Safety_c
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2
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« on: August 24, 2023, 08:27:19 PM » |
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Hello BPD Family,
I am a long-time reader and first-time writer.
This forum was recommended to me by @MaineCoon who wrote about the same pwBPD as I am about to do.
I am mentioning her to give credit where credit is due and to express my gratitude. And who knows maybe someone is familiar with her story already.
It's been four months since my marriage was ended abruptly and unexpectedly. My (soon to be ex-)husband was never shy about his long list of ex-girlfriends and would frequently drop names and share intimate details. This is how I was able to save the Instagram username of the woman who filled the role as his "wife" before me. And i am glad i did, because it allowed me to reach out to her while he split on me. Without her reassurance that HE was the problem and that i was experiencing one of his abusive patterns, i would have lost my mind.
The BPD cycle of 1: Idealization 2:devaluation 3:discard almost broke me and I still have to remind myself that suffering through these stages was not my fault, but rather the consequence of his personality disorder.
I have already gained a lot of clarity, read multiple books on cluster B personality disorders (including the DSM V), and listened to the most popular podcasts on BPD, BP, and NPD.
But still, healing takes time! Cognitively i was able to understand the devastating rational truth of my relationship as soon as i recovered from the first initial shock. Emotional detachment on the other hand is far more difficult to accomplish.
Personal growth has always been a priority for me but unraveling the depth of trauma and abuse in my marriage revealed new extends of my own personal deficiencies. I had never seen myself as a codependent before but now it's as clear as day.
I am ready to share my story. I had the following paragraphs written out some time ago. Thank you for reading this!
Grief comes in waves; today, I'm maneuvering through rough seas. We know that an emotion usually only lasts around 90 seconds - unless we further entertain the related thoughts and memories. "Clean thinking" however, is easier said than thought.
I find myself looking through my photo stream of happier times, especially at night. During those times, I was suspiciously happy, to the point I couldn't believe my luck. I would write journal entries where I would question how I deserved to experience this fairy tale of a relationship. Consequently, I documented every fleeting moment, message, and phone call with my pwBPD. For the first time in my adult life, I felt hope. I would have never imagined finding somebody so full of life force, charm, excitement, empathy, and charisma. Now I know those traits were just the signs of a manic episode and constant love-bombing and future-faking.
I'm noticing more than ever how much our emotional world can differ from our rational understanding. Memories are permeable, and you can't ever really believe what you remember. Still, I have enough documented content of my relationship with my pbBPD to submerge myself in the experience all over again - this time with more insight. I've been told before that I'm just pain-shopping. Only while listening to hours of recorded conversations can I finally identify abusive behaviors such as gaslighting and incredible egomania.
My savior complex was established early in life. My mother died in a fatal car crash when I was six years old, so naturally, I tried my best to fulfill the parent role for my older brother, who has severe autism. My other parent has NPD and only moved back from a different county to collect the hefty life insurance payout, which he could then spend on escort girls and lavish vacations for two.
I met my (STBXH) pwBPD when he was broke, homeless, and stranded in my home country. At the time, he could provide logical reasons for ending up in such a miserable situation. Whenever I questioned his actions that led to his life circumstances, he would accuse me of victim blaming.
I was 25 when we met, and I had only ever been involved in one abusive "situation ship" while I was in my late teens with a man 12 years older, who systematically groomed and sexually abused me.
The bar for a potential partner was as low as my self-esteem and emotional maturity. I abstained from dating throughout my early to mid-twenties and then finally after two years of corona-induced hibernation, I felt ready to meet someone new.
On our first date, I booked a four-star hotel with a private rooftop to accommodate him and his dog. When he asked me to lend him 1000 Euros in cash, I didn't hesitate. I was happy to help and provide for him. He reassured me that his parents were wealthy and he would pay me back. He was quick to call me his wife, and in return, I was quick to take care of him and do my best to meet his needs. I was his favorite person, and the price was to pay for our mutual expenses over the next 12 months while enduring his intense mood swings and emotional abuse.
He would frequently berate me when I didn't live up to his unrealistic and idealized expectations and then blame me for shutting down and being avoidant. I saw the red flags then and there, but our connection felt so genuinely special that I was willing to take a risk. After all, he had proposed to me 72 hours into our first date and was quick to proudly introduce me to everyone as his wife and even lie to his family about getting married in Europe. It was enough commitment to calm my worries and suspicions.
Now that I know he is emotionally stuck at the developmental stage of a four-year-old, it's understandable why he loved playing house so much. His favorite form of entertainment was walking into luxury boutiques with me on his arm while pretending to be an important businessman. I found it endearing how he would charm store employees and anyone willing to listen to his stories. Occasionally I would let him make a purchase at stores like Prada and YSL with my credit card, so he could have a sense of autonomy after his bank account got hacked. Whenever we were alone again, we would project his financial anxiety onto me and scold me for making irresponsible luxury purchases. He's always had some issues with money: his parents both work in finance (CFO and corporate lender) and have high expectations and standards for personal finances. It's still a mystery to me how both their children could repeatedly rank up credit-card debt between 30 and 50k. Maybe the entitlement and assumption that mommy and daddy would bail them out was the breeding ground for their impulsive shopping sprees…
My husband turns 29 this year, has multiple degrees (that his parents paid for, duh), and has the potential to earn good money. Still, he needed his parents to pay his rent and finance an attorney after our disastrous breakup.
