Is JADE the way to handle the unprovoked outbursts

[gypsyJedi]

If practicing JADE is the way to handle the unprovoked outburst, how do you keep from blowing up after months from holding things in

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[kells76]

Hey gypsyJedi, welcome back;

Sounds like you've been practicing avoiding Justifying, Arguing, Defending, and Explaining.

How has that been going in the moment? For example, does it go something like:

-he starts to get wound up, and you can see his "conflict airplane" on the runway getting ready to launch (as it were)
-in the past, you would've joined in an argument, or defended yourself, or explained yourself, etc
-now, you decline to join the argument, and don't engage in defensiveness/justification/etc

Is that close?

So what happens now, after you decline to participate in him being wound up? Have you had any times where he is immediately open to resolving the problem? Or do you think it may take longer (i.e. days vs hours) for him to get back to baseline?

Holding things in can lead to blowups, you're right. Maybe we can brainstorm a way for you to let some of that out.

[SaltyDawg]

If practicing JADE is the way to handle the unprovoked outburst, how do you keep from blowing up after months from holding things in

When a pwBPD is dysregulated and cannot be reasoned with (not being rational).  You must wait for the pwBPD to become re-regulated and can be reasoned with (usually several hours up to a few days later).  Once they are re-regulated (baseline) and their inappropriate anger has blown over then you can communicate using "I" statements, using SET, DEARMAN, BIFF or other communication methods that are designed to minimize the chances that your pwBPD will get triggered again.

It is important not to keep the issues by not JADE in which your concerns are "held in" for months (that is considered stonewalling) which in turn will build up contempt and resentment. 

[gypsyJedi]

Kelld76 and  saltydawg you hit the nail on the head. I think I’ve taken Jade to far and just capitulated. He doesn’t want me to socialize with friends so I don’t. He’s constantly criticizing and negative. I blew up when he asked, are you a lesbian are you looking for a woman. WTF. We were at a family reunion a few weeks ago.  Some one mentioned that I don’t smile much. Well I have to guard my emotions all the time and not be myself around him.

[kells76]

I think I’ve taken Jade to far and just capitulated. He doesn’t want me to socialize with friends so I don’t. He’s constantly criticizing and negative. I blew up when he asked, are you a lesbian are you looking for a woman. WTF. We were at a family reunion a few weeks ago.  Some one mentioned that I don’t smile much. Well I have to guard my emotions all the time and not be myself around him.

Maybe there are a couple of things going on at the same time. This is just me guessing, so correct me if I'm off base.

When he looks like he's about to "launch", you have some success now (that you didn't have before) because you are aware to avoid JADE-ing.

However, "not JADE-ing" isn't the same thing as being able to discuss how you feel. It's more that "not JADE-ing" is one tool, and there are many tools. It's a good tool for not throwing gas on the fire -- it can keep things calmer. Hopefully you've experienced that. But it isn't really a tool for "talking about how you feel" necessarily.

Like Salty Dawg mentioned, you may need to consider using some different skills to have the "this is how I was feeling" conversation.

And -- you know him best -- it may not work to have the "how I feel" conversation right after he comes down from winding up. So it's worth considering waiting a day or two after he "winds up/cools down" to test the waters and see if you can share your perspective with a SET statement, for example.

Some pwBPD may get overwhelmed/flooded by long conversations, lots of talking, statements that "come across as" blame (whether intended or not), and other aspects of what two people in a "generally normal" relationship might be able to handle.

You could think through a short, brief SET-type statement that focuses on you and your feelings and that lets out some of what you've held in.

It may take many briefer interactions, vs one big conversation, for you to have a chance to share your feelings. Kind of like -- he may not do well with a three hour "I need to let it all out" conversation in one day, but he may be able to hear you better if you "drop" 3-5 minute statements when he's at baseline, over the course of many days/weeks/months.

I haven't practiced much with SET (though I should!) so we can workshop this together.

S = support
E = empathy
T = truth

For the specific example of how he doesn't want you socializing, first you might not JADE if you sense him winding up. This can help keep a conflict from "catching on fire". Later on, you could think about using the SET framework to share what you plan to do:

Example of Support statement: "Babe, I care about you and I care about us."
Example of Empathy statement: "I can see how it might feel like I don't care, if I go and do something with a friend.
Example of Truth statement: "I'm getting together with Jane from 4-6 on Friday, and after that I'd love to do something with you."

