It’s been a while

[Boogie74]

Things have been better since I had last posted.   J still has her moments.   My biggest challenge is not having a partner that is remotely interested in listening to my problems and has no interest in cooperating or attacking problems together.   

Her outlook is a simple “I’m right and you’re wrong and I know everything and you know nothing”.  There is never mid ground agreement or making plans to resolve any issues.   

We have a destination wedding in late November and she has now stalled on renewing her passport.   It’s a PASSPORT photo and she now has a path of putting off the renewal- “I have a few grey hairs- need to dye it”.  “My eyes have dark bags under them.

She puts EVERYTHING off and runs her own clock out of everything. 

I can’t save her from this- and it’s gonna cost us thousands

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Good to hear things are better overall. As for when things don't, I've learned to have low expectations with my uBPDw and be a bit more independent by spending time with friends and family and by taking a solo trip every now and then.

Good luck on the weeding. Hopefully they offer free cancellation if needed.

[thankful person]

Glad to hear things have been going better for you. I would like to know this too. I have learnt over the years that when I leave my wife to her own devices to stew and panic and whine and tantrum or whatever… then eventually she will do the sensible thing and get things sorted just in time of her own accord. This is the opposite of how it was back in the early JADEing days when I would tried to reason with her on how ridiculous she was being, and then the thing most definitely ended up not happening and often quite dramatically and yes we lost lots of money over it. It is so frustrating, because now I just validate and acknowledge what she’s saying and act like I’m not bothered. But yet she knows how important certain things are to me especially when we’ve spent lots of money. So things do end up happening, yet always on my wife’s terms so it certainly feels like she remains in control of everything.

[Boogie74]

Over the years in our relationship, I have noticed a few patterns in her behaviors as well as those in her family’s behaviors.   She often travels with her mother and they never seem to have a plan of action.   They pack into a car, erratically rush their way to a “destination” with zero thought as to where to stay or what to do when they get there.   Hotel reservation?   None.   When they are 20 minutes away from a city, her mother instructs her to go on her phone and “research” for a “good hotel” with 3 or 4 stars, a pool, free breakfast, free parking, in a zero crime area and less than $100 for the night- and it’s 6p.   Once that’s found, read all 24,000 reviews and if it has any bad reviews, find a different one.   

I’ve noticed also that her mother has zero interest in being empathetic.   I’ve seen her in the middle of a serious situation- someone is having a conversation about planning a funeral or someone has cancer and she interrupts to say, “look at this funny cat video I found”.  Her mother has literally stood up mid conversation and walked out of the room without so much as a “hold on a moment- I need to do something”.  Just WALKED out of the room permanently as though she was just bored with the middle of a sentence someone was saying.

Her family is often more interested in making sure that a family medical emergency is kept secret than getting treatment or showing any concern for whoever is sick.   J’s uncle is sick with cancer and just got a bone marrow transplant.   “How is G doing?”  is met with “I don’t know” and then, “You can’t tell ANYONE that he’s sick”. 

I can only respond with, “who the f*ck am I gonna tell?   I met him once 3 years ago and I know no one that knows who he is- and your whole family is ‘in the know already’”