"Damned if you do, damned if I don't" pattern

[Sappho11]

I wonder how many people here have been raised in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" family of origin. In other words, where it was expected of you to do or be certain things, but if you did them well, you got punished for them.

I grew up in several foster/step families that all had this pattern. I was always punished for the slightest flaw, but if I was good at something, it was seen as a threat and also put me in physical and emotional danger. Whatever I did, nothing could ever have a positive outcome. (As a consequence, I've never learnt to enjoy receiving praise or success, and even almost 20 years onwards, it either doesn't touch me at all or I get very uneasy about it. But back to the point...)

This has turned into a massive self-sabotaging pattern. My BPD relationship naturally mimicked these conditions.

The childhood/adolescent/adult friendships I picked were largely the same, though the danger here wasn't so much physical, but rather that people would suddenly go cold when I had the slightest bit of success. My career similarly.

Romantically, I've found myself gravitating towards men below my "league" in all aspects. The relationships follow the same pattern: They admire me from afar, sometimes for years, we get close, I give them attention/love, try to be my best self, they retreat because they feel "inadequate". At that point, my own self-esteem tanks because I keep thinking "I didn't even like him in the beginning, and now even HE can't stand me?" Over and over again.

I've just spent two weeks at home (luckily I work remotely) without leaving the house, and I might finally have caught on to this being the root of all my misery. My repetition of the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" pattern, unconsciously reinforced hundreds of times in dozens of relations, affirming the assumption that nothing I ever do could possibly yield positive results.

So my question is really, have you experienced the same? How was it for you growing up? And if you have been in my place and have recovered somehow – how did you break free from this cycle?

[Notwendy]

Our childhood families of origin have an influence on who we attract and who is attracted to us- beyond just physical attraction. The "no win" situation can play out in many ways. With my BPD mother, it's her need to be in Victim position. So she'll be in a situation where she needs help. We do the best we can to help her. Yet she will find something we did, or didn't do, or didn't do correctly- something that made the attempt to assist wrong, or inadequate- and eventually we get frustrated and give up trying. Then her response is "nobody is helping". This plays out on almost all situations from minor- she sends us to the store for a can of soup and it's the wrong brand, or the wrong kind of noodles in it. Something minor ruins the whole thing. Or we do a big thing for her and she then undoes it or changes her mind.

I also feel uncomfortable when being praised or complimented. When my BPD mother does that, I can feel the goosebumps and hair standing on end. When she compliments me, I know she's up to something, it's a manipulation. Or one moment, she's singing my praises can be that I am the worst child on the planet the next.

I did a lot of work on this with 12 step co-dependency programs. One thing we learned is that "we teach people how to treat us" meaning if we tolerate people treating us poorly, then people who do this will do it. Another slogan is "take yourself off the sale rack". I would respond to even a crumb of attention. I also didn't want to go to far to the other side. BPD mother is high maintenance. Neither is a good way to function in relationships. If someone paid too much attention to me, like love bombing-that didn't feel comfortable- and it could be a red flag about that person.

It's good that your recognize this about yourself. Therapy, 12 step co-dependency work-it's the personal work on yourself, your own self esteem, that has the potential to change who you choose to be with and who you attract. In our groups, we advise people to not get romantically involved with someone while doing this work, at least not right away, because we do make changes in our own self esteem.