Desperate and Feeling Alone

[Fulbright87]

Hello all,

I’m (35M) a long time reader and have been too shy to post until now and, frankly, ashamed. I have been in a relationship with my pwBPD for almost six years now. It’s been a rough ride with bouts of verbal abuse and more recently physical harm has befallen me (punching me in the gut by accident when upset, clawing hard enough to gouge at my throat near an artery in order to keep me in the house during an episode). For years I’ve been told that I am the root of all problems in this relationship, that there are no others who have driven her to this madness.

The truth is her mother tells me horror stories of abusive tirades during her teenage years. This is mingled with tales of how both parents physically abused my partner and her sense of self was constantly diminished by a narcissistic mother. It can become dizzying listening to both stories and having my own narrative of abuse confirmed while managing what is no doubt her own trauma.

I feel for her in so many ways. I care for her and serve as her caregiver regularly. I also withstand the fact that I am told that I am found undesirable, that she would rather be with a fictional character that would be someone with initiative and carry romance in his heart. I’m constantly told how I am a poison in her life, sapping her will to live and driving her to suicide (I am regularly told that she hopes I find her corpse and carry the burden of it for the rest of my life). I am told how these six years were a relationship of necessity, that she never found me attractive, that she came to me out of desperation and has hated me for over ten years that we’ve known one another. I am the black hole in her life.

And yet I am told that I cannot leave. That I can never make up for the damage I have done (we have both said some devastating things over the years, I admit. I have also physically struggled when she has entrapped me against my will within a room or withheld my means of getting away from her hours of abuse.) while simultaneously being told that she has anchored to me as her sole support in this world. Today I was pushed when, after a ketamine treatment, she asked for my input and I fumbled in delivering something that could help. This in turn resulted in being told that I am wrong 99% of the time, that I am stupid and that she deserved better while in such a fragile state. After a verbal drubbing of a similar form in the morning I had to say that I wouldn’t tolerate her verbal abuse any more. She said she was entitled to it and compared me to a friend she lost just yesterday for putting myself before her medical needs. After she actually called me poison, a roadblock and Satan himself while insulting my “crackhead” mother she expected me to comfort her, she told me I owed it to her. That she could be the only victim because her heart rate was elevated and I wanted space from her for the horrid things she had said.

I have no friends (something I am told is because of the awful contents of my character), so I stew in this alone. I am often told how much her friends would hate me or how she could ruin my career with a word. I strain to love someone like this. And I feel terrible for all the I’s in this post but it’s been too much to bear alone. I want it to work out between us, the moments where she isn’t splitting are wonderful, she’s a caring individual who is deeply troubled. I need to set boundaries but I fear the length of time she has grown comfortable with the idea that verbal abuse is a justified choice has bled all respect from this household.

Apologies for all this, I’m just truly desperate. I am considering moving back home to Texas come August after her initial ketamine therapy is finished and cutting contact but I really do want to arm myself with tools of compassion in reaching out to her if at all possible.

I hope you’re all well and safe. Thank you for being yourselves through every hardship you’ve had to endure.

Peace be with you all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Fulbright87 and a warm welcome to the group. So glad you felt ready to join and post -- it's a big step to make your voice heard, and this is a good place to try that out.

It makes sense to post on the "Bettering" board for starters, because like you said, whatever direction you choose for being in your relationship or not, learning the tools and skills for communication with a pwBPD will be a net plus. At any time you are welcome to post on other boards based on what you choose moving forward.

You mention August being a potential decision point for you about moving on. What would you say your top concerns are for your safety and well being between now and then? (I.e., the physical abuse, the verbal abuse, her SI threats ... Or is it everything)? We can pick something to focus on to get you through.

Am I reading correctly that you recognize that she is abusing you?

And are you seeing a counselor or therapist right now?

Lots of questions from me so I'll slow down for a bit. Truly, we're so glad you took the leap from reading to posting. It makes a huge difference, and I hope sharing your story will be the first step in finding relief, strength, and safety for you.

-kells76

[Fulbright87]

Thanks for the response Kells! It’s wonderful to be so warmly received.

I’ll try to answer your questions to the best of my ability in the order you posed them. Yes, the second week of August is when she is completing a 2 month long course of TMS and Ketamine therapies that I have been taking her to. I feel if at the end of that things show no signs of improvement it may be time to move on for my safety.

