When I left town to come home...

[todayistheday]

I wrote about issues helping during my Dad's illness in my "Elderly Dad..." post.    My original plan was to leave there first thing Saturday morning.  Many things happened that delayed my leaving until mid-afternoon Saturday.  (1) was to take Dad to a follow-up to get bandages removed.  Then pick up McDonald's for everyone's lunch on the way home.  (2) When I came home with med schedule, hBPD Mom wanted to me to explain it -- it was clearly written out by doc. But we had to eat first, makes sense, it was hot.   Then a neighbor came over to visit.  She wanted me to stay and go over it after and wanted the visit.  So I stayed.

Before the appointment, I put everything in my car.  I was greeted with wrinkled face saying, "I thought you were staying to take Dad to appointment". I replied that I didn't need my things anymore and I was going to be ready to go home after I got back.

After finally getting done with everything I told them Goodbye. Said I was going walk back to sister's house and speak to her then leave.  I'm about halfway home and get a call from sister.  Mom had called to see if I was there.  I had left my suitcase at Mom's.  Mom said she knew it was there, but she thought I was coming back over before leaving.  I had said Good bye. And Mom knows how to call me.  She calls me all the time. There was stuff in the bag that I needed before Tuesday, so I had to go back.  I almost100% remember fitting it into a certain spot in my car.  Given the stress she put me under, I very much could have remembered wrong.  Mom did know that I left.  She said Good bye, see you Tuesday to both of them.  When I got back in the car after retrieving my suitcase, I noticed that my handicap placard was not where I thought I had left it.   I decided not to go back in to look for that. I wanted to get home.  When I got home, I looked around with a flashlight and found it under the back seat.  Weird.  

I needed the suitcase.  I was not worried about the placard because I rarely need it when I'm not with them.  I have it for a knee pain that comes and goes, mostly goes, so I don't want surgery.  I only use it in the rare occasion that I have pain AND have to go somewhere that no other close parking is available.  And I have two, so if it was gone, no big deal.  

When I go back, I do not plan to spend a night. I will have an overnight bag just in case,  hidden from view.  My car will be locked I when I cannot see it.

It could have all been due to my stress. It could have been her. Of all the things she has done, she's never pulled anything like that on me before.  

The other thing that is less of a deal and and typical behavior.   She said that she did not like her hamburger.  Mine tasted like every McDonald's burger I've had the last 50 years or so.  It was what she had asked for.

[Notwendy]

There's a pattern of behavior with my BPD mother that, leaving, or ending a phone call- causes her to panic. After a phone call, it's common that as soon as I hang up, she will call back- sometimes several times.

When I visit, the last day of the visit is often one of dysregulation for her. She will often find something I did "wrong" and be upset about it. This also is difficult because by that time, I have done a lot for her. At my last visit, I made a point of not speaking to her on the day I left and told her I would call her when I got home. I also don't stay with her. It's more costly to stay in a hotel but we have less conflict when I do this, and I feel that I have a quiet space for myself.

There was a similar incident where I went to help with Dad and as soon as I got home, BPD mother called me up in distress telling me that Dad was in dire straits and near the end. Panicking, I jumped in the car and drove back, only to find Dad was stable and the home health care nurse was on her way to check him. Dad didn't need anything- he was being taken care of. This was BPD mother wanting me there. I don't know if your mother moved your suitcase or you forgot it, but I think this could be similar feelings on your mother's behalf.

It's an odd paradox but BPD mother makes helping difficult. Doing something like taking Dad to a doctor appointment, or making a meal results in her being critical. My reaction to this was naive- if you are critical, then find someone else to do it. When I did that, she reacted as if I had abandoned my duties. She wants me to do it and she then is critical of it or somehow makes the task more difficult. I think this must be some kind of control thing. Keep in mind that BPD behavior is a coping mechanism. If your father isn't feeling well- he's doing less for her- she is feeling more emotional distress than usual- her BPD behaviors could increase. This doesn't mean you tolerate abusive behaviors but you may find a pattern to them.

Since then, I have learned to ignore some of the behaviors. If I do something for her, I am not surprised if she's critical. Sometimes though, it still is upsetting but I see this now as a pattern for her. It also fits into the Karpman triangle. If she sees things in victim perspective, she can't accept that someone is helping her.

[Methuen]

Goodbyes can be hard for a healthy person, but for a pwBPD it could trigger their anxiety or feelings of abandonment.

Whether she moved it or you forgot it, perhaps it could be seen as an opportunity?  Now you can be more guarded and take protective measures for yourself.  Maybe this is some messed up psych on my part. Please ignore if the switch in perspective is not helpful.

I hope you can find some time for yourself to focus on your own wellness after that big dose of parents and stress.