So much pain and anxiety

[HB in VA]

HELP! I've been dealing with my sick sibling9 ("brother") for years. I'm nearly 59, he is 60, and I'm at the end of my rope. I am helping our 89 year old mother, who resides in a memory care unit, and he does nearly nothing to help. This past weekend, he arrived unannounced and started verbally abusing me. That said, I made it clear that I did not want want him around, and had blocked his number, and did not receive the text that he was coming. So, we had a huge fight, and I called the police. It did not go well, but he did leave. I'm hurting. I'm worried, anxious, and afraid.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  Tough situation, but here's a few things that come to mind.

1st, your brother may not be a good son and he may not help out often, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about his mom.  He does have a right to see her and trying to keep him away will likely backfire on you.

2nd, if you feel like you can potentially be in danger, file a restraining order.  If your worry is mainly the facility where your mom's at, explain the situation and see if they can ban him.  Again, that's shaky ground and could backfire. Your safety does come first though.

3rd, I realize you have your brother blocked, but is it possible for you to unblock him for emergency contact use?  If you knew he was coming to visit your mom, then you could have simply left before he arrived and avoided this whole situation.

If your brother is BPD, there are tools here to help strengthen your communication with him whenever its unavoidable.  Look through the sticky tabs along the top of the page and take each lesson to heart.  Better communication changes everything and in time, you can create healthy boundaries for both of you.

I know that's not much, but at least it gives you somewhere to start.  Feel free to ask specific questions and the community will do their best to answer.

[Methuen]

I am very sorry.  You have a lot on your plate with your brother, your mother, and no time to look after yourself in all likelihood.  When a person is at the end of their rope, that probably means you are burned out, and just doing the best you can under enormous stresses and fatigue.

This past weekend, he arrived unannounced and started verbally abusing me. That said, I made it clear that I did not want want him around, and had blocked his number, and did not receive the text that he was coming.

Just to clarify, when you say he arrived unannounced, does he come to stay with you at your house expecting you to host him?  Or did he arrive unannounced at the care home and stay at a hotel?

Can you tell more about why you are afraid? I’m speculating he was in a rage….Did he also threaten you in any way?

Discussing your concerns about your safety or the facilities safety or your mom’s safey with the appropriate person at the facility, can he helpful in the event you believe it to be warranted.

Is there something you can do to take care of yourself while you are feeling so “at the end of your rope”?  Epsom salt bath?  Cup of tea?  Listen to music?

[Methuen]

I am very sorry.  You have a lot on your plate with your brother, your mother, and no time to look after yourself in all likelihood.  When a person is at the end of their rope, that probably means you are burned out, and just doing the best you can under enormous stresses and fatigue.
 Just to clarify, when you say he arrived unannounced, does he come to stay with you at your house expecting you to host him?  Or did he arrive unannounced at the care home and stay at a hotel? 

Is your mom happy to see him?

Can you tell more about why you are afraid? I’m speculating he was in a rage….Did he also threaten you in any way?

Discussing your concerns about your safety or the facilities safety or your mom’s safey with the appropriate person at the facility, can he helpful in the event you believe it to be warranted.

Is there something you can do to take care of yourself while you are feeling so “at the end of your rope”?  Epsom salt bath?  Cup of tea?  Listen to music?  Taking care of yourself is important.

[Notwendy]

Sounds like there is long standing conflict between you and your brother. Verbal abuse is not acceptable behavior.

Emotions in family members can unravel at these times. I also have an elderly mother and my own feelings are all over the place. I think in these situations there's also a wish for some kind of resolution with the elderly parent- but when there's disorder in a family member, that may not be possible.

I think it's also common that some siblings help more than others- it's not a fair situation- but it sounds like your brother isn't as capable as you are. As Methuen said- this puts a lot on you. If your mother is in memory care- she is being taken care of. I hope you can take some time for your self care.

While verbal abuse is not appropriate- is it a danger to your mother if your brother visits? If he is, then a restraining order is necessary to protect your mother and the staff at her facility. If he's not a danger, perhaps there's a way for him to see your mother- supervised perhaps- and not at the same time as you so you don't get into conflict with him.

I understand this is difficult for you. You have your own feelings to deal with. Memory loss involves losing the person they were. I hope you have some support system. The facility might be able to recommend a support group or other resources.