Complex situation. Both people have mental health issues.

[mbap331]

Hello,


I'd really appreciate an ear or two right now. I don't know what to do any more.


Me and my partner have been together for 11 years. For the last 6 or so years we've suspected she has BPD but has not been formally diagnosed. Our relationship is complex. We both have mental and physical illnesses which complicate matters. In my case, I have quite severe ROCD (Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). She also has OCD (sometimes severe), but unrelated to relationships. She also believes she has PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) which when combined with BPD can be very difficult.

Unfortunately, our two mental illnesses are not good for each other. As an example: For her, she has a strong fear of not being loved, being abandoned/being alone. My ROCD and inability to fully commit to her makes this much worse for her. Her need for reassurance that I love her or becoming upset that I don't love her consequently triggers my ROCD. Physical illness and that we don't live near each other, also make things much harder all round. One other aspect that makes thing very difficult for her is my attachment to my parental home and parents (which has gone worse since one of them recently passed away). I think this has been fueled a lot by the problems and stress in our relationship and that 'home' became a safe space. But, that's become a whole mental health issue in itself now.


For the first 5 or so years of our relationship, she was very emotionally reactive, with sometimes severe rage and upset over certain situations. She would shout and sometimes scream (It didn't help that her mother brought her up to express herself). In her own words, she's said that she was sometimes emotionally abusive/manipulative (unintentional) in the past and that she knows she's 'a lot' to deal with sometimes. She just couldn't cope (and still can't) with the volcano of emotions inside of her. If I disagreed with my partner over what she was upset over, it would just make things 10x worse. From my perspective, I was always in the wrong and in the end I would just apologise or agree or whatever it took to make the argument stop. It wasn't always shouty but it was emotionally intense. I began to fear her response to things. There was always 'something' and I just felt like I was treading on egg shells. I would brining things up which bred resentment in me.


She's always been able to express herself in the heat of the moment in a way that articulates what she's feeling. I have never had this skill, I clam up and can't think straight and often make things worse under a stressful situation by blurting out something that makes it all worse. It also doesn't help that I'm not good at confrontations in general, never have been.


As a consequence of all this, we have had a dynamic where she (at least in my eyes) would be able to express anything she wanted and I just had to take it. I couldn't say 'this is too much'. I tried at times to bring stuff up but it would end up in an argument for reason or another. If I tried to bring up something she did that upset me? Well, she would say I did that all the time or bring up something that happened years ago. In the end I just didn't feel heard and resentment built and built. If I didn't agree with what she was expressing she would always say "I'm allowed to feel" (insert emotion) due to something/someone/me.


All this of course played into my ROCD and made me even more distance, which in turn made her worse. It's a been a vicious cycle.


Like I said, our relationship dynamic is complex due to many factors. At the end of the day, she still has BPD and I have ROCD. To top if off we both have long term Chronic illnesses as well. But we look after each other and care and love each other. From her side of things she loves me deeply and has never wanted to break up. I've always struggled with my feelings for due to my ROCD. I've had moments where I've felt love but with ROCD it's the nature of the beast to struggle with love. I should add, this problem I have with relationships isn't unique to her. Before her, I had tried several times to have a relationship. All failed quickly because of my mental health.


Since discovering about BPD, she has worked very hard to keep a handle on it as best she can. In recent years, we've been able to communicate more about problems without always descending into hyper stressful shouting arguments. I've stood my ground a little more. We still have a problems and things come to a head. Still feels like I have to let too many things go for sake of risking a blow-up. Though nowadays, I think my fear of that has over taken the reality of it happening to a certain extent. But even though it doesn't happen as much, the severity and stress from it when it does happen is unbearble. So that's why I avoid it.


I seem to have developed an automatic stress response that goes off when I can see (or anticipate) her having a problem with something/someone. It's almost like a mild ptsd from the years of stress. I still have a lot of resentment. I think this comes from the many problems which were never addressed for me. I want to find a way to let go of those past problems as she tries so much to keep a handle on things. I think the current feelings of resentment stems from she still gets to express more than I do. She would say this isn't true. She used to get upset that I was snappy or irritable a lot and it would be an intense reaction. So I decided to always 'check' myself when I felt that way, and therefore never show it. But she was still being snappy and so this brought up resentment in me. If I brought it up, it was 'but you're snappy all the time'. I'm not, at least not to me. Probably, my irritability comes out in more nuanced ways due to me trying to supress it. So to her, I probably do seem snappy.


I don't know. It's really hard trying to figure what really is her being at fault and what's me being at fault. Because, in recent years I've realised how some of my actions and behaviour is bringing out the worst in her and we end up spiralling without always knowing where it really started. I often don't realise how much stress she's under just trying to keep a lid on her bpd and ocd and she doesn't realise how much i'm trying to keep a lid on my stuff as we're so focused on trying to manage life.


Where am I going with this? I'm not sure. There are so many reasons why we shouldn't be together but we're also really good for each other in so many ways. She's so supportive, but than itself can be problem because she has a limited amount she can cope with before she can't handle it and it generally ends up being about her and her feelings - that's a long running theme as well. She's such a caring person but it can backfire.


If you've read all this, thank you. I'm sorry it's probably not very coherent. I've never been good at articulating myself. There's obviously a lot more but this is already very long.


I guess what I'm really wanting is some understand from people who have been on this side of things.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.