I do acknowledge that the behavior as it has been for the entirety of our relationship has been abusive. If there is anything that upsets her (which is easy to do due to issues with self esteem and my own awkwardness) it very quickly becomes a spiral where it is not just okay, but justified to call me the world’s dumbest man, thoughtless, stupid, an A-hole and even the C-word. Further, I am the sole source of any problem in the relationship and personally responsible for her life stagnating. She has a long history of learned helplessness through victimization that her mother and some therapists have recognized. I am the scapegoat for her rage and shame (a life ruiner as she always calls me, making sure I know I am worse than her deeply sexually abusive first boyfriend). There may be some truth to the fact that perhaps my responses are a bit thoughtless but the sheer, manic vitriol and the attacks on my character have left my self esteem and sense of identity in shambles. And once this begins it is my job to “fix it” by some unknown means when she is not willing to have a constructive conversation about problems and instead opts to go on for hours about how I am the enemy. This especially inspires a deep despair as I am the one who has to keep her medicine on schedule due to ADHD, serve as her advocate in medical settings, bring up meals, serve as her sole comfort (which includes essentially play therapy due to my background in theater and voice acting and her own fictosexual/fictoromantic orientation) and so much more before being told I do not care in the slightest. If I attempt to tell her that I will not be engaging in a conversation where insults and yelling are used she will immediately tell me that I am abandoning her and that boundaries are a “cowardly way out.” She says I am a slave to my flight instinct whenever I go for the door after being on the receiving end of a verbal beating or that I can sense she is agitated. She will not listen to the conventional wisdom provided by Gottman when I tell her that any grievances in a relationship are best tended to when both parties have had enough time to calm down and arrive as equal, empathetic members of a conversation. It is waved off as terrible advice from a stupid person and a coward. That’s how any advice I give is taken (“Why would I take advice from someone who is wrong all the time?”). There has been a deliberate statement that she has absolutely zero respect for me many times.The list could go on forever but I’ll leave it at that for the sake of time and the emotional safety of those reading this (I do not want to risk triggering anyone any further than I have)! Suffice it to say the unrelenting rage of her hurt makes it difficult to hear out her pain and address it properly when I feel like I’m in the emotional fight of my life.

That’s not to say that I’m without my faults. I procrastinate and waffle on things, I am a people pleaser who can change my answers when I nervously feel that I’ve displeased someone or that I’ve hurt their feelings. I have issues displaying my authentic self, and do feel indignant and defensive when constantly criticized (and will get nasty at times because of it) ,etc. I do not excuse these faults but I know that being in this environment does not leave me with the resources or the mental capacity to address and heal my own previous traumas. It’s like my nervous system is constantly switched to survival mode trying to guess what will happen next, what I will do next to set off the next episode (which is a nigh daily occurrence that in turn leaves me wondering if everything truly is my fault). It all feels like an existential threat, leaving me to walk on eggshells while I am myself a shell of what I want to be.

The physical abuse always comes as a result of me needing to remove myself from the verbal abuse. There has been pinning, hitting, kicking, spitting, throwing things and the worst was the slashing of my neck. All of these are considered accidents that I caused due to my deciding to trigger her by needing to escape the never ending cycle of attack (I have disassociated several times and blacked out due to sheer anxiety and mental anguish caused by the horrid words and dehumanizing phrases thrown at me). The most frequent approach is physically barring me from a door or my keys to entrap me so that anything physical on my part can be used as evidence of assault in the face of the law and as further evidence that I am a barbaric abuser myself. It’s terrifying that my only options seem to be submitting to the rage or worsening the situation by making a futile attempt to escape.

Then of course there’s the threats. Those inspire a dread in me that I will be personally responsible for that harm that befalls her. It’s what has kept me here beyond the love I am having a hard time holding onto.

So yes, all of it terrifies me. It’s all bad. The issues are only compounded by demands for intimacy and sex when I have to mute any passions and feel like if I do the wrong thing it will enrage her and give further credence to how I am emotionally and physically neglectful. She does not work and demands that I stay up to satisfy her frequently lest she not be able to go to sleep or feel anguish. I can’t put my whole heart into love when I feel threatened by it.

I just was laid off the other week due to over staffing and a belief that I could not be fully available due to my home life (they were acutely aware of what was happening to me). So I am not insured and worry about the funds for counseling for myself. I want to desperately and have a membership with the Open Path Collective but just worry about money going forward until I’m employed again. This lack of a workplace exacerbated things because I have no escape now and am a greater, full time target it feels like.

Phew! Lots to put out there. Apologies if I gave too much but I wanted to be thorough. Really I would prefer to learn some better habits for healing the relationship and myself than make an immediate decision to run. Thanks so much for listening and giving those kind words again! I wish you a lovely Saturday and a restful Sunday!