6 years

[Fraggleglock]

Good morning ya’ll!

My Fiancé has BPD, we have been together for over 5 years engaged for almost 1 year. For the last 2  years I’ve been screamed at (& I mean scream so loud it changes voices over time) the hitting has only been 1 year. I’ve booked us couple retreats in warmer climates and found  therapist. But when it comes time to look at behaviors towards me or apologize etc.I’ve been trying to fix my problems and it seems like my life is ONE huge problem now and I’m a physical and mental/emotionally abused care giver.

I love her so much. Im scared that I’m running out of patience.  and

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

Good morning Fraggle,

I am really sorry for what has brought you here. And I am really happy that you have found us.

This is a really good place.  Lots of wisdom, lots of caring, lots of listening and good advice. ZERO judgement.

I am really glad that you've used the word "abuse".  How did it feel for you to use it, I wonder?  (afraid, sad, confused, etc.)

You mention that you have started seeing a therapist? If so, how is that working for you? 

I, and others, are really here for you and will listen to what comes to the surface. You may find that as you begin to write and reflect, reflect and write, your focus about your situation becomes clearer. If it does, then what you need to do should become easier.

If it becomes cloudy, then that is a sure sign as to why you are running out of patience, because each of us has our limits, even though every person has different limitations.

I'll stop there and simply repeat. Welcome. Sorry for what brings you here. Happy that you have found us.

Thoughts about what we've shared so far?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Fraggleglock]

Thank you for the warm welcome,

I    We had a couples therapist, but that eventually was blown up. I have an individual therapist but whenever we have a session, I’m accused of something.
As for the abuse, sadly enough I’m getting used to it,  bad days now outnumber good days.  I’m blamed for the BPD, I’m blamed for triggers, and it’s my fault I’m yelled at. I know it’s not my fault but I do wonder if we had never met would her life be so miserable, and if I leave will she start to do better. Am I being selfish

[Rev]

A) Thank you for the warm welcome,

I    We had a couples therapist, but that eventually was blown up. B) I have an individual therapist but whenever we have a session, I’m accused of something.
As for the abuse, sadly enough I’m getting used to it,  bad days now outnumber good days.  I’m blamed for the BPD, I’m blamed for triggers, and it’s my fault I’m yelled at. I know it’s not my fault but I do wonder if we had never met would her life be so miserable, and if I leave will she start to do better. C) Am I being selfish

A) You're most welcome. People did the same for me. One day you'll pay it forward too.

B) So wow, that doesn't sound too supportive. I am sure you've thought about a new therapist.  Have you been able to confront your therapist about this dynamic?  For sure a therapist is not doing their job if they are not challenging your mindset. AND - there's a difference between a positive confrontation that is meant to be enlightening and leveling an accusation.

C) NO - you are NOT being selfish. In fact the whole purpose of abuse is to get a victim to think that very thing - that they are not entitled to their thoughts, emotions or needs.  And that is how abusers keep the people they are abusing stuck.  So - again - no, you are NOT being selfish.

Hope this helps.  Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev

[Turkish]

As for the abuse, sadly enough I’m getting used to it,  bad days now outnumber good days.  I’m blamed for the BPD, I’m blamed for triggers, and it’s my fault I’m yelled at. I know it’s not my fault but I do wonder if we had never met would her life be so miserable, and if I leave will she start to do better. Am I being selfish

No. She owns her behavior . Blaming you is a classic sign of an Abuser.

Do you feel safe, and do you have a plan? Have you looked into Bettering tools like this?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

[Fraggleglock]

She doesn’t own her behavior. I’m accused of everything under the sun. And if I say Anything that is different from what she thinks! Forget about it.  eyes dilate and screaming and violent tantrums. As for feeling safe. All firearms have left my house. Sometimes I try to leave but I’m afraid she will kill herself cause she says she will. This has been like this since 2020 reallly.

[Rev]

She doesn’t own her behavior. I’m accused of everything under the sun. And if I say Anything that is different from what she thinks! Forget about it.  eyes dilate and screaming and violent tantrums. As for feeling safe. All firearms have left my house. Sometimes I try to leave but I’m afraid she will kill herself cause she says she will. This has been like this since 2020 reallly.

Hi Fraggle

I'm really sorry you're caught in the situation.  I've suffered the verbal and sometimes physical abuse you describe.

My ex was way too Npd to want to commit suicide. However I do know of men whose partners threatened the same.

That too is considered as abusive behavior.  I don't know about you but I was such a mess that I didn't know what was true any more. 

You have confirmed that you're physically safe. Are you psychologically safe as well?

Turkish talks about a safety plan. Part of that is talking to at least one other person about what's really going on.

Keep reaching out here ... and is there someone you can add to the list of supports you have?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[waverider]

Sometimes I try to leave but I’m afraid she will kill herself cause she says she will. This has been like this since 2020 reallly.

,

Make that an issue between her and the emergency Authorities it is not your responsibility, using that as a lever against you is an abusive tool