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maxsterling
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« on: September 28, 2023, 04:52:39 PM » |
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Same pattern.
Stress becomes overwhelming immediately, the desire to quit, and then the straw that breaks the camel's back. This followed by vindictiveness.
In this case she found out her supervisor was having an affair with a subordinate. According to her, numerous people are aware of the affair. Once W found out, that was her excuse to quit without notice.
In some ways this is a stress relief for me because the constant complaints from her about her job were difficult to handle. It also makes some financial decisions "off the table" without a second income.
The reality is my W has had few jobs in her life that have lasted longer than 6 months. Every time there is some kind of problem. She is self-aware of this pattern. Had her supervisor not been having an affair, she would likely have quit within a few weeks anyway. In that sense, the affair is irrelevant, yet in true BPD fashion it becomes all that matters and the underlying reasons she was unable to perform at her job.
W wants to think this is the "most disgusting thing ever", yet seems to be unaware that this kind of workplace misconduct is very common and if you work some place for any length of time you are bound to be witness to it. She is also unaware that there usually needs to be proof of a clear violation of rules to let someone go, otherwise the employer risks wrongful termination lawsuits. In this case, HR may be well aware of the affair (my gut tells me this), but it does not become a violation of rules until unequal treatment can be proven. W can't seem to ignore it, so this was her reason for quitting.
My issue is how to stay out of it. W can't simply quit and let it go because BPD says that someone must be painted black. So now she seems to be vindictive, and this lack of "letting it go" is only adding to her stress. I don't think I should put myself in a position to tell advise her on what to do, and if she wants to send angry letters, let her and let her deal with the consequences. My approach so far has been to deal with facts, not get into gossip or slander, and hopefully that steers her into a more constructive approach. Some examples:
1) Told her that I am not requiring her to work and that we are not dependent on her income, and to not place her decision upon money or requirements from me.
2) When she wants to send an angry email or message, suggesting she sit on it overnight and re-read it because whether she sends it today or tomorrow makes no difference.
3) Try to get to the real issues here. Instead of going down the road of her supervisor's relationship being "gross" or "against the rules" or that "he should be reported and fried", I have reminded her that this kind of thing is common, HR departments have rules they must follow in these situations, and whether or not he broke a rule is not her judgement, but it is fair to say that his affair created a hostile work environment and it is okay to mention that to HR if she wishes to give reasons why she quit. I have also reminded her that any action she takes or anything she says is unlikely to change anything in the way she hopes and to consider her goals before she sends or says anything.
4) I have reminded her that she is not required to give explanations or reasons, that she can quit and simply be done. She does not owe them anything.
My hope is that this bitterness passes quickly, but at the moment this is difficult to deal with.
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