Fork in the road

[Smrhgm]

Even though my 20year old has never officially been diagnosed with BPD, she believes she has it as well as therapists.

History: I became a single mom when she was 6. It was her and I bonding and having the best mom and relationship anyone would want. When she was 12 I starting dating the man that is now my husband. My daughter started to get bullied in school and her mental health took a toll. Over the years she has encountered traumatic events with young men whom raped and stalked her. Needless to say she didn’t have an easy teenage life. But I was always there as her support. Getting her the help she needed and asked for. Even during the most extreme panic attacks with suicide ideation she stated that I’m the only one that truly loves her. And she is 100% right. I love her unconditionally with all of my being.

This year: my daughters cat that I bought for her when she was 6 yrs old has been getting sick. My daughter took the cat to the vet and she was sick and admitted. After a few days inpatient and $3K later the cat came home. The cat seemed to be doing better…but, then quickly started to deteriorate. My daughter approached me and said she doesn’t know how much of a sick cat she can handle. I told her it’s not fair to the cat either to be so sick. I said it might be time. My daughter agreed. Weeks went by and she approached me again to inform me the cat was making weird noises throughout the night and waking my daughter up. (My daughter moved out last Sept with friends and the cat went with her). I know my daughters mental health and offered to make the cat a quality of life appointment. My daughter agreed. I stated I would take her if she wanted and I would handle it if my daughter thought she couldn’t handle the potential news. My daughter agreed. I called on a Tuesday for a quality of life appointment, scheduled for Wednesday. I talked to my daughter on Tuesday telling her the appointment was scheduled for Wednesday at 6p. I said she could decide if she wanted to go but could sleep on it. I told her the quality of life appointment could mean her cat might not come home. At 4p on Wednesday she texted and said she didn’t want to go. She said “she got her eyelashes done and didn’t want to cry them out”. I said “do you want me to keep you posted with how the appointment is going?” She said “no”.

My daughter said she wouldn’t be home when I would come to pick up the cat. I proceeded to my daughters house and picked up the cat to go to the quality of life appointment. As the vet and I talked, she agree the cat was very sick. She did say we could go more rounds of medicine again but want confident the cat wouldn’t feel better for long. This was my first time taking an animal for a quality of life app and started to second guess…and think maybe I should do more meds. But then I thought “my daughter had come to terms that her cat is sick and was prepared for the cat to not come home” and the vet agreed that It’s time. I proceeded with putting the cat down for her long slumber. I didn’t reach out to my daughter during, or after as I was trying to honor her wishes. I texted her boyfriend to inform him that I would return the carrier another day. I then received a call from my daughter in hysterical panic attack yelling “you took my cat to the vet and killed her, I will never forgive you”.

Today: it’s been 3 weeks and I still haven’t been able to talk to my daughter. I have tried calling, texting and she has just blocked me. I’ve tried to interact with her, yet give her space to grieve. The Wednesday after, 1 week later the Sheriff is at my door asking me if I own her car. I stated yes, and he stated “there was an incident at target where a man jumped on the hood of her car”. My heart dropped as I knew she was probably having a panic attack and her boyfriend was trying to do what he could for her in the moment. I immediately tried calling my daughter , but no answer. I called the boyfriend and he said they were fighting and he admitted to jumping on the hood of the car. He said she out of the blue went in to a full on panic attack”. I’m lucky that her boyfriend is responsive to me, but he knows our strong relationship and also honors me as a mom. As I worry day and night for my daughter, I  continue to honor her and give space.

 I found an opportunity to where her license plate tags expired this month, and I renewed them. Thinking I could take them to her and maybe she will talk to me. I saw her for a brief moment at work, she was eating outside in her car. Asked if I could put her tags on her car plates and she nodded. When I approached her window when done she rolled it up and ignored me. I left.

A week later (this week)  I asked if she was interested to drive to another state to buy fireworks? And if not ride with me, did she want some. She replied 12 hrs later. “No to the drive, but yes to the fireworks. Thx”. I was so happy to even get a reply.

Here I sit today wondering, is she expecting me to arrive at her door or keep calling, texting ? To show that I really love her? I feel like she has always had this expectation of people to read her mind and act  upon the mind reading. I’m so at a loss of what to do to try to just start with a conversation with her. I don’t want to be the straw that broke the back and her suicide ideation  comes to fruition. Does she think or believes I didn’t make the right attempts to repair what she is blaming me for killing her cat?

If only I knew this would be the result of what I thought was for her best interest and I was helping….I would have never gone to that appointment.

Accepting any and all advice?

Broken heart mama

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Smrhgm,
    What you've described, about the cat, is exactly what I went through with our UBPD son. He had the cat in grad school, but felt he could no longer take care of him (due to the cat's health issues). We agreed to take the cat, with the understanding that we would need to make decisions about the end of life. The cat became so old that he began to have organ failure. When we had him put down, I called our son, and he accused me of killing his cat. I cried, heartbroken. You have my comfort and empathy. He finally came around to putting the whole matter in the past.

[Smrhgm]

By Still Water, I am grateful for your words. I pray for her to come back around and at minimum talk to me again. Knowing you had a very similar situation leads me to believe she’ll come around. I’m hopeful it will be sooner than later!