we're on the cusp of going out of business, with a now-lawsuit hanging over my head. They gave me no other path but to litigate.
Suffice it to say, things have been difficult. Late last year my wife articulated she was battling some symptoms of BPD. I felt equipped. I wasn't.
About 5 weeks ago a similar pattern as 2021 emerged. We had been having issues with the boys with night time routines. She implored me to read a particular book about pathological demand avoidance (both are on the spectrum but high functioning). I read it but didn't articulate that to her. By early May I could sense her shutting down but didn't know why. In response I'm also shutting down because she's pushing me away for reasons I didn't understand.
Mid May our son has a complete meltdown about something. I hit my limit and have to tag her in. I get the opportunity to breathe, and after 15-20 minutes I come down, she has her head in her hands, and my son is on the couch still melting down. I say carefully, it's OK you can go upstairs. [yes I know the seasoned types will see my error here]. She hears "you're a bad mother", I hear "well here I go failing as a father and husband simultaneously". It degenerates into brief yelling and I manage to take our son out for the day - the entire day. We don't speak of it for a week+. She's chilly but not super cold. For her it wears off by like 8-9 days passed. My mood matches hers.
Almost two weeks ago similar issue arises. Our other son is having a minor meltdown. I see he's more stable then her so I opt to convince my wife to go to garage to get some space. I divert her attention to something totally unrelated and then I loop back to "well what if we do xyz" as it relates to our son's minor tantrum. This put up a brick wall with her and suggested I hadn't bought in to the parenting style she brought up in April. OK fine. Minor blow up. Later that day she shares with me two videos on said parenting style, as well as what I still feel is a snarky message from her along the lines of " i can see that we're not on the same page with parenting our sons, and making it seem like she's on one end of the field with sword and shield, the boys behind her, and i'm on the other side - her adversary. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I fired back with a defensive and likely triggering response where I basically tell her she's wrong, wrong, wrong...cue trigger
She goes super cold, cut me off and we haven't directly addressed anything since. more than a week ago I asked if we could talk and when rejected, it has sent me into a spiral of self reflection and analyzing where I went wrong.
Notwithstanding the fact that my father, who I was very close to, died, and my business that I spent 8.5 years building is pretty much dead, I effectively lost my way and without lexapro (which I'm back on as of a few days ago). 2021 I was adept at handling my own stresses and I was a goddamn pro at handling anything BPD. Like I went from clueless un-empathetic dip
PLEASE READ to master tactician worthy of an award. Then
PLEASE READ hit the fan and that went out the window. Looking back I can see the incidents that caused her to unravel and the patterns that I fell back into.
Right now we're almost two weeks into just emotionally cutting me off. I've sent her several emails since she's not talking where I'm laying things out and recognizing how I fell apart the last several months and how that's affected her...how I wish two recent interactions could have went...reiterating I'm love her unconditionally/nonjudgementally/etc and just want to figure this out so we can move on. I've 100% owned the earlier conversations because I escalated them. I'm not falling on my sword here. This like 2021 was a wake up call and I articulated that to her.
*silence*
It's literally just kids, groceries, odds and ends. I have no idea what to do. This is different from 2021 because unlike then when she made her gripes and triggers known, she's just 100% silent right now and it is absolutely destroying me. I know I'm supposed to go take care of myself and
PLEASE READ, but I literally can't because now I'm dealing with intrusive thoughts
And now as of this morning she asked for info about our assets
thanks for listening
