Extended marriage separation - success stories and strategies?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Five months ago, my wife of nine years initiated a separation.  I didn’t see it coming from a mile away, but looking back I can see that her splitting was getting worse and worse over time and it was affecting my confidence and relationships with other people.  I came to realize that she has undiagnosed bpd.  Since then, things have gotten worse and then, I think, better.  
The decline – at first, she wanted a relationship but not like what we had.  She felt abandoned, largely because I was stressed out and lived as roadblock to her impulsivity instead of enjoying it and working with it.  Then we need a separation, then she needed physical space for a while (I moved nearby), then she told me and her family that I’m a narcissist and an abuser, then she just wanted to be friends, then she told me she had been seeing other people, then she told me we needed to stop seeing each other.  To me, that was the conclusive ending.  
The ascent – following that, however, over the last month, she has wanted to see me every day, more or less, and things have become increasingly more comfortable between us.  She said we are best friends, and she has said that its possible we would get back together (although “anything’s possible”), and there are even moments when I feel like she is excited about that idea.  At times, she has seemed to split me white, saying very complementary things about me and my potential as a husband and father, and become more negative to the outside world.  I don’t believe she is seeing other people right now.
The constant – throughout this process, her messages have been very mixed (wearing or not wearing her ring, for example), conveying just enough hope to give me a sense of possibility (this is just how I feel right now, why did I do this, etc).  She has also shown and expressed that she is deeply struggling, while also sometimes telling me that she is doing great.  On my side, I have continuously validated her emotions (except where I fundamentally disagree - I am not a narcissist, for example) and expressed that I love her, I do not want to see other people, and I want a new, non-codependent relationship with her.  I have also worked very hard on myself, through therapy, self-reflection and developing my other relationships and interests.
My plan is to continue to express my love for her, work on my independence and expand my knowledge of bpd.  My hope is that at some point, there might be a return, and at that point I would like to explore the idea of therapy for her, or at least some ways of regulating emotions using dbt.  She has expressed interest in therapy several times, but never with the idea that she needs to change, only to heal.
I have two questions:
1. Has anyone been through a situation similar to this (a long separation where you are no longer split black and both parties remained committed to a relationship of some kind).  How did it go?  I have seen her split friends black and then excitedly reestablish the relationship months or years later.
2. I have seen a lot of stories where people have either gone no contact and some where people have chased their spouse.  Sometimes the spouse comes back but usually not for good.  Has anyone taken this approach of continuing to express your love and interest in a future while also working on yourself and validating their emotions?  My theory is that going no contact will trigger their fear of abandonment, but that is not productive for the long term, and chasing will also trigger a fear of engulfment, again not good for the long term.  However, showing that I am not abandoning her while also effectively becoming strong enough to be independent and withstand the emotional turmoil of being with her, seems like the best option.  But has anyone seen this actually work?
Lastly, I have read over and over about how these relationships are doomed to fail.  I get it and I can take the risk.  I also completely understand the amount of self-sacrifice that is required for a relationship with someone with bpd.  I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You; Don't Leave Me.  I know my worth and I know why I am comfortable with it.  That might be my future, but I am absolutely committed to any chance of recovery for at least the next few months.  

[BuryMe]

