Adult Daughter with BPD traits

[RubyJ]

I need help!  I dont know how or where to start.  My adult Daughter has BPD Traits, she is pregnant and has suddenly decided to cut me out of her life.  It is painful and frightening to think that I may not be allowed to have a relationship with her or my grandchild but i dont know what to do.  I am respecting her choice of no contact now and am trying to learn how best to communicate and live with her anger, mood swings, etc.  no contact is difficult but i know it is best for now until I learn how to communicate with her.  There are lots of family dynamics at play that i have no control over, I can only control myself and try to find a community that can help me.  I love my daughter and dont want to lose her and i dont know how to deal with some of the feelings she has.   She has accused me of being manipulatve, a horrible mother….I could go on and on….i feel lost and afraid.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MystifiedMom]

RubyJ, I'm new here, too.  My 33 year old daughter has traits as well, but hasn't been formally diagnosed that I know of.  I think her behavior fits the "quiet borderline"  -  aka "high functioning borderline." I get the worrying about her estranging from you.  My daughter has done the push-pull ever since she was thirteen years old.  It has gotten worse as she has gotten older.  She hasn't ever gone no contact with me, but she was very distant for a year and a half, and it was very difficult for me. 

My daughter can be soo touchy about everything. And we can have a conversation that seems normal at the time, and later she tells me how awful I was.  She blames me for the craziest things. About 5 years ago, I started doing a modified version of gray rocking to decrease the conflict, and it has helped a lot.  We aren't close anymore, but the relationship is mostly peaceful.  And I can sense when she is starting to turn on me, and I temporarily keep a little distance until I feel like it's safe again.  I check in with her through text - keep it friendly but brief. 

I feel for you.  It's so hard to manage, and to grieve the relationship you thought you would have with your daughter. 

[kells76]

Hi RubyJ, so glad you found the group here 

It makes sense that you know you need help but aren't sure of the first steps to take, especially when your daughter has out of the blue cut you off. Add the stress and worry you must be feeling about her pregnancy, and anyone would feel overwhelmed.

What seems positive, in an odd way, is that you've realized this:

no contact is difficult but i know it is best for now until I learn how to communicate with her. 

Despite the pain of her not being in touch with you, you have been able to see that as a bit of a respite, where you can take a break from the intensity, and have space to learn new and different ways of communication for down the road.

This is a good place to start learning about other parents' experiences -- what worked, what didn't -- and to check out some resources we have, like our section of articles about when your child has BPD. You can start there and see how it feels for you 

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Are you in a relationship right now (with your daughter's father, stepdad, other)? If so, is your partner supportive of you/understanding of the situation?

Keep us in the loop -- we'll be here for you.

kells76