No Contact, But it's complicated

[Green2023]

I've made one post already, and it directed me to a lot of resources that I'm probably going to re-read after I've posted this. I really do appreciate everyone who shared their words, and I'm hoping you guys have some more wisdom for me.

It's relevant to go first and saying I have end stage heart failure, and am on my fourth mechanical heart. My mother, the one with BPD, has been with me and supported me through each one. She has taken me to appointments, helped me with recovery, and helped me through evacuations through hurricanes and even given me her old car. For the most part, she has done everything a parent should do.

But now I'm not sure anymore. I've been silent and more or less a 'yes-man' for all of my adult life because she has been providing me shelter, or support, or other resources. Today (6/22) I stopped agreeing with everything she said. Officially. Last time I posted, I had been forced to call emergency services on here and have her admitted to the hospital. She was released only four days later. It has not even been a month, and already it's like she never went. She has been getting increasingly hostile with my stepfather, stepbrother, insurance companies, and in her entire time being released she has not once called to have a conversation with me, only to demand support or to complain/vent. She keeps dragging me into the middle of her marriage and now claims I am taking my stepfather's 'side' because I think she making terrible mistakes that are literally going to lead to the end of her marriage.

I simply could not help her anymore if she refused to try and get help with, and admit that she had, BPD. Once upon a time, she did; now its like a dirty word to her. I told her this, and it did not end well. Immediately I am the enemy, I am a terrible son, how dare i abandon her when she stuck with me through all my medical issues, etc (all of which i expected). The difference is...this time I'm ignoring her and not taking her calls or reading her text messages. I tried, I really did, and the guilt and shame are now overwhelming me with the possibility of having to go completely no contact with her. Is this all just her trying to manipulate me? Am I in the wrong? Am I feeling way more guilt than I should? A million questions are buzzing through my head and I guess I just need some people to talk to that understand that this was a hard decision to make, and I feel so sorry that I had to make it.

[Tortuga50550]

Hi Green2023,

Welcome to the forum! Sorry that you're going through that. But first of all, no, it's not your fault. My BPDfather does similar things like your mother: he tries to make me feel guilt by telling me he has done so much for me and that I'm ungrateful. Do they believe that or not is still a mystery for me, but for what I've seen in this forum, guilt trips and emotional manipulation are a common reaction of BPD people when they feel attacked.
Even though you're not responsible of your mother's reaction, it's normal that you feel guilty. Specially if you've never tried to argue before with her. But you DON'T need to feel guilty. You didn't choose to have this medical issue, and she did choose to help you. Which, IMHO, it's what parents are suppose to do in these cases. This is not an exchange of good and services, where if your mother does something for you you must listen to her every whim. It's suppose to be selfless, an act of love from a dear one.
Try to think from another perspective. If a dear one (your parents, a hypothetical son or daughter) had a medical problem, wouldn't you be worry and try to help them in whatever I could? Would you try to force them to give you something in return (not necessary financially) just because you brought them this help?
It won't necessary help erasing all the guilt and shame, but I think it's a good place to start reflecting about.
Wish you all the best.
And welcome to the group!