I am so frustrated

[Trying123]

I came home from work today and asked my ubpdh if he could make the mashed potatoes. He had been home for awhile and I had gotten the chicken in the slow cooker this morning so it seemed like a fair trade off to me. He said sure with a bit of a sarcastic tone but he went in to the kitchen and started them.

As I was heading out of the kitchen he said that my daughter would need to do the dishes after dinner. I didn’t say anything in response, just assumed he was giving me information and no comment was needed in return. Apparently however, he wanted a response and felt I ignored him. I apologized for not responding but the night was ruined.

He didn’t eat dinner with the family, he stayed home while I took my daughters to do our evening plans. Afterwards my daughters and I wanted to play a game on the ps5. We can’t find the power cord, I’m almost positive he hid it so we can’t play.

I’m so tired of the immaturity. I just needed to vent.

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[kells76]

It is such a frustrating and exhausting part of the disorder -- that situations that "should be" so normal, just like you described, seemingly can't ever be normal. That we can't just send and receive straightforward emails, that we can't just have a five second conversation about making dinner that is just about making dinner and not about meeting deep emotional needs.

I feel for you, that his disorder permeates though into so many corners of your life.

What did you and the kids end up doing last night? And where is everyone at today so far -- does it feel like you can close the door on last night and move forward, or did it bring up more for you that you want to talk through here?

 

kells76

[Trying123]

I feel for you, that his disorder permeates though into so many corners of your life.

What did you and the kids end up doing last night? And where is everyone at today so far -- does it feel like you can close the door on last night and move forward, or did it bring up more for you that you want to talk through here?

It really does permeate throughout my entire life. Last night was the tip of the iceberg regarding his feelings. He doesn’t feel like he is a part of this family. He feels like it’s me and my kids against him. I don’t see it. They are biologically mine, not his, but when they are with me I WANT him to be viewed as the father figure. Of course, I can’t change his perception. And therein lies the merry-go-ride from hell that is my life. Round and round I go.

The kids returned to their dad’s house today and ubpdh has been relatively aloof. I’ve let him be for the most part. There was a brief discussion of his feelings again. I tried not to invalidate but he just doesn’t see reality. He separated HIMSELF from us last night, not the other way around.

I feel like I’m in a losing battle. I’ve done a very good job of detaching myself and letting him feel what he feels, but it’s so frustrating that his perceptions are so off from reality. I love him but I feel he’s going to leave this marriage based on a lie. If that’s the case I can’t stop him, but it leaves me feeling like all I can do is sit back and watch this relationship burn to the ground.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband has the *I’m not part of this family* thing going on too, but it’s regarding his sisters. Prior to realizing that BPD was in play, I tried to rationalize it—they live on the opposite coast, they’re really involved with their children, you don’t have common interests, etc.

What resulted from my attempts to soothe him was: “YOU’RE ON THEIR SIDE!”

I think this feeling of not belonging is due to not having a defined self. BPD is a disorder of self-loathing and shame and people who have it are always looking for approval. It’s impossible to fill that hole as hard as we may try. And when they don’t feel validated or special, then they fall into perpetual victimhood, feeling like nobody cares about them and they’re worthless.

[Trying123]

I’m extremely close to being done with this marriage. In all honesty, I should be done. I can literally feel the codependency and trauma bond.

It started last night. We got in an argument. It was the night before our vacation. He went upstairs to nap and I was hoping he could sleep it off… didn’t happen. I made a pick up food order and told him if he didn’t tell me what he wanted in 10 minutes that I was placing the order. He didn’t tell me so I placed the order. There was a bit more heated discussion but I went to bed.

This morning I told him we were leaving between 7/7:30. At 7:05 the kids and I had the car packed up and heading out the door. Of course then he wanted to go. I told him I would pick up the food order and be back for him but if he wasn’t ready we were going ourselves.

He was ready when we got back and headed out. About 20 minutes down the road he made a comment under his breath about “what am I doing”. He said it twice. I asked him what he meant. He came up with an excuse that I misheard him. Because I didn’t believe that response he told me to take him home. I turned around. A few minutes later he was begging me to not take him home. I pulled into a gas station and said I wasn’t going to turn around again, he either came with us on this trip happily or I take him home.

At this point my 10 year old was crying. He promised he would be fine. My daughter continued to cry as we drove. I think that bothered him so he said to drop him off at the next gas station.

I pulled in and stopped the car so he could get his stuff out. He proceeded to yell at us through the open car door. Then he grabbed my phone. He threw it back in the car and kept yelling, so I drove off and took my kids on our vacation.

I had to get that all out somewhere. It’s a disaster. He’s involved my parents now, said I won’t have a home to come back to on Thursday. I don’t know if I even care. I’m so emotionally exhausted. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Matty]

This story is just so incredibly familiar. The last night I saw my wife, she had been going through an episode that she was attempting to contain all day and at this time I had no idea how to manage BPD. We had a call with her brother where we agreed (despite my reservations) that she would go to a hotel in town and determine if she was going to get treatment or not (we thought it might be bipolar at the time). After the call she was furious and booked a plane ticket and said she would stay at a hotel in this other city rather than where we were. She asked me to take her to the airport and I agreed. I loaded her luggage in the car and when she came outside she started to scream that I had ruined her life. I convinced her to get in the car before anyone called the police. I started to tell her that she perhaps it would be best if she stayed at a hotel in town tonight as she was almost declared unfit to travel on a flight three days ago. I was then struck in the face by her fist as I was turning on the ignition. I only felt surprise as I have been hit in the ring many times and managed to slip the next shot. I got the car in motion and about a block from where we were she asked me to let her out on the street with all her luggage. I assumed she would get a cab, which is what she did and as I had had more than enough that day of doing everything possible to try and calm her down, I let her out (also because what’s the alternative?). It’s been six months since that incident and when ever she writes to me, she always makes reference to the incident stating: what kind of husband drops their wife off in the middle of no where like that?
Later that night she called the police and claimed DA, they didn’t even bother interviewing me as she had called them several times that month.
You just can’t win, ever. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I only recently started to impose boundaries and as others will say, it gets worst before it gets better. Physical abuse was very rare and doesn’t bother me until it started getting worst but the verbal/emotional abuse was just awful and thats when I started to enforce boundaries.
I have the deepest sympathies for what she and others with BPD struggle with and how lonely and empty they feel (shame, self-loathing) and I have tried to build her up but when they start to threaten your livelihood etc, you have to draw the line somewhere and that seems like a pretty good place.