Backwards

[Depression = 72% of members]

One thing I have realized lately, as I have tried to step back and watch the cycle instead of being a part of the cycle, is that my uBPDh’s thinking is very backwards from mine. Whenever I feel like I am being nice to him, including him in all of our family events, organizing the house with him in mind, reaching out to him, etc, he tends to continue wherever he is in the cycle, not noticing that I am putting in extra effort. But when I start to pull away, not reach out, not respond back to him immediately, not give in to his ridiculous requests, organize the house as if he was not around, etc, all of a sudden he wants to “see the kids”…which turns into “seeing me” (I won’t allow him to have the kids alone), which turns into more and more effort…until he can’t do it anymore and he switches to black. This has been a hard realization for me, as when I love someone, I want to include them in everything…but doing so, does not get me the outcome I want!  So backwards to me!

[dtkm]

One thing I have realized lately, as I have tried to step back and watch the cycle instead of being a part of the cycle, is that my uBPDh’s thinking is very backwards from mine. Whenever I feel like I am being nice to him, including him in all of our family events, organizing the house with him in mind, reaching out to him, etc, he tends to continue wherever he is in the cycle, not noticing that I am putting in extra effort. But when I start to pull away, not reach out, not respond back to him immediately, not give in to his ridiculous requests, organize the house as if he was not around, etc, all of a sudden he wants to “see the kids”…which turns into “seeing me” (I won’t allow him to have the kids alone), which turns into more and more effort…until he can’t do it anymore and he switches to black. This has been a hard realization for me, as when I love someone, I want to include them in everything…but doing so, does not get me the outcome I want!  So backwards to me!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Smedley Butler]

it's push / pull constantly.  one of the most recommended books on BPD relationships is appropriately named "i hate you dont leave me", which is exactly how it goes.  for my wife it's like she likes me when she cant see me, but when she lays eyes on me, it's all downhill.  she'll text and call while i'm at work like i'm jsut the greatest thing and like everything is normal, then i get home and it's like she can barely stand being in the same house as me. 

[waverider]

Probably seeing it as you withdrawing a supply. Its not the 99 times of supply that is noticed. Its the 1 time of non supply that is. This is seen as deliberate neglect and a form of passive aggressive bullying, from his perspective, so triggers the victim mentality.