Should I stay or should I go?

[Loach]

Hello All,

I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years now (second marriage-we are 60 and 61), and I'm finally realizing that we have a major problem.  We had been dear friends for 20 years prior to marrying and everything was very normal then.  The more I read and learn about BPD, the more that that makes sense.  It seems that 'the ring' changed everything!  He has not been professionally diagnosed, but I scored 33 on the Walking on Eggshells quiz, so am pretty sure of it (and kind of relieved to know that he's not just jealous, cruel so-and-so)

I was going to say 'There are good times' as my first sentence, but really?  There are times when he is not being cruel, accusatory, Mr. Hyde etc..., but I still walk on eggshells all the time because the next episode is inevitable and usually right out of the blue (leaving me to back-peddle as to what I could have possible done or said)

Recently, he was on such a rant that I left the house and told him to either call a therapist or a lawyer (and I wasn't kidding). He opted for the therapist and we have had 4 sessions (mostly out of control, but getting better-I think?)

Im reading, and doing the Stop Walking On Eggshells workbook in hopes that I can make things better, at least for me.  My fear is that a lightbulb went on when I turned 60 and I wondered if this is how I want to spend the rest of my years.  It sounds awful, but I didn't want a project-I wanted a partner!  Even if I learn the skills to cope, do I just want to cope and not LIVE?  If any of you are further along this road than I am, and can offer some sage advice, I would love to hear from you.  Thank you in advance.

Loach

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Augustine]

I have often wondered if maintaining two residences would help reduce, or eliminate, the symptoms, as it would appear the majority of the illness is proximity dependent. 

[Loach]

I already have so much $ invested, Im afraid to buy anything else that I'll have to divide if this doesn't work (he has already worked out the settlement he wants from me and threatens it often) .  I also think that the suggestion would send him into a spin that wouldn't end well.  How could I not have seen this coming?  Ugh!

[once removed]

I didn't want a project-I wanted a partner!  Even if I learn the skills to cope, do I just want to cope and not LIVE? 

it will certainly help to think of this as a "special needs" relationship. and to go into it clear eyed and full of information and support; not just bpd in general, but to realistically assess your partners limitations (in terms of what can and cant improve, which is going to vary uniquely from person to person).

the good news is that by learning and investing in the skills to cope, you will do yourself a world of good, whether or not you decide to stay or go. i learned them years after my relationship ended, and theyve improved my relationships of all kinds.

getting on a healthier path, in general, is also the first step, whether you decide to stay or go. you may see improvements, or you may find yourself in a healthier, mentally stronger place to operate, decide, act.

we can help you do that.