He proposed then devalued/demonized me to force me to break up?

[whatamidoing]

advice or insight requested.
my partner of 6 months has BPD and i am the first real relationship he has ever had. shortly after admitting that i am the first person he has ever been in love with and that he knows im his "favorite person", he proposed to me. he was shocked because he never saw himself ever proposing to anyone. he said he will get therapy so he can overcome his symptoms so we can have a successful future. a few days later, he tells me he can never marry me because of a self-admitted delusion he has in his head about me. he states he understands he will regret this decision and understands that i should break up with him so i break up with him. now i am wondering if this was a test to see if i would abandon him or not? should i tell him i am willing to stay with him even if we do not get married because i know he will improve after years of therapy? is he trying to save me from a lifetime of heartbreak because he recognizes this will be a cycle? was the proposal too scary for him so he said the one thing that he knew would get me to break up with him? i fully understand what life with someone with BPD will be like and i am willing to go on that rollercoaster for him. i just don't understand if he wants me or is waiting for me to fight for him .. or if he is truly done with me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[M604V]

What should you do and/or what is he doing? Hard to say. No one can really know for sure. But let’s look at some facts:

He gave you both sides of the coin. In the span of a few days he told  you you’re his favorite then he dumped you. He proposed marriage then chalked it up to a delusion.  One of the BPD bibles is titled “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” for a reason. That’s basically what he said to you.

You are trapped. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you proceed with the relationship and it gets worse it will be on you (not really but you know what I mean). Basically he told you that he isn’t prepared to take the relationship to the next level. So if you continue it’s almost like you relinquish your right to complain about the bad stuff later. He’s got you in a “I told you so” type scenario.

I can’t say “run” and I can’t say “stay”. All I can advise is that you really, truly take stock of what you want and what you’re willing to tolerate to get it. Let’s assume he has BPD and that he doesn’t pursue serious long-term therapy.  There are plenty of posts from others in the same situation as you, and they can give you a glimpse into what your future *might* hold. Take it as a gift.

Listen to your gut.

[M604V]

(More) it’s very likely that he has no clue what he wants. He has no idea of who *HE* is and what he truly wants for *HIMSELF*, so he’s going to rely on you to give it to him. You will become him, what he sees when he looks in the mirror. He’s drowning and it’s up to you to save him.

I felt very much like you did early in my relationship with my now wife. We were scheduled to be married in a few months but I got cold feet. I called it off. Maybe there were warning signs, I can’t remember all the details. Long story short: a few months later we were discussing our relationship and the conversation quickly turned really sour and tumultuous. It ended with her suicide attempt, at my house, basically right in front of me. In that moment all of her pain, her turmoil, and all of her *responsibility for her own story* was dumped right in my lap. Miraculously she survived after a three-day coma.

In that moment she gave me all the information that I needed, all the signs that said “I’m sick, I’m unpredictable and I’m dangerous” except I was too wrapped up in my own bullshi* to see it. I jumped right in the water to save her, save her from herself.

While I love her and I love the family that we’ve created I can honestly say that the roller coaster has not stopped in 15 years. It’s slowed down a bit, and  it was closed for repair for a few weeks here and there, but it has not stopped.

Try and picture your best friend going through this. What advice would you give them?