Recently engaged to my bp after longer stints of better behavior (which led me to imagine everything could possibly be ok and healthy)...
It’s understandably disappointing to feel hopeful that our loved one has had an epiphany and has made a behavioral change, only to realize that they’ve returned to the same problematic behavior. Such is the nature of BPD and our wishful thinking.
Now, every time he has an episode, it seems to take the life out of me in addition to the joy I felt over our engagement.
I now doubt everything and feel unstable without a solid foundation to rely on. I don't know if he even loves me, or if he just needs me.
I don't know if what he says is genuine or if it is all a guided manipulation at getting me back in the game. The loving statements, the gifts...
I know he is anxiously protecting against abandonment, but I am realizing I prefer being alone and at peace than being in his presence.
It seems you are thinking clearly, rather than being swept away in the “what if’s” or “could be’s” so that’s a step in a good direction. It often takes people a long time to let go of wishful thinking and romantic dreams and look reality straight in the face.
Now what? That’s the question to ponder. Is this the life you want to live? It sounds like you are at a choice point. Depending upon whether he just has traits that occasionally are difficult to deal with, or has a full-blown disorder—that’s something to think about. If otherwise functional, then it’s possible to have a fulfilling relationship, realizing that there will always be the BPD hiccup to deal with, but learning the Tools (at the top of the page) makes it much more manageable. We all have baggage, after all.
