Hi all,
One month ago, I broke up with my girlfriend because our relationship was completely one-sided. She refused to make any changes until she saw that I'm serious about separating and moving on. Within a week, she came back, ready to talk and ready to make changes.
I'd like to write about how it's going now, not because my girlfriend has permanently changed and everything will be great now, but because:
1. These experiences have changed me
2. How I view my relationship with my BPD gf, and how I view relationships in general has changed
3. I find it valuable to write about the times when things are okay, or stable - and not just about crisis situations
I've gone through 3 stages of how I react to my girlfriend's difficult behaviors:
I. Confusion
During this stage, I didn't know what BPD was, and I was under the impression that my gf suffered from bipolar disorder. The relationship was a constant push and pull, and the quality of it deteriorated rapidly with time. I couldn't make sense of the fact that she was simultaneously very attached to me and also despised me more and more every day.
II. Realization
This is when I learned about BPD. Everything made so much sense, and I devoured all the literature I could find. In this stage, I didn't view my girlfriend as a person, but as a BPD machine. I started labeling all her strange behaviors as manipulation. I'd barely react to criticism and insults lest I start JADEing. I would not engage seriously in conversations, especially not about our relationship, because she is diseased and is unable to have conversations like a normal person.
III. Post-realization
After going to therapy for a couple months, I started adopting a more natural approach to the relationship. I would express my needs and desires more naturally, and in case my minimal needs can't be provided, I'm not afraid to walk out and seek a relationship that can satisfy me. I realized that in stages I and II, she was the center of everything. Even though I learned of her condition in stage II, it was still all about her, and how to learn the insane emotional / communicational 3D chess with this BPD machine I called my girlfriend. In stage III, I am more centered on myself. I'm also seeing her more as a person, and not a psychological patient. I'm not trying to beat her at her games, I'm not trying to impose a set of "normal behaviors". I'm just focused on how I feel, and I express what I don't like as long as I think it would be constructive. Sometimes I'm disappointed by her and I have to choose to make myself feel better through my own means instead of expecting anything from her, simply because I know she wouldn't be capable of being up for the task. This is not a fun thing to do, and I hope that if things turn into constant disappointment with no solution in sight, then I would have the strength to move on once again.
Now I'd like to write about the positive things that are going on currently:
- Like many people with BPD, my girlfriend often suffers from various health inconveniences. She has a sensitive stomach, and she used to get stomach aches and acid reflux a lot, frequently having to sit out of sports activities we did. This has not happened in several months. She also has not suffered from headaches for a long time.
- A few months ago, she seemed to be at a point of no return at work. Unfinished tasks, ghosted coworkers, burnt bridges, and a feeling of embarrassment to even show up at work. She wanted to quit and I didn't think the situation could be saved. At some point, I helped her write some uncomfortable emails to own up to what she failed to do and get back on track in some way. Since then, she's had to show up to awkward 1-on-1s with her bosses for them to see that she's not falling behind, but she hasn't needed my help again and she seems to be stable at work.
- During the months leading up to our breakup, I saw her closing down her world around her. She was almost never meeting friends anymore, instead relying on my company for everything. She'd say that she has no friends, or that her friends disappointed her. Since we got back together, I saw her reach out to some of those friends, and start meeting people again.
- Our problems still exist, but our communication has improved a lot. I find that people with BPD have an extremely limited capacity for
repair. At work, small mistakes and gentle reprimands would make her unable to continue working or communicating with certain coworkers again. Likewise, in our relationship, once things got bad there was simply no way to repair the dialogue. Mentions of any "problem areas" would become instant triggers of intense negative emotions, immediately blocking any constructive conversation.
Recently, we were able to talk much more in depth about problems in our relationship. I'm happy that we can talk about things we are unhappy with without meaning that we don't love each other or don't want to be together, and that she's able to go into more depth without having her fear of abandonment triggered.
- Last but definitely not least, she has started TFP therapy. She's on her 5th session, and still just going through her "biography" with her therapist before the more active parts of therapy begin. No matter what happens in the future, what I hope most is that she follows through with the therapy. If things end badly one day, I would like to console myself at least by thinking that I contributed to her life by seeing the erroneous bipolar diagnosis she received, and helping her find better suited paths of treatment.
Unlike some of the stories I've read here, I definitely struggle more with her public behavior than her private behavior. We enjoy things that we do just the two of us much more, in general. I get very angry about public displays of disrespect or disobedience, and we all know that anger vs anger always ends bad, especially with BPD. However, I'm also very reluctant to let her storm off or go on her own. I've tried to ease up on the latter, because it's the only way things don't blow up.
I'd like to recommend a book that I read a couple years ago, before I even met my girlfriend.
Happiness Is the Way by Wayne Dyer (
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/44541396)
This book helps me to stop fighting against things that cannot be changed and regain peace even when some external circumstances are not the way I'd like them to be.
Thanks for reading, and see you next time on the "conflicted" or "moving on" board
