Is my uhwBPD two people?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uhwBPD  often seems to have no recollection of the horrible things he’s said to me.  I’m beginning to think he’s two people — One who can be kind and loving, and the other who is highly critical, judgmental, narcissistic, and mean-spirited.  I’m also starting to think that the good one is not aware of the bad one, and vice versa.  I don’t know if he’s playing games with me or if he really isn’t aware of his horrific behaviors when he’s verbally assaulting me.

It’s beyond frustrating. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks. 

[JazzSinger]

My uhwBPD  often seems to have no recollection of the horrible things he’s said to me.  I’m beginning to think he’s two people — One who can be kind and loving, and the other who is highly critical, judgmental, narcissistic, and mean-spirited.  I’m also starting to think that the good one is not aware of the bad one, and vice versa.  I don’t know if he’s playing games with me or if he really isn’t aware of his horrific behaviors when he’s verbally assaulting me.

It’s beyond frustrating. 

Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks. 

[Cat Familiar]

That’s the origin of the Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde analogy in BPD. Yes, when he is dysregulated, he is unlikely to be aware of (or care about) how you experience his behavior.

BPD is a disorder of shame and self loathing. They typically don’t want to look below the surface at who they are and how they behave. It’s very difficult for someone with BPD to accurately and honestly assess their behavior (when it’s unkind and thoughtless) and how that impacts other people.

[ThatFLGuy]

Yes! I'm experiencing this as we speak. Long story short, my wife's "blowups" have escalated over the last few months and have become intolerable for me. This led to a short stint in marriage counseling but now she sees I'm considering divorce. This too has ratcheted up the stress for her and triggers her more.

Since then we will have a couple of days where she is remorseful and seems to have a clear view of how she is hurting me. We may even have productive conversations about how we can improve the relationship. Then... something will happen and she will split again and I'm the worst person on the planet and she will tell me how she has realized everything is really my fault. During these times she has said some of the meanest, most insulting things lately that she has never said before.

I understand that some people w/ BPD disassociate and I feel like this is what's happening. I pressed my wife about something really specific and nasty that she said and she denied saying it. But at the same time there was a look of bewilderment on her face like she wondered if maybe she had said it. I too wonder if there is any recollection during these splitting events.

[Cat Familiar]

I too wonder if there is any recollection during these splitting events

There may not be, or possibly very limited awareness.

When we realize that our partners are dissociating or dysregulating, it is pointless to try to talk rationally with them. Best is to just give them time to self soothe and get over it and not get drawn into their drama.

[JazzSinger]

Thank you all for your responses.  It’s all very helpful. You’re helping me stay sane.

Unfortunately, It’s getting more difficult to appreciate my uhwBPD when he’s being nice, because his other side is barely tolerable, unloveable, and almost ever-present.  I’m exhausted.

Since he doesn’t believe in marriage counseling, I think its only a matter of time before we separate.  I need peace.  Eventually, I’ll make a plan and find a way out of this.  Guess I just need to get a little stronger.