Vulnerability

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel lonely tonight, lonely like I felt lonely when my mom died, as I wailed in the night, praying to god, when god is barely in my vocabulary, lonely as I searched for support and had to suffer until I found all the resourcefulness I could muster to heal myself from it, as I learned to journal and cry in my bed lonely, lonely as  I told my counselor at the time how hard it was, and he gave me the flier to teach me how to journal out complicated grief, lonely as I read Elizabeth Kubler Rosses book to help me through it, lonely as I searched for support after my friends suicide. And god, the most lonely I’ve ever felt was fighting for what I believed in, to get the support I needed.

I’m only human, and even a man has needs. I am able to be vulnerable tonight because my counselor impressed me so much. When I told her men can be needy too, and she found it so endearing and agreed. Or when she confidently reassured me of not abandoning me. Now that I’ve got her help. I am reassured that life won’t fall apart if I rest from this fight, because I know I can’t do this alone. I know I’ve got some inspiring thing to say. But this is the best I’ve got.

That I am not ashamed of feeling this way. Reaching out, vulnerable and alone, whispering to this community, like a whisper to the chaos.