Engagement called off after one week

[Ireland22]

I am at a total loss how the man that I love (and thought loved me) could get down on his knee and propose to me in an idyllic setting and a week later break it off.

I have been with this man for 3.5 years.  He is 57 years old.  Never married with a history of broken relationships and chaotic past.  The first 18 months were beyond rocky.  Irrational anger and raging breakups.  He told me his past.  Abused and living on his own since age 14.  I knew this man was damaged.  But I stayed the course and remained by his side.  I saw something beautiful within and while the next two years were challenging, with each problem faced, we acknowledged our love for one another and became increasingly close.  I researched mental disorders and have no doubt the man I love suffers from BPD.  The constant pushing away and seeking validation is exhausting.  The verbal abuse, particularly before I learned to set boundaries and what I would no longer tolerate.  I read a number of books on BPD and talked to more than one expert on the subject seeking validation and guidance.  He buys me expensive gifts and we travel.  But there is always an emotional cost.

I am a successful professional (after surviving a 20+ year marriage with a clinical narcissist).  My ex-finance only graduated 6th grade but he has one of the quickest and brightest minds of anyone I have ever met.  He has narcissistic tendencies but not overwhelming.  He tells me I make him feel bad about himself although I would sincerely say I do nothing consciously of the sort.  He has no real friends outside of our relationship and seems to be increasingly anxious as we begin to socialize with others outside of his normal arena.

We live together which after breaking the engagement is awkward.  He told me he no longer wants to be in the relationship and is almost 100% shut down emotionally.   Incapable of understanding or wanting to acknowledge any pain he may be causing me. He told me last night he would move to a hotel today and this morning told me he would begin looking for a place on his next day off (three days from now).  I have yet to tell anyone about our change in status.  He doesn’t believe I should and that everything will “die down” after he leaves.  He said he doesn’t believe anyone (especially my adult children) were happy for us and will not accept that he is wrong on that subject (they are happy for me because they think I am happy). 

After my marriage and years of therapy, I can see this is a toxic relationship.  I did seek advice from more than one therapist the past few years and was told that a person with BPD is incapable of real love and would ultimately hurt me.  I obviously did not follow their advice.

He is officially undiagnosed but knows I have researched BPD.  It is that research and my learning that has got us this far. 

I rationally know I should walk away.  This is about him, not me.  We had one official (lasting) breakup about two years ago.  I let him go and honored his request to cut off contact after he moved away.  Three months later he was on my doorstep shocked that I didn’t chase him and ask for him to come back.

He is a beautiful soul but a damaged man.  Only he can help himself.  My love for him is unconditional.  But I am profoundly sad.  I will survive the breakup.  But I have difficulty wrapping my head around his ability to shut down emotionally as far as I’m concerned.  I picture his future as a near ending series of short relationships, always with the same ending.  Changing jobs, changing women, changing location.  Seeking happiness.  I once told him that it’s interesting that wherever he goes and whomever he is with, that happiness is elusive.  That the only constant is him. He told me that he has never forgotten that.

My heart aches. For him possibly more than for myself.  Just a few days ago he texted, “I love my fiancé.  I love you.  I love being engaged.”  And now he is moving out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[EyesUp]

As I read your story, I could not help but recall my own experience with breakups with my uBPD exW - before we were married.  She came back after a year of NC and asked the same question: Why hadn't I reached out? That led to a reunion, a marriage, and eventually a divorce.

It's uncanny how some people can bring such chaos, and yet follow similar patterns.

One thing I wasn't clear on:  When you wrote, "This is about him, not me" - I wasn't sure what you meant. 

I understand the need to understand, as well as the concern for someone you just, just, just got engaged to - Of course, you have feelings for him and his wellbeing, and many fair questions - no doubt.

But - Why isn't it about you?

I'm not saying this is your fault - it's not. His behaviors are not your behaviors. 

My point is - Instead of focusing on him and his feelings (or lack thereof) - How do you feel about all of this?  You mention your sadness, but express great concern for what comes next for him. 

As you navigate forward, please don't forget to take care of yourself, and what comes next for you, too.