How to start an emotional conversation.

[Lost in Idaho]

So, I am going to try and keep this somewhat generic, although I won't be surprised if my username makes this impossible, for those in the area at least.  Here goes... in February I told my wife I can no longer believe our religion is true... and that I was stepping away in most of the requirements.  My wife is uBPD, she reacted the way I expected, and I reacted to her reaction by matching her tone and volume, though I tried to keep my emotions in check.  Since then I have not brought the subject up, nor have I tried to answer her questions, as I know she will only get angry again and we will not really have a discussion.  She feels really hurt and has said numerous times, "you won't even let me ask you questions".  Which is true, I just don't know how to keep the conversation civil once it (ok, she) gets started.  I have come to this site from time to time over the years, and I have been impressed by the advice given to help people with BPD loved ones move in a positive direction.  I am also impressed with resources on this site.  My problem is there is so much here, I don't know where to start.  Can someone suggest some of the resources here and elsewhere, and a rough guide on what to start with and what to read/watch next, etc.
I feel bad for her, I did not mean to expose my true feelings as sudden as I did, but I brought up my doubts yeas ago, many years ago, which she now says she does not remember.
I have seen a therapist a little this year, but I kind of feel guilty for doing so without my wife, though i don't think she would go for counseling ,we have tried marriage counseling three times in the past.  The therapist I have seen has been helpful.  But I really would like to talk to my wife about why I have changed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hi Lost and thanks for sharing.  Welcome <officially> to the forum!

Faith can be a difficult topic in any circumstance, and I can only imagine how tough it would be in your situation.  For many people, their faith is the one constant in their lives and something they hold onto very tightly.  I am not surprised that your wife has questions since I think anyone would. 

I do encourage you to have that conversation- if not with your wife, then maybe with your former pastor or someone here on the site.  Get your words together, think it through, and then share your feelings.  It might help to write it down first instead, just to get it on paper and work through it to get the words right.

That doesn't sound like why you came here today though, so let's answer your questions of where to start. 

At the top of this page (and every forum page), you'll see some green boxes dealing with diagnosis, tips, and tools.  Work your way through each of them at your own pace, and try to absorb some of the knowledge shared on each page.  A better relationship with a BPD spouse comes down to a different set of communication tools than what we'd consider "natural", and it takes a good bit of self discovery to really take them to heart.

Next, I highly recommend the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells, 3rd Edition" as a go-to resource for learning how to deal with BPD within your family.  Great practical advice throughout.

Finally, I would encourage you to ask questions directly in this thread that relate to this particular topic, or start different threads for non-related topics.  The family here are always happy to help since all of us have been through similar circumstances (not this particular thing, but the reactions it may bring).  So ask away or vent if you feel it's necessary, nobody is going to judge you.

Good luck and again, welcome!