How to talk to bod spouse that lies

[mikejones75093]

High functioning bpd spouse that I don't want to divorce but it's getting out of control and I don't know how to fix it.  She has extreme impulsive spending.

Talked to her about it and I'm a liar, I'm irresponsible,  she's always responsible.   Made up things how I've put my family at risk.  She says this stuff like she actually believes it's.

How do you talk to somebody about this?  My counselor told me not to be afraid it's just words and to say them, but it's almost like she's not in reality.   So it's followed up with yelling and screaming, calling me a narcasist,  and how she does everything and I do nothing.  It's all wrong but how do I communicate this or am I just screwed and need to end it?   It didn't used to be this bad but the last few years the spending is out of control I don't know how to get through to her.

[ForeverDad]

You may not want to divorce, we understand, but when dealing with BPD and other acting-out personality disorders, all too often our wishes cannot succeed.

BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Others on the periphery may notice "something off" but the closest ones bear the brunt.  Unfortunately, Denial and Blame Shifting are strong traits in people with BPD (pwBPD).  Combine all that with another observed trait, that the history of your close relationship is just too much emotional baggage for many with BPD to truly listen to those close who are trying to help.
BPD is a disorder most impacting to close relationships.  Others on the periphery may notice "something off" but the closest ones bear the brunt.  Unfortunately, Denial and Blame Shifting are strong traits in people with BPD (pwBPD).  Combine all that with another observed trait, that the history of your close relationship is just too much emotional baggage for many with BPD to truly listen to those close who are trying to help.

Years ago I read a comment by another member and that explanation opened my eyes. In short, BPD is a disorder impacting close relationships the most. Others on the periphery may notice something "off" but it's not a big thing in their lives and they don't spend a lot of private time where the pwBPD feels free to "let it all hang out". But we did get the full brunt of the poor behaviors, and you do too.

Why couldn't we help? Because we shared too much history with them and they couldn't get past their perceived emotional baggage of the dysfunctional relationship in order to truly listen.

If she will not listen to anyone, accept that.  Maybe some year in the future she may decide to seek meaningful help, but odds are you're not the one to do it.  She would have to want to fix herself.

As has been mentioned in years past, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."  There is almost no limit to what your spouse may do or attempt.

As for your financial options, the responses depend on your situation.  Is she a cardholder on your credit account, or are they her accounts or joint accounts?  Usually it is best to avoid joint accounts or have as small amounts as possible so spouse has less access to fritter away.

The second half of this post has some financial strategies, though of course none of them will be met with cooperation.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356506.msg13200289#msg13200289

[mikejones75093]

You may not want to divorce, we understand, but when dealing with BPD and other acting-out personality disorders, all too often our wishes cannot succeed.

If she will not listen to anyone, accept that.  Maybe some year in the future she may decide to seek meaningful help, but odds are you're not the one to do it.  She would have to want to fix herself.

As has been mentioned in years past, "If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time."  There is almost no limit to what your spouse may do or attempt.

As for your financial options, the responses depend on your situation.  Is she a cardholder on your credit account, or are they her accounts or joint accounts?  Usually it is best to avoid joint accounts or have as small amounts as possible so spouse has less access to fritter away.

The second half of this post has some financial strategies, though of course none of them will be met with cooperation.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356506.msg13200289#msg13200289

So as far as divorce she's willing to give me almost everything just to get away.  I'm half tempted to take it.

That tears the bandaid off and makes it easy on me, but am I letting my kids down?  Now they have to deal with her without me there to be the punching bag.  I'm worried about it.  Don't think it will be extremely physical that I can take custody but yelling and degrading yes.  Enough to mess with young mind.  Right now I'm there to walk in and put the yelling on me.

I asked what her true issues are and she told me it was my financial irresponsibility.   But wait, that's not me it's her.  And no matter how I break it down to her she keeps saying I screwed up.  I can't tell if she believes it or making it up.  I told her that,  and that it really concerned me, that made it worse of course.  She's acting like a hero and that I'm terrible.

I don't know what changed in her to get this bad.  It was always there but this is a whole different level.

[ForeverDad]

While not every possible future is guaranteed, it is our peer support general experience that staying together "for the kids" has downsides.

One of them is that at least part of the time you are away from the kids anyway while you work, do errands and other activities.  So it's not like staying means you're with the kids 100% of the time.

Another reality is that by staying you're not giving the children the best (or least bad) example possible.  They see you dancing around the disorder daily, conceding to spouse's demand and ultimatums.  So when they grow up they're likely to marry someone like dad or someone like mom.  They need to see a good example from you of good boundaries and an example a a calm and loving home environment, even if not all the time.

Yes, there's a risk they could be influenced poorly if you're not there every day, but that could happen anyway even if you were there every day.

And for the children to see this discord all the time isn't good for them even if it's not directed at them.  Children learn by example.  If this dysfunctional example is their home life growing up, what life choices will they make seeking relationships when they're grown and gone?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Nearly 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

Of course, if the marriage does end, you want legal advice (and our peer support experiences) with the goal that you have as much custody and parenting as possible.  It's not as if you leave and walk away from the kids.  You can still be a valuable dad and be there for them as an involved parent.

[mikejones75093]

While not every possible future is guaranteed, it is our peer support general experience that staying together "for the kids" has downsides.

One of them is that at least part of the time you are away from the kids anyway while you work, do errands and other activities.  So it's not like staying means you're with the kids 100% of the time.

Another reality is that by staying you're not giving the children the best (or least bad) example possible.  They see you dancing around the disorder daily, conceding to spouse's demand and ultimatums.  So when they grow up they're likely to marry someone like dad or someone like mom.  They need to see a good example from you of good boundaries and an example a a calm and loving home environment, even if not all the time.

Yes, there's a risk they could be influenced poorly if you're not there every day, but that could happen anyway even if you were there every day.

Of course, if the marriage does end, you want legal advice (and our peer support experiences) with the goal that you have as much custody and parenting as possible.  It's not as if you leave and walk away from the kids.  You can still be a valuable dad and be there for them as an involved parent.

Already getting all of that together just in case and working with a counselor to help me through it.

I just don't know how it all changed so bad.  Her having a melt down like a toddler and getting over it in and being back to normal an hour later has been the normal for years.  Now it's just extreme all the time and has been for a few months. She's completely lost it and has no clue.