Shame, Clutter and Isolation

[bethanny]

I live in a small apartment which is cluttered and causes me shame. I have been watching Marie Kondo on Netflix and I would love to clear out and tidy up my home. It fuels my isolationism.

I am trying to lose weight and I feel that is somehow connected.

I live in a mañana state. Once I clean up my space and lose weight I will be freed up to reach for joy but not until then.

[Turkish]

bethanny,

I moved into a tiny studio that was sparse at first, because I was a nomad and had moved back from another state, but it ended up so cluttered that I was angry at myself for being a mini- mom, my mother was a hoarder. I'm not a hoarder, but it horrified me to step back and look when I cleaned out my apt to move in with my uBPD (now Ex).

I'd let junk mail pile up on the counter. No reason other than it didn't register with me. I had an extra plush chair, unecessary as I lived alone, but it piled up with mail and books. I was and am still am avid reader. I had several boxes of books in my small closets. Why? Switching to e-readers in 2011 helped...

Maybe TMI, but at one point, I had two stacks of books, "bathroom reading" piled up over 2ft on my tiny bathroom counter. Why?

I now have a tiny 1k sf home, and though it isn't cluttered, there are still some areas with small piles. I'm making a run to the salvation army this weekend with two garbage bags of kids' clothes. My closet is full of stuff that fit my 45 lbs lighter self. Get rid of it.

In my professional world, we strive towards the 5s method to streamline and make work and operations more efficient. It can be applied in the home as well. Take a look:

https://5s-housekeeping-home.blogspot.com/2008/12/5s-housekeeping-at-home.html

1S (Sort) is the big one.  Tell me what you think.

5 S- Five Steps to Prosperity and Success for Your Home
1S SEIRI (Sort out and dispose)
Eliminate unnecessary things. Keep only what is needed. Undertake major cleaning. Save money on buying unnecessary additional storage equipment and space.

2S SEITON (Place for everything and everything in place)
Establish a neat layout to fix storage places and the methods, and stick to the rules. Eliminate search time and therefore, stresses and strains. Save money by not purchasing the items now easily available at home.

3S SEISO (Scrub, dusting and cleaning)
Understanding that cleanliness is a form of inspection. Establish state of cleanliness commensurate to your needs. Involve every individual. Achieve zero grime and zero dirt. Give a definite time each day for cleaning.

4S SEIKETSU (standardize the methods of 5 S and environmental upkeep)
Establish standards for maintaining. Add color and use innovative visible management so that abnormalities show up for early action. Also make sure that you contribute to environmental upkeep.

5S SUKE (Self discipline and training) SUSTAIN
Feeling accountable and setting examples to maintain the established procedures of orderliness and neatness. Full participation in developing and practicing good habits.

[TelHill]

Hello bethanny,

I have an issue with clutter too.  My bpd mom was a fastidious housekeeper.  She shamed me when I tried to help her.

I have found it helpful to set a five minute alarm twice daily to
to tidy up. My rules are it's ok if it's not perfect and it's not ok to belittle myself if the whole job isn't done today.  It's taken a year to decrease the overwhelming anxiety it caused when cleaning for a few minutes.

I realized lately some of it serves a purpose, especially near my front door and around my bed. It's to protect me. I live alone but the memories of my mom barging into my bedroom or waking me up in the middle of the night to abruptly fix blankets or check if I'm still alive (no SA) still effect me. Leaving clutter there has made it much easier to clean elsewhere and actually enjoy it.

[Notwendy]

Hello bethanny,

I have an issue with clutter too.  My bpd mom was a fastidious housekeeper.  She shamed me when I tried to help her.

Clutter is an issue for me too. BPD mother didn't do housework but her home is so orderly it's too much in the opposite direction. If we even left a toy out, she might throw it out. She has household help to do the housework. When I tried to help- she'd ridicule me.

To add to the issue, my H is worse about clutter than I am. I think we grew up in opposite situations. H's family had a more modest income. My father did reasonably well although BPD mother's spending was an issue so there was financial stress. H's mother is frugal- to excess probably. Ironic that we both have issues with clutter although I am more likely to donate things we don't need than he is.

[zachira]

I have issues with clutter as well. My mother with BPD often told my siblings and me that we were slobs. My siblings and I were never taught anything about keeping up a home as mom always hired people from outside even children around the ages of my siblings and me as nothing we ever did was good enough. Mom had endless praise for youths close in ages to my siblings and me she hired to do the housework, yard work, and babysitting. As I continue to make considerable progress in connecting with myself and others, I find that I am less interested in accumulating things and more interested in connecting with people who are able to have healthy relationships, and I am able to have more quiet peaceful time to myself. Still have lots of clutter and getting better in not accumulating or keeping so much of it. Be patient with yourself and as you feel better, you will likely find you have less clutter to get rid of. Thank you for starting the discussion of the topic of clutter. Up until I started reading this thread, I did not connect my messy cluttered house to reliving my traumas.

[livednlearned]

I would love to clear out and tidy up my home. It fuels my isolationism.

How does your isolation manifest itself?

Do you leave your home for reasons other than, say, chores or errands?

[orange75]

You’re definitely not alone. I’m a clutterbug too!

I recommend Dana K White’s podcast A Slob Comes Clean. she has a blog, books, and videos too! Her approach is very realistic and kind to yourself. I have found listening to her fun and positive and it has been much easier to follow than Marie Kondo’s approach. It might suit a few folks here on this forum.