my daughter-in-law has BPD and I am her preferred target

[ToesInTheSand]

Hello everyone.  This is brand new territory for me.  I have read several books on BPD, so I "know" what is happening, but knowledge doesn't seem to equal power.  I'm a blubbering mess full of hurt and confusion.  My son has been married to a BPD for 5 years, and I seem to be the target for all of her aggression.  I was ok with that for a while, since I saw it as protecting my son and two little grandbabies.  Let her lash out at me and not them.   But I am tired of being attacked (with words, not physically) over things that are only real in her head.  I'm tired of having my words bent and twisted with meanings that just aren't there.   I'm tired of her using love and forgiveness and grandchildren to manipulate me.   I tried to hide it all from my other kids so that they would maintain a relationship with their brother, but of course my daughter found out and told my other son.  Now they want nothing to do with her and I just want my family to go back to being a loving, cohesive unit with family gatherings and love and laughter.  I know I will end up being cut off from my son and grandkids, as she requires that all communication go through her and I am not allowed to text or call my son unless she is in the room.  I have done everything I know how to do to prove to her that she is wrong about me.  Everything will be fine for a while, and then, boom, she gets triggered and lashes out.  Then I have to apologize using only the words that she tells me I have to use, or it "doesn't count."  Even the loving things I say to reassure her "don't count" because they aren't the words from her approved list.  I do not want to apologize for imaginary things anymore.  I want her to apologize to me, which will never happen.  I'm tired of jumping through her hoops and meeting her demands just to keep the peace, which never lasts.  I'm tired of being blamed for things I didn't do (I am currently in trouble for a Facebook post that I didn't make and I picture I didn't take at an event I didn't attend).  I'm tired of being gas-lighted and it breaks my heart to think that my son believes what she says about me.  My friends and family and other in-law kids reassure me that everything she says is wrong, but it hurts just the same.  Why won't my son stand up for me and correct her wrong thinking?  He is the only one she listens to, so why doesn't he speak truth to her muddled mind?  I keep every mean text and every e-mail (pages and pages, they are never short).  I figure one day I can show them to the grandkids so they can know that I always wanted a relationship with them but she wouldn't allow it.  I'm going to see a therapist for myself, but it doesn't lessen the pain.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi ToesInTheSand and thank you for posting. It's so difficult at my place at the moment and when I read posts like yours I feel less alone. It's the middle of the night here and can't sleep with worry about my situation.

BPD is a wrecking ball for sure. You are the target because you are the biggest threat to her relationship with your son, I think. DIL senses the bond between  and has to demonise you.

Having to repeat her words as an apology is right out there! Goodness me. It is something other than the verbal abuse I get, and seems to be extreme need for control. I imagine your son is well and truly held in this web of control - consciously or unconsciously. He could well be 'walking on eggshells' to keep his family unit together.

You clearly are at the end of your tether with this situation - and have every right to be so. How do you see things moving forward from here? How do you see stepping back from engaging with DIL in practical terms?

No matter how we try to engage/relate to a family member with BPD, our lives are never really 'normal'. We are either dealing with the tyranny of this awful illness, or dealing with the consequences of having to stop engaging with them just for the sake of our own wellbeing.

Try to push the pause button and think through each of your options for moving forward: if I do this, what would happen? If I do that what would happen? Try to find the option that is best for you.

[LLgreen]

Thank you for sharing.  It helped me to not feel so alone.  My DIL also seems to have BPD, from what she has shared about that with my son as well as from a long-time family friend who has told my son what she has.  This lady has known my DIL since she was 18 and has reassured my son, when my DIL is in one of what this friend calls a BPD “episode”, that he is the healthy one and not the crazy one.  Although we live in different states now, I have started to be a target in the past few months.  I have started more quickly to excuse myself from the multiple party texts she has been involving me in as well where she uses the text group she sets up to disparage my son, involving not only my son and myself but also some of the grandchildren.  My son is starting to have a boundary with her, and is still hoping that marriage counseling will help them.  On this site, I read someone say “Self care is one thing you can control.”  I liked reading that so today I went to the grocery store with that thought in mind.  I won’t go into how difficult this has been recently, just want to say how much I appreciated seeing that I am not the only MIL going through this crazy thing.  Thank you again for your post!