Will therapy help the partner of a uhwBPD?

[JazzSinger]

I am at the end of my rope with my uhwBPD.

About 10 years ago, I  tried therapy on my own, since my husband refused to go to couples therapy and would NEVER seek treatment for himself. I got support as well as good advice on how to live with him. But at the time, I didn’t know he had BPD. I only knew something was wrong with him, and I wanted to try to fix our marriage.  My therapist thought it might be NPD. Now, I think it’s both.  I’ve sought her advice off and on, over the years.

But I think he’s getting worse.  I’m miserable. Although I have friends and activities that keep me busy (we’re both retired), I still have to deal with him 24/7. He never stops criticizing me, and he never stops blaming me when HE hurts my feelings. He never stops gaslighting.  I do a good job of shutting down and not reacting, or even walking away when he’s attacking me  — Sometimes that diffuses it.  But I fear his behavior may be taking a toll on my physical health, as well as my emotional well being.  I don’t buy into the things he’s said about me over the years, but having to defend yourself in your own home is just wrong.  And debilitating.

Somehow, I don’t think another round of therapy will help me. I feel I’ll just be running to a professional with my hair on fire, unloading about all he’s done to me, and how difficult it is to live with him.  Been there, done that.  In the end, it doesn’t help much, and sometimes it makes me angrier because he’s the one who needs help.   

I guess the unspoken truth is that there’s nothing left for me to do but leave.  Not easy when you’re living on a fixed income and splitting up would bankrupt both of us.

So, under the circumstances, I wonder if more therapy might ease the pain?

[ForeverDad]

Yes, you can benefit with counseling or therapy, whichever word sounds right to you.

Sometimes we use the terms counseling and therapy interchangeably.  That's okay, no need to nitpick, we all need some level of help, right?  However, I usually say the counseling (informing and educating) is for us reasonably normal persons and therapy (modifying perceptions and acting-out hurtful behaviors) is for those needing deeper and more intensive guidance.  I view it as a difference between our situational distress versus a pwBPD's internal issues.

But since your spouse evidently does not want to change, your choice is limited to either work on yourself to better handle living with him as he is, or decide that for your own mental and emotional welfare it is better to get some distance apart and possibly separate or divorce.