I need advice please + I'm new to this

[parker44]

So my girlfriend of 3 years has BPD, depression, anxiety and PTSD and we are both 17 years old. (She has had a very abusive past with family and previous relationship). We have been living together at her parents house for the past 8 months as I have a bad home life too.

Everything in our relationship was fine for the first three months or so as what everybody calls the honeymoon phase and then after we had our first argument we have become very toxic. We argued a lot throughout the first year of our relationship and broke up briefly many times.

 After about a year was the first time she put her hands on me and we didn't know why she was doing this because she would be overwhelmed with guilt and sorrow afterwards. It has only really been the last year that we knew it was BPD.

There has been numerous times I have reacted back which I recognize is wrong. Sometimes I have been able to not react but as of recent I really messed up because there was a very bad fight and I seeked comfort in another girl (nothing physical just texting).

She doesn't always have an episode when we argue but lately it is getting more frequent and I know that is my fault.

I feel trapped as I'm constantly being monitored now and again that is my fault but I cannot bring up the disrespectful things she's done because it is apparently flipping it around on her or she has excuses.

When we are good we are amazing together but when we are bad I feel like I'm going to end up resenting her and I really don't want to because I'm aware it's not her and I feel like a horrible person.

I don't remember the last time I had any alone time and I definitely won't be having any soon without it causing an argument and being falsely accused.

I have never really encountered mental health before I've been with her as I don't suffer from this myself but I potentially have autism.

I'm scared I will lose her and I do really love her.

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[Rev]

Hi Parker,

Welcome!  Sorry for what has brought you here AND I am happy that you found us.

You've asked some really great questions and given some good details about what things look like in your world.  I am really impressed with your honesty and self awareness.

There are a few different threads in your story. Sometimes I find it helps to disentangle them before analyzing the whole situation.  That way you can answer each thread on its own terms - in other words decide what you should do about each.

1) You say that you love her. Can you say more about that?  For example, what are the signs that lead you to call it love? Is it mutual? Has she said she loves you too?  Can you think of other things?

2) You say that you potentially are on the autistic spectrum.  In sharing that, what are you hoping that the people who read your thread understand? Put another way, what is motivating you to share that face as part of your story.

3) You mention that you reached out to someone outside your relationship for emotional comfort?  Can you say more about the needs you were meeting that were not being met inside the relationship?

4) You say that the relationship has turned toxic?  Toxic is a word that means different things to different people.  If the relationship were not toxic, what would that look like to you?

5) You say that you KNOW that the arguing is your fault?  Can you say more about what leads you to make that conclusion?

6)  You say that you have not had alone time and that alone time leads you to be falsely accused.  There's two parts to this that you have connected:  Alone time and being accused.  What are you being accused of?  What is it about alone time that makes you satisfied or happy?  How are the two connected in your relationship?

I hope this helps keep things clear and manageable.  Take your time with this.   One step at a time will help guide you to the answers that you might know are already there but may that you are not 100% sure about.

What do you think?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[parker44]

Hi Rev, thank you for the kind words and reaching out.

1) I know i love her because I would do anything for her and she’s the one I can talk to and she’s there for me and I’m there for her too. I think she’s amazing and she has all these little things about her that make her herself. She has said she loves me too and i know she feels similar towards me but sometimes when she’s in an episode she will say she doesn’t.

2)Well I struggle with day to day things such as basic self care and chores as well as I also struggle with comprehending different things mentally and that has triggered her to go into an episode once or twice.

3)I started texting a girl online, it wasn’t really anything major just normal conversations and a bit of joking around but my girlfriend has took it and blown it up and is calling it cheating. At the time of me doing that, I was feeling neglected and hurt because In the most recent episode she had she hit me and started telling me nobody loves me which I felt like was true because my family doesn’t and after the episode was over she ignored me for 2 days because she was feeling guilty but I thought she was still mad at me.

4)If the relationship wasn’t toxic, we would be able to communicate more without it turning into an argument and without me always being the bad guy whilst she is convinced she’s always innocent and she’s always the victim.

5) Lately the arguments are my fault sort of because of the whole “cheating” thing and it’s caused quite a few arguments lately. Overall though she blames every argument on me and that’s why I think everything is my fault.

6)I feel like if I was to go for a walk or something she would accuse me of going to call another girl or something. Alone time would be nice to just do what I want to do I can’t even text my friends even if they are boys I can’t even listen to my music.

[Rev]

Hey Parker,

These are great answers in the sense that they are super clear and honest.   What was it like to answer them I wonder?  When you read your answers, what does your intuition tell you?  (Sometimes we need to sit with our answers for a while before our intuition kicks in - and that's okay.)

1) I know i love her because I would do anything for her and she’s the one I can talk to and she’s there for me and I’m there for her too. I think she’s amazing and she has all these little things about her that make her herself. She has said she loves me too and i know she feels similar towards me but sometimes when she’s in an episode she will say she doesn’t.  So there is stuff at the foundation to work with then - it sound like it's just a question of keeping things stable so that you can spend more time in this space then when you two are not connecting.  Sound about right?

2)Well I struggle with day to day things such as basic self care and chores as well as I also struggle with comprehending different things mentally and that has triggered her to go into an episode once or twice. K... thanks.  So what I want you to hear is that each of us have minds that put things together in their own way. You can continue to learn what it means to have a mind that works in a particular way. AND ... so can she. What this means is that each of you takes responsibility for their own choices, own thoughts, own reactions, own responses.  It's the difference between you saying "I triggered her" and "She allowed herself to be triggered."  What do you think?

3)I started texting a girl online, it wasn’t really anything major just normal conversations and a bit of joking around but my girlfriend has took it and blown it up and is calling it cheating. At the time of me doing that, I was feeling neglected and hurt because In the most recent episode she had she hit me and started telling me nobody loves me which I felt like was true because my family doesn’t and after the episode was over she ignored me for 2 days because she was feeling guilty but I thought she was still mad at me.  This kind of "push-pull" behavior is totally normal for people with BPD. The cycle is - overreact - lash out and/or pull back - return to "normal" as if nothing happened.  How much do you know about the typical patterns of pwBPD? Have you read through some of the resources here?

4)If the relationship wasn’t toxic, we would be able to communicate more without it turning into an argument and without me always being the bad guy whilst she is convinced she’s always innocent and she’s always the victim.So you have a great clue here as to timing.  When the relationship turns toxic - it's time to employ some of the tools here - like JADE and SET.  Have a look and we can coach you through them.

5) Lately the arguments are my fault sort of because of the whole “cheating” thing and it’s caused quite a few arguments lately. Overall though she blames every argument on me and that’s why I think everything is my fault.  See my answer to number three - kind've the same thing. This is what we call "being painted black."


6)I feel like if I was to go for a walk or something she would accuse me of going to call another girl or something. Alone time would be nice to just do what I want to do I can’t even text my friends even if they are boys I can’t even listen to my music. So now that we've had a back and forth on points 1 through 5, let's pretend that the shoe is on the other foot, and I said this to you about my relationship. What would you say to me? If you could use one word to describe this dynamic what would it be?

Hopefully this provides you with some basis to start figuring this all out.  If you love her and you want to keep her in your life, it might not be a bad idea to be really sure about the exact reasons why - to help you remember during the more challenging times when you will need to set and maintain clear boundaries (see point six).

What do you think?  What is your next thought or question or decision ... or ... whatever is on your mind?

Hang in there.  

Reach out any time.

Rev