Been completely blocked and I don't know what to do

[Ap]

Hi everyone
My first post here.
I was with this girl who was literally perfect in everyway. She never told me she had BPD , altho she did tell me she had eating disorders etc but I was always supportive. Things were going so so well, until just one day completely out of the blue she dumped me. She made up all random reasons for it and then said she didn't want to talk. So she unfriended me on everything. I had no idea how to react and since reading about BPD I guess I completely reacted in the wrong way. I kept messaging her , hoping that she would read something I wrote and be like 'oh I've made a mistake'. All my friends say I should hate her. But i don't. I absolutely love her to the earth. Still, after everything she's done.
She's completely blocked me off everything, which I suppose is fair enough as looking back I didn't respect her space and i deeply regret doing that. I got desperate, needy and beggy. Because everything we had was so so perfect.
I've done so much reading since our break up etc on BPD and I feel I understand it better now.
But I still want her to message me, for her to realise like what we had actually was lovely.
I want her to come back.
Even though I know the risk of her doing it again is very likely. And many people will say just try and move on.

I have to questions.

Is it likely she will ever message me again?, it's been just over a week since we last spoke but nearly a month since she split up with me.

Should I, at some point, reach out to her by post or something ? Or is that completely wrong to do?

How do I move on? I am so upset, I'm absolutely broken. I can't sleep, work, focus or anything.

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Augustine]

I was with this girl who was literally perfect in everyway.

 …until just one day completely out of the blue she dumped me.

 I absolutely love her to the earth.

Your solution resides in being analytical, and accepting that these statements are incongruent to your emotional health.

Borderlines aren’t capable of ever being perfect in the accepted OED definition, and are to relationships as a box of explosives are to home decorating.

It never, ever improves after a devaluation/discard, as a quick scan of these forums will confirm.

Borderline is characterized by shame-proneness; a rejection sensitivity with rejection-rage affect; and anger independent of stimuli that fits an irrational narrative to the anger.

Whereas you and I will view the world linearly, borderline distorts the same world as a Mandelbrot set. In other words, we share the same planet, but don’t inhabit the same world.

You cannot reason with them, and loving them is what triggers the worst of their symptoms.

Is it likely she will ever message me again?

Probably, but it doesn’t mean what you think it means…at all.  It only means that her immediate emotional needs cannot be met elsewhere. Her contacting you again is the worse thing that can happen to you now. You have to just trust me on this one.

Should I, at some point, reach out to her by post or something ?

No. Re establishing contact not only makes your situation far worse, but hers as well.

 It’s a dysfunctional dance, and you need to sit this one out until you can find someone else who has the strength to dip you without dropping you and fracturing your skull.  

How do I move on?

It’s going to be challenging, but the alternative (returning to the relationship) is infinitely worse.

The cure is identical to AA: Complete abstinence.

The longer you expose yourself to borderline in any sense, the longer your recovery.

You move on not by dissecting the borderline, but by dissecting yourself.

Whatever the borderline thinks, feels, says, or does is completely irrelevant now.

You are the only person who matters.

Once you acknowledge the latter, you’re well on your way to being healthy again.

[once removed]

I want her to come back.

i moved your thread to the Reversing a Breakup board. Detaching is a board for folks that are deep into the grieving process, and/or committed to breaking up.

i was in similar shoes when i first came here. i was broken up with. i wanted her back.

She's completely blocked me off everything

this is a significant obstacle.

when someone blocks you, cuts off communication, goes out of their way to avoid it, they are erecting high walls. if you try to go over those walls, they will erect higher ones.

respecting those walls unfortunately leaves you with very few options in terms of "moves" to be made.

I got desperate, needy and beggy.

ive been there. if thats the case, then respecting those walls is the opposite of desperate, needy, or beggy. certainly doubling down would make things worse.

Is it likely she will ever message me again?, it's been just over a week since we last spoke but nearly a month since she split up with me.

it is possible she will message you again. no one can tell you what the likelihood or unlikelihood is. she will or she wont. the odds of it happening are better if you dont reach out to her than if you do, but no one could say what those odds are.

i dont mean to discourage you, or to tell you to move on. only to tell you that in a situation where youre blocked on every front, there isnt a great hand to play. you are, by and large, hanging your hope on not only the ice thawing, but on that person taking the initiative to reach out.

