Letting go

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, I am currently in a marriage that has been extremely difficult for 22 years. I always knew some thing was wrong, but didn’t know what.
For the first 10 or so years I think I was so busy building our business and being a mother that I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn’t figure out where the all the chaos was coming from. I think I was just so confused. Sometimes he was wonderful and other times a maniac, impulsive, angry,  insensitive
 
I didn’t understand the chaos it was so foreign to me.
Sure I had intense or even dysfunctional relationships when I was younger, but they never felt insane. Even my most dysfunctional relationships were easier than my marriage

 And yet there are good things in my partner, and I have loved him, but I am tired,  exhausted really, and I’ve lost myself and have only recently started climbing out of that hole as I realized that it was time to let go and move on.
 I thought he was bipolar or maybe a narcissist, but when I started reading “stop walking on eggshells”. I finally felt validated . It’s not me.

I feel like I always had to protect my daughter  from his insanity and overall I did, and kept a very loving stable home this whole time, but she has moved away to college, and I am tired and unhappy and I don’t want to be his security blanket and nurturer and mother, and Nurse anymore.
My heart hurts because there are really wonderful things about him and we do have fun when he’s not reactive but I’m just so tired and I don’t want to be the person to help him figure it out, or the person who hast to fill him up.
. I’ve tried for many many years to encourage him to get help for his anger and emotions which he never did, or would do for a few weeks, and then he would think he was done, and now I understand why,

 I’m both so sad and also so relieved that I don’t have to live this way any longer. I do need to think about how to communicate with my daughter which I’m not going to right away,  I am going to see a therapist first to get my own emotions and understanding more clear but eventually I know that will be something to address
I don’t plan to divorce immediately, but I’m moving in that direction, there are a lot of things to consider and take care of, and I need to take care of my own health before that change
but ’m glad to be able to share this.
It’s been a long time and even when I did share bits of it, no one would believe me because he is so charming in every other area of our life, it’s good to know others understand the insanity,  pain, & overwhelm.

[Charm]

Hi, I am currently in a marriage that has been extremely difficult for 22 years. I always knew some thing was wrong, but didn’t know what.
For the first 10 or so years I think I was so busy building our business and being a mother that I felt so overwhelmed that I couldn’t figure out where the all the chaos was coming from. I think I was just so confused. Sometimes he was wonderful and other times a maniac, impulsive, angry,  insensitive
 
I didn’t understand the chaos it was so foreign to me.
Sure I had intense or even dysfunctional relationships when I was younger, but they never felt insane. Even my most dysfunctional relationships were easier than my marriage

 And yet there are good things in my partner, and I have loved him, but I am tired,  exhausted really, and I’ve lost myself and have only recently started climbing out of that hole as I realized that it was time to let go and move on.
 I thought he was bipolar or maybe a narcissist, but when I started reading “stop walking on eggshells”. I finally felt validated . It’s not me.

I feel like I always had to protect my daughter  from his insanity and overall I did, and kept a very loving stable home this whole time, but she has moved away to college, and I am tired and unhappy and I don’t want to be his security blanket and nurturer and mother, and Nurse anymore.
My heart hurts because there are really wonderful things about him and we do have fun when he’s not reactive but I’m just so tired and I don’t want to be the person to help him figure it out, or the person who hast to fill him up.
. I’ve tried for many many years to encourage him to get help for his anger and emotions which he never did, or would do for a few weeks, and then he would think he was done, and now I understand why,

 I’m both so sad and also so relieved that I don’t have to live this way any longer. I do need to think about how to communicate with my daughter which I’m not going to right away,  I am going to see a therapist first to get my own emotions and understanding more clear but eventually I know that will be something to address
I don’t plan to divorce immediately, but I’m moving in that direction, there are a lot of things to consider and take care of, and I need to take care of my own health before that change
but ’m glad to be able to share this.
It’s been a long time and even when I did share bits of it, no one would believe me because he is so charming in every other area of our life, it’s good to know others understand the insanity,  pain, & overwhelm.