For the more general idea of how it is hard for you to share how you feel, and it builds up inside, maybe something along these lines :

S: "I'm committed to you and our marriage."
E: "It would be difficult to feel like _____" (that one I'm having a harder time with -- trying to find something about "being in his shoes" you can empathize with)
T: "Even so, I need to share that I have felt _____"

Again, these can be challenging, and just like not JADE-ing isn't a Swiss army knife for every occasion, neither is SET -- but both have their places.

It could be worth looking into DEARMAN as another framework for finding a way to share some of the feelings that you've kept in.

The key connection to me seems to be that both of you want to stay married (did I get that right), and so some kind of "sharing feelings" needs to happen to meet your shared goal of "staying married".

Hard stuff -- especially finding the strength to have some outside hobbies, friends and interests, no matter his mood about it.

[SaltyDawg]

He doesn’t want me to socialize with friends so I don’t. He’s constantly criticizing and negative. I blew up when he asked, are you a lesbian are you looking for a woman. WTF. We were at a family reunion a few weeks ago.  Some one mentioned that I don’t smile much. Well I have to guard my emotions all the time and not be myself around him.

gypsy Jedi,

   Please reverse your stance on socializing with friends.  I made this mistake, and years later, I have very little emotional support network for navigating my pwBPD.  You lose your friends (by not socializing with them), who will you turn to if it gets worse?  It will get worse if you don't set firm boundaries with him and learn how to handle his episodes with minimal damage to you, to him, and your relationship.

   Being constantly critical and negative towards you is a form of emotional/psychological abuse.  Abuse should not be tolerated, no matter which type it is.

   Pretty much accusing you of being lesbian it the 9th symptom of paranoia when stressed in addition to being abusive.

   If you have a therapist, talk to them, if you don't please get one if you can.

   If you cannot see a therapist, I think you might want to consider talking to the person at the family reunion who told you that you don't smile too much.  They seem to be very empathic in making that observation.

   Also, take care of yourself with self-care, even if that means going out with your friends and socialize or anything else that fills your cup/spirit.  An individual therapist is good.  I do exercise, long hot showers, getting lost in a good movie/tv series/book works for me to.  Do you makes you feel good.

   Take care with self-care.

[once removed]

I blew up when he asked, are you a lesbian are you looking for a woman. WTF.

How do you not blow up at this sort of thing?

It can help to see it for what it is. He's trying, whether consciously or not, to push your buttons. Your reaction tells him it works. On some level, it's comforting to him.

Think about it: if I said such a thing to you, would you blow up? Probably not. I'm just some guy, saying something ridiculous.

Sometimes not JADEing means not giving our usual, defensive reaction.

[Cat Familiar]

Another tack I take when hearing criticism or complaints is to ask questions. I’ve got a pretty good poker face and I’ll ask something like: “What makes you think that?” Or “What about that is important to you?” Or “How did you come to believe that?” “When did that occur to you?” “Can you tell me more about why you think that?”

The important thing is to appear curious and neutral and interested in the answer. It won’t work if you’re already wound up, offended, hurt, defensive.

I liken it to playing tennis. You’ve just hit the ball back into his court.

Now you are asking him to respond and fill in details. Often this helps defuse the situation and gives the other person time to realize they’ve said something offensive or inappropriate.

If he continues on *the attack* then you can continue with asking for more information. Doing so buys you time so that your emotional state can remain calm.

Often when the other person realizes that you aren’t buying into their *game*, they drop it.

If practicing JADE is the way to handle the unprovoked outburst, how do you keep from blowing up after months from holding things in

 We are not saints. Anyone who has tolerated abuse for a long time is going to get to the point of losing emotional control at some point. Best not to let it get to that point.

You say you don’t socialize with friends or be yourself in his presence. What is the worst thing that could happen if you spent some time with friends? Or if you allowed yourself the freedom to be who you truly are around him?

These relationships ultimately don’t work well unless we have strong boundaries and can be true to ourselves, our values, our needs, our interests.

Have you read this article on boundaries?  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries