Go see a psychiatrist

[deadmouse]

I've been in a relationship with my pwBPD for almost two years and a half now. Yes, it's been very hard on me and at times even slightly traumatizing. Unfortunately, I love him. And love isn't something you can just switch on and off at will.

Now, I'm quite an introverted person and don't have many people around me. I also have no family. The very few people I've turned to for advice about this have told me I am the crazy one and that I should go see a psychiatrist. 'Go see a shrink' seems to be the answer to everything. I even fell out with a friend over this. I've been called stupid, a fallen woman and many other things because I don't want to end the relationship.

I find it astounding since it's the person with BPD that should seek help, isn't that the case? Am I misunderstanding something here? I find it disgusting that people don't actually want to help but just want to insult you. I would never behave like that. If I had a friend come to me with their problems I'd first of all listen and empathize, then I'd offer something in the way of distraction (let's go out for dinner, let's hang out, let's go watch a concert etc), and if that were possible I'd even confront the partner with BPD.

But all I hear is that I'm an idiot and need to go to the psychiatrist. What gives?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Blurr]

Hi,

That sounds really hard, wanting to get support and then being told you are an idiot. I think you are right to be upset with being treated like that.

Have you tried therapy before? Up until June of this year I hadn't. I have a large friend group and a big close family, but still was feeling lonely and isolated I was putting most of my energy into keeping things calm in my relationship with my wife who seems to have many bpd traits. Therapy has been very valuable to me (along with posting here). It is hard to get other people to understand what we go through with a disordered partner and the advice often doesn't hit the mark.

For example, I opened up a little to friends about how I felt unable to socialize with friends and family without my wife present. I heard things like "must be nice to be wanted" or "that's normal, just wait until things cool down after the honeymoon period and she'll be happy to see you leave the house!" These responses made me question if there really was a problem and left me feeling frustrated and confused and wondering if I was being dramatic. They meant well, but some things are above the friend's
"pay grade" and that's where a professional can come in handy. Just having somebody understand really helps. It seems to be the go-to advice because so many people have been through this and know how helpful it can be.

What are some specific things you are dealing with?

[deadmouse]

Hi,

That sounds really hard, wanting to get support and then being told you are an idiot. I think you are right to be upset with being treated like that.

Have you tried therapy before? Up until June of this year I hadn't. I have a large friend group and a big close family, but still was feeling lonely and isolated I was putting most of my energy into keeping things calm in my relationship with my wife who seems to have many bpd traits. Therapy has been very valuable to me (along with posting here). It is hard to get other people to understand what we go through with a disordered partner and the advice often doesn't hit the mark.

For example, I opened up a little to friends about how I felt unable to socialize with friends and family without my wife present. I heard things like "must be nice to be wanted" or "that's normal, just wait until things cool down after the honeymoon period and she'll be happy to see you leave the house!" These responses made me question if there really was a problem and left me feeling frustrated and confused and wondering if I was being dramatic. They meant well, but some things are above the friend's
"pay grade" and that's where a professional can come in handy. Just having somebody understand really helps. It seems to be the go-to advice because so many people have been through this and know how helpful it can be.

What are some specific things you are dealing with?

Thank you so much for your reply, it means a lot!

I'm female, my pwBPD is male. He has all the typical traits of BPD, plus upon being presented with a list of these typical traits (fear of abandonment, feeling oft emptiness etc), he agreed with every single one of them. His mood changes a million times a day, even on 'good days'.

Basically, it's a constant roller coaster where some days are just awesome, and then his Mr. Hyde persona emerges and he goes into a fit of rage, insulting and choking me, breaking things, screaming at me... Anything can set him off. The other night it was because I said my knee was hurting. Cue "I don't want to take responsibility for this", "you'll say it's my fault your knee hurts" and other bizarre things in the same vein.

I haven't tried therapy. I'm also in a country where this sort of thing isn't all that popular and, frankly, there's a lack of quality in the field. It's very much "you have to learn to love yourself" and all that jazz. I tried therapy once a few years ago for an unrelated issue (I was told I was crazy and needed help with a skin rash that turned out to be eczema. Once I got the proper medical treatment, the eczema was no longer a problem). That time I was told my eczema problems "stemmed from childhood".

I just can't believe how horrible people are - they can tell I'm struggling, they KNOW I don't have a good support network, but "my daughter would never allow anyone to treat her the way you are being treated - that's because she has a brain" and "you are a total idiot". One person I spoke to even told me I was so stupid that she could no longer deal with my stupidity and therefore would have to leave straightaway. It's just beyond infuriating!

Sorry about the rant!

[deadmouse]

To add insult to injury I've also been told I "actually enjoy this" and that I wouldn't want it any other way.

When I recounted being insulted by my pwBPD and being accused of the most absurd things (eg he accused me of being a prostitute), I apparently "enjoy" this too because I "smiled" when I told the story.

I didn't smile, I made a face you make when you 'don't know whether to laugh or cry' because something is completely absurd. 'Smiling' can also be a defense mechanism. But no, I enjoy the abuse and am actively seeking to be insulted.

[Cat Familiar]

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way by people you trusted enough to share the issues you are dealing with. I agree with Blurr that often friends and family don’t have the emotional resources or wisdom to deal with the weird behaviors that we see from our BPD loved ones.

To put a positive spin on the negative things they’ve said, we often encourage members here to seek counseling, as dealing with these dysfunctional behaviors is so exhausting and emotionally depleting. (Even therapists seek counseling when they have difficult BPD clients! And they don’t live with them!)

And have you looked at the article on Boundaries in the Tools section at the top of this page?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I’ve found that the more I’ve strengthened my boundaries, the less concerned I am with the troublesome behaviors of my husband. It takes work and practice, but it’s well worth it. That said, it doesn’t change his behaviors, rather having strong boundaries makes it much easier for me not to be emotionally affected by his dysfunctional behavior/attitudes/emotions.

Have you looked into online therapy? My Better Help therapist has clients in Japan, Australia, and Ukraine.

In the meantime, tell us more about your situation and how we can help.

[deadmouse]

I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way by people you trusted enough to share the issues you are dealing with. I agree with Blurr that often friends and family don’t have the emotional resources or wisdom to deal with the weird behaviors that we see from our BPD loved ones.

To put a positive spin on the negative things they’ve said, we often encourage members here to seek counseling, as dealing with these dysfunctional behaviors is so exhausting and emotionally depleting. (Even therapists seek counseling when they have difficult BPD clients! And they don’t live with them!)

And have you looked at the article on Boundaries in the Tools section at the top of this page?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I’ve found that the more I’ve strengthened my boundaries, the less concerned I am with the troublesome behaviors of my husband. It takes work and practice, but it’s well worth it. That said, it doesn’t change his behaviors, rather having strong boundaries makes it much easier for me not to be emotionally affected by his dysfunctional behavior/attitudes/emotions.

Have you looked into online therapy? My Better Help therapist has clients in Japan, Australia, and Ukraine.

In the meantime, tell us more about your situation and how we can help.

Thank you for that resource! I’ll definitely look into it.

I do understand that friends don’t necessarily have the necessary experience and resources, however calling someone an idiot, bragging about the intelligence of your children and telling the person you’re talking to they’re so insufferably stupid you have to leave is a bit rich.

Basically, I’m dealing with a man who is completely unhinged and has a severe weed addiction. He smokes five to six huge spliffs of very strong stuff daily and has been doing so for more than ten years. On the one hand, it calms him down, on the other hand he goes totally off the rails whenever he chooses to ‘quit’. He can not smoke for a day but then something will trigger him and he'll make me responsible for 'making' him smoke.

He can't deal with the simplest things in life. E.g. we both have a knee injury. It took him almost two years to go to the doctor's, and he only went there because I insisted he go. The other day we were already in bed cuddling, and I mentioned my knee was sore. He flew off the handle, saying he didn't want to be responsible for my pain, that he knows I'll just blame him for my injury. Like, what on earth?

He absolutely can't take any criticism. At the same time, he accuses me of 'not admitting to my wrongdoings'. The whole narrative centers around blame, accusations, and wrongdoings. I'm a morally corrupt person, a witch, he pities everyone who's ever come into contact with me etc etc. He thinks it's normal to take my phone and force me to delete our photos. If I refuse, he grabs the phone and threatens to break it. He broke my laptop this morning, I had to spend money I don't have on a new one. Afterwards, he's remorseful - and the cycle continues. He's ripped up photos, smashed things and cut up clothes. He even ripped up money once. Oh and he cut up his documents because, according to him, I had put them in the wrong place. Ten minutes later he looked at me confused and asked me why he'd cut up his driver's license and his ID card. When I told him, the response was 'ah'.

I've filled four diaries with all the insanity. Journaling is a way to not go insane myself. He regularly threatens me with all kinds of things - he's going to kill me, he's going to thrash my apartment, he regularly throws stuff at my window...

Yeah, just writing this I realize how crazy it sounds. But when things are good, they are perfect. They are so perfect that perfect doesn't even begin to cover it. It's something from a different dimension. I have never felt like this with anyone, as if every cell of my body were complete. The feeling is indescribable.

And here I am, hoping against hope that things can always stay in that perfect phase.

[LonelyWife]

Hi Deadmouse,

I can relate so much! Instead of weed my husband is addicted to his vaping and he'll say the same things to me when he tries to "quit". I completely understand what you are feeling when you mentioned the good days are perfect and everything seems perfect. My husband was just recently diagnosed with BPD so I'm still learning but I wanted to post and say that I understand what you are going through and I'm going through something similar. I'm here for you.

[Cat Familiar]

That *perfection* phase of the cycle is what keeps us hooked. Unfortunately with personality disorders, there’s always the “Mr. Hyde” part that follows. Often it gets to the point where we seldom even encounter the “Dr. Jekyll” part.

The only way to navigate these relationships is to accept this and then decide how much we are willing to tolerate, and hold firm to that decision.

If you don’t want to experience abuse and acting out behavior, perhaps you need to create some distance between the two of you. Often these relationships work out better if you both have your own separate places.