How do I move on? I am so upset, I'm absolutely broken. I can't sleep, work, focus or anything.

dont underestimate that you may be depressed. 80% of us that arrive here are. especially when sleep goes haywire, like it did for me, it makes everything worse. consider being evaluated by your doctor. being in a strong place mentally and emotionally is important. think about it. if she contacted you today or tomorrow, how do you think youd react?

you want to be healthy, and you want to feel better; you also want to be ready if that time ever comes.

She made up all random reasons for it and then said she didn't want to talk.

what reasons did she give you?

[once removed]

what were the reasons that she gave you for the breakup?

[Ap]

When she first called and said she wanted to talk about our relationship she first said something felt wrong , even though we had had the nicest day together. I was confused by this then she said it's because in my future plans I want kids and now she's not sure if she does. I replied saying that isn't an important factor for me overly. We left it there until the next day she called and told me she had BPD. But during that day I had asked her do you still like me and she said yes... I noticed something was a little off towards the end. But she said she gets a foggy mind when her period is due.

I had little knowledge of BPD but I knew it meant people change their minds with it and makes them not overly think things out.

I stupidly kept messaging and in retrospect didn't respect her need for space, I didn't want to loose her.

We met a week ago, as I just couldn't understand what I did wrong. She looked almost sick, she was getting annoyed at her dog even though I'd never seen her get annoyed or agitated before. We had a walk and then sat down and talked more. I asked can we be friends and she said she wasn't sure etc. I then asked the painful question if she could ever see herself being with me again and she said no, that she's not okay at the moment mentally and hasnt had time to be upset since her last relationship, which I think she prehaps lied about the time between her last and me... Being more 2/3 months time gap.
Because she had said she was really struggling mentally , in my mind, because i care for her I wanted to make her happy so i would send her texts or a picture of something she likes trying to make her smile, aboht trivial stuff in the hope she wasn't struggling on her own. I meant those with only good intentions, but she ended up blocking me. Again, in retrospect I guess it was me not respecting her space. I just wanted to make her smile.

We haven't spoken in just over a week now, and it's been painful. I've had break ups before but I've been able to get over them because there may have been arguments or disagreements etc in those. Whereas with her, we never had a cross word to say, never a raised voice, she made me constantly smile, and I genuinely believe I made her smile too. I only have fond memories and keep thinking about them.

Since the breakup I have seeked out professional help, as I believe my 'needy' messages may stem from maybe my own abandonment issues , and the way I have completely let this situation over take my life clearly shows I have some unresolved issues of my own prehaps. I haven't started these sessions yet but shall do this coming week.

I am finding it really hard to not reach out. I want to help her. I want her to just message , even as friends. I can't imagine moving on from her as I feel i didn't even get a chance.
I'm scared she will just forget about me and just never message me again

[Ap]

Oh to add she also said it was moving too fast. I said we can strip it all the way back to just dating again.

I really want her to realise what we had was lovely and that I will put the time and effort in to always make sure she is okay mentally during it and if she feels off and needs space then I'd be okay with that as long as she doesn't give up on me

Obviously I can't do that now unless it's through email or post. Which may then be seen by her as again not respecting her space so I'm completely unsure with what to do

I was thinking of maybe sending her a birthday card, but not putting anything like that in there. Just a simple message so she knows I'm still here ?

I have recently read putting pressure on the situations makes things worse so I wouldn't want to do that by putting a pleading message in a birthday card

With the abandonment side of things , surely me still being here, wanting her, shows I would never abandon her ? In my mind that makes sense but maybe not ...

[FarDrop77]

I get you with seeing a therapist about abandonment issues - with me it's sometimes like a uncontrollable reflex to be needy and beg her back.  But for bpd the abandonment has a dark side where they kind of mentally convince themselves you were bad all along, so the begging won't help, maybe even convinces them you were guilty of ... whatever.  Also you have no idea what could be going on with the ex - maybe she discarded him, too, and is starting to waffle on which of you is good or evil.  Either way I don't think you deserved to be discarded loke that.