Five months ago, my wife of nine years initiated a separation.  I didn’t see it coming from a mile away, but looking back I can see that her splitting was getting worse and worse over time and it was affecting my confidence and relationships with other people.  I came to realize that she has undiagnosed bpd.  Since then, things have gotten worse and then, I think, better.  
The decline – at first, she wanted a relationship but not like what we had.  She felt abandoned, largely because I was stressed out and lived as roadblock to her impulsivity instead of enjoying it and working with it.  Then we need a separation, then she needed physical space for a while (I moved nearby), then she told me and her family that I’m a narcissist and an abuser, then she just wanted to be friends, then she told me she had been seeing other people, then she told me we needed to stop seeing each other.  To me, that was the conclusive ending.  
The ascent – following that, however, over the last month, she has wanted to see me every day, more or less, and things have become increasingly more comfortable between us.  She said we are best friends, and she has said that its possible we would get back together (although “anything’s possible”), and there are even moments when I feel like she is excited about that idea.  At times, she has seemed to split me white, saying very complementary things about me and my potential as a husband and father, and become more negative to the outside world.  I don’t believe she is seeing other people right now.
The constant – throughout this process, her messages have been very mixed (wearing or not wearing her ring, for example), conveying just enough hope to give me a sense of possibility (this is just how I feel right now, why did I do this, etc).  She has also shown and expressed that she is deeply struggling, while also sometimes telling me that she is doing great.  On my side, I have continuously validated her emotions (except where I fundamentally disagree - I am not a narcissist, for example) and expressed that I love her, I do not want to see other people, and I want a new, non-codependent relationship with her.  I have also worked very hard on myself, through therapy, self-reflection and developing my other relationships and interests.
My plan is to continue to express my love for her, work on my independence and expand my knowledge of bpd.  My hope is that at some point, there might be a return, and at that point I would like to explore the idea of therapy for her, or at least some ways of regulating emotions using dbt.  She has expressed interest in therapy several times, but never with the idea that she needs to change, only to heal.
I have two questions:
1. Has anyone been through a situation similar to this (a long separation where you are no longer split black and both parties remained committed to a relationship of some kind).  How did it go?  I have seen her split friends black and then excitedly reestablish the relationship months or years later.
2. I have seen a lot of stories where people have either gone no contact and some where people have chased their spouse.  Sometimes the spouse comes back but usually not for good.  Has anyone taken this approach of continuing to express your love and interest in a future while also working on yourself and validating their emotions?  My theory is that going no contact will trigger their fear of abandonment, but that is not productive for the long term, and chasing will also trigger a fear of engulfment, again not good for the long term.  However, showing that I am not abandoning her while also effectively becoming strong enough to be independent and withstand the emotional turmoil of being with her, seems like the best option.  But has anyone seen this actually work?
Lastly, I have read over and over about how these relationships are doomed to fail.  I get it and I can take the risk.  I also completely understand the amount of self-sacrifice that is required for a relationship with someone with bpd.  I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You; Don't Leave Me.  I know my worth and I know why I am comfortable with it.  That might be my future, but I am absolutely committed to any chance of recovery for at least the next few months.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Mixed messages seems pretty standard for someone with untreated BPD.

It's challenging when it's a romantic partnership because splitting can take on real consequences with separation/divorce and whatnot.

Ring is on (you're split white), ring is off (you're split black), but when it becomes move out (you're split black) things feel more real even if/when followed eventually by move back in (you're split white).

There are success stories gathered here, although they may not be quite as specific.

It is probably hard to show her that you're not abandoning her. She abandons her *self*. Development of her self was arrested for some reason. For many of us we developed a sense of self around rescuing/saving/fixing others (to avoid focusing on the development of our own self, which developed anyway, but with damage). For someone with BPD, this will be more challenging because the development of a real self was interrupted.

You can't give her a self, but you can be less invalidating about how you communicate things with her so that you aren't making it worse.

It takes tremendous strength to not be emotionally injured by a BPD relationship.

Some magical thinking in your logic is that this is a one-off that won't occur again. If you moved out (split black) and moved back in (split white), what would be different next time you establish a boundary?

[BuryMe]

Thanks very much for your reply.  I do think there are a few things that would be different: first, I now know she has BPD and I know how to communicate better (not JADE-ing or taking things personally, for example); second, I would have much fewer boundaries now that I better understand how impactful those are; and third, I would try to introduce her to DBT for distress tolerance and checking the facts, etc. and, ideally, get her into therapy.
I have read the success stories and it seems like unfortunately they are mostly instances where low-functioning people with BPD hit rock bottom and then get forced into therapy or where the partner was able to give an ultimatum before a discard.  There are some instances where therapy has been introduced in a recycle so that would be my hope?  I have some optimism because I feel a sense of progress and because it sounds like recycles are more common than not (around 70%)?

[Ben D]

I’m currently in this exact situation. Trying to navigate giving her her space without invoking that abandonment feeling and also trying not to hover and come off as “trying to win her back”. She met someone and over the course of the last year she split “black” as you put it, with me and he became her number 1. All positive emotions attributed to him and anything negative attributed to me. I know there isn’t a guide to this stretch of separation but I’ve asked all the same questions, I’m with you.

[BuryMe]

Thanks, Ben.  We are in this together.  I know this feels impossible but I am glad that in your situation she is aware of her disorder and is doing DBT.  If there are any situations where things consistently work out, it's through DBT.  You are also living together so object constancy is not an issue. 

One thing that has been helpful for me is to give myself a period within which I am planning on not "giving up" - one year.  After that I will reevaluate.  You might want to try that?

I have also found it helpful to talk to people who have BPD, because they can better help me interpret some of the mixed messages and push me to be patient with her.

Have you seen any success stories that are similar to ours?