At this point, I am still on the fence about signing the annulment papers since I don't want to be held accountable for his irresponsible financial decisions. We had NC since the separation, so all I know from his blog is that he quit his 6-figure job, found new employment, took dates on helicopter rides, impulsively purchased a car he can't afford, and then got fired. We are still legally married (to my knowledge, at least), and I am not willing to once again pay off his debt or support him any longer.
I paid our mutual bills for 12 months while he couldn't find a job and I was in my visa process. Him telling me about an annulment "being the best for us" two days after his very first paycheck hit our shared bank account was truly disrespectful and made me question his motives. Had he only been using me as financial- and emotional supply all this time? Did he only ever see me for what I could do for him and not for who I was?
When we met, he suggested we start Onlyfans and share the revenue 50/50; the reasoning behind this is that I would attract the audience while he would have to "do all the hard work." Then he wanted me to become a gamer-girl on Twitch and made his parents buy him a 5k gaming computer I could then "work with." Needless to say, it was not in my avoidant introverted nature to expose myself in front of a camera….
Between being called his "sugar mama" and "first investor," I never missed pointing out to him that I was financially stable but not wealthy, and I informed him early on that moving to the States with him would require me to quit my small business and passive income.
At this point, it's fair to say that my husband was the worst investment I ever made. I am back in my home country now, sleeping in a family member's office.
My husband made me quit the lease on my apartment and urged me to sell my car, furniture, and other personal belongings. Initially, when I hesitated, he twisted the narrative and accused me of "actively betting against him" by holding onto my lease. I feel so stupid that I believed him and sacrificed my savings, passive income, mental health, and happiness to be with him.
We had the rest of our lives planned together. We had even talked about baby names, where our kids would go to school, what languages we would raise them in…
He always initiated the conversation around family planning and clarified that he "NEEDED" children.
Then in April, he started to work again after being unemployed for an entire year, and his Identity shifted from husband and family man to "businessman, entrepreneur, and mentor." He told me he was done forever with romantic relationships and that he "tried every flavor of the ice cream shop just to find out he didn't like ice cream."
Starting to date other women right after our breakup only caused me more pain.
I still can't stop wondering how he could do this to me. I did everything for him and more. I saved his life literally and figuratively twice within a year. I moved across continents, circled my whole life around him, and spent all my savings while he needed my support.
He unleashed his full narcissistic rage onto me when he ended our relationship. I was still cooperative while he
-booked me a flight back to Europe with his parents' money
-quit the lease of our shared apartment to move into a new apartment in the same building (with a better view)
-threatened to have me evicted from our apartment since he was the only one on the lease (the leasing agent didn't accept my passport as a form of ID)
-started to berate me on a daily level, telling me how disgusted, grossed out, and repulsed he was by my body
-changed the passwords to our shared bank account and lied to me about having removed my name already
-shut down my phone service
-disabled my key to our apartment
-threatened he would subpoena me if I didn't sign the annulment papers so that I would be arrested at the airport and couldn't fly back to Europe.
It was a high-conflict environment, and I immediately consulted with an immigration- and divorce attorney. They suggested I should document all evidence of abuse, and I was eventually able to record my husband making death threats!
I used the voice recording to get a temporary protective order against him, and he was escorted out of our apartment by two cops and two people from the sheriff's department. He took our dog with him, but I know she isn't safe. When my husband had his suicide attempt on December 15th, he also threatened to kill the dog…
I flew to Europe and informed the court I would not attend the protective order hearing. I still have mixed feelings about it.
I decided it would be best to stick to NC, but I sent him a "BPD workbook" as a gift to our address. I also kept monitoring his blog and frequently checked his favorite dating app for his profile to show up. It didn't take long for him to create a profile and I was shocked to see that his profile picture was a selfie with the female cop who worked on my case( protective order).
His last photo was a picture of us with our niece and nephew. At this point, he had declared that his sister was dead to him and he was no longer an uncle. Still, he used the image to give the impression of a happy, caring family man. I wish I could protect others from him. He is fantastic at deceiving and manipulating people…
If only I could get a conservatorship over him. He is a danger to himself and others, and since we're still legally married, I feel a sense of responsibility for his safety and well-being.
My husband was the first and only person I ever loved. So life has been quite challenging since the discard, to say the least…. I lost everything important to me. Now I'm the one who's stranded on the wrong continent.
If you've been reading until this point. I hope your life hasn't been burnt to the ground by your pwBPD as mine has been. And if you're still in for the ride, take it as a warning sign…
My husband shows not just every sign of BPD but also BP-1 (border polar). Therefore, his next low and maybe even suicide attempt is inevitable.
I would do anything to get him diagnosed (for his own good) and exposed (for everyone else's good).
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