Knives and Trophys

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just started looking into this.  Been married for 10yrs and I never could put a name to the issue until now.
I started therapy two months ago because according to my uNDP/BPD partner, there must be something wrong with me as everything is my fault and I always do everything wrong.  Therapy has helped me understand that it's not necessarily me (though I'm not perfect by any means) and that my parter may have NDP/BPD.

I've come up with an analogy to explain her thought process.  In her brain are two particular rooms.  Room one has a large dresser with many drawers labelled with names, one for each person in her life (not friends, just family and loved ones).  This is where she stores her knives.  Each one is labelled with a date and a note on what that person did to offend her.  All of these offences have a kernel of truth but most have been elaborted on to make your offence as bad as possible.  Even if you apologize and make amends, the knife is never thrown away.  These knives are carefully stored so she can remember and access them anytime. She can pull it out and stab you with it, either just a little jab or a full on hurtful attack.  Room two is her trophy room.  Each trophy is something she was right about.  Again each is based on a kernel of truth but most have been elaborated on to make her seem as good and perfect as possible and you to be as useless, incompetent or stupid as possible.  She pulls these trophies out whenever she wants, often in social settings, to show everybody how great she is (and to at the same time make you feel as small as possible).

I've read through some posting on here and find that a lot of people have the same story as me.  I walk on eggshells at home every day.  I'm anxious at work as I hate going home not knowing if she's been stewing all day and just waiting for me.  If I have news that I know she won't like, then I'm extremely anxious.

That said, when she's not mad, she's great.  Kind, thoughtful, smart and successful. This is what friends and coworkers see everyday.  So now I'm always left thinking is it me?  Am I stupid, am I always wrong?  Everybody else tells me how great she is, so I must somehow be causing this. 

Right now we are into day 5 of a fight that never seems to end because of something that I said.  To me, it seems relatively minor, but I've apologized for it profusely.  She just won't accept it and then starts throwing all of the knives from the last 10 yrs at me over and over. Each day it just starts again. 

I don't know how much more I can take.  I hate the idea of leaving her, partly because I know she'll make it as painful as possible on me.  But I've reached the end of my rope.

[Always_wrong]

I just started looking into this.  Been married for 10yrs and I never could put a name to the issue until now.
I started therapy two months ago because according to my uNDP/BPD partner, there must be something wrong with me as everything is my fault and I always do everything wrong.  Therapy has helped me understand that it's not necessarily me (though I'm not perfect by any means) and that my parter may have NDP/BPD.

I've come up with an analogy to explain her thought process.  In her brain are two particular rooms.  Room one has a large dresser with many drawers labelled with names, one for each person in her life (not friends, just family and loved ones).  This is where she stores her knives.  Each one is labelled with a date and a note on what that person did to offend her.  All of these offences have a kernel of truth but most have been elaborted on to make your offence as bad as possible.  Even if you apologize and make amends, the knife is never thrown away.  These knives are carefully stored so she can remember and access them anytime. She can pull it out and stab you with it, either just a little jab or a full on hurtful attack.  Room two is her trophy room.  Each trophy is something she was right about.  Again each is based on a kernel of truth but most have been elaborated on to make her seem as good and perfect as possible and you to be as useless, incompetent or stupid as possible.  She pulls these trophies out whenever she wants, often in social settings, to show everybody how great she is (and to at the same time make you feel as small as possible).

I've read through some posting on here and find that a lot of people have the same story as me.  I walk on eggshells at home every day.  I'm anxious at work as I hate going home not knowing if she's been stewing all day and just waiting for me.  If I have news that I know she won't like, then I'm extremely anxious.

That said, when she's not mad, she's great.  Kind, thoughtful, smart and successful. This is what friends and coworkers see everyday.  So now I'm always left thinking is it me?  Am I stupid, am I always wrong?  Everybody else tells me how great she is, so I must somehow be causing this. 

Right now we are into day 5 of a fight that never seems to end because of something that I said.  To me, it seems relatively minor, but I've apologized for it profusely.  She just won't accept it and then starts throwing all of the knives from the last 10 yrs at me over and over. Each day it just starts again. 

I don't know how much more I can take.  I hate the idea of leaving her, partly because I know she'll make it as painful as possible on me.  But I've reached the end of my rope.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FarDrop77]

My wife seems to have the knives but instead of trophies it's like a collection of misfortunes.  Just anything that happened to her that she could bring out to get the sympathy of others.

[usagi]

I'm really sorry to hear about your troubles...

I have to say I feel like I was in your shoes many months ago.  My pwBPD and I had gotten into yet another big fight over what I felt was something pretty minor.  I found a new therapist that clued me into the diagnosis of BPD and it has been a game changer.  She is undiagnosed but I am slowly finding that the recommendations from "Walking on Eggshells" and this website have been very helpful.

I too am always blamed for everything.  She often gets upset with me when I can't find her cell phone, which she misplaces constantly.  All sorts of minor issues like that that I get blamed for.  She doesn't take accountability for any of her actions.

But most of the time she's extremely pleasant to be around.

The JADE approach seems helpful for me.  Do not Judge, Argue, Defend, or Explain.  There are lots of folks on here who have recommended that.

I've come to understand that she really lives in her own world as far as her interpretation of events.  I don't try to convince her that she's wrong but state what I know as truth just once then let it go.  I think the biggest help for me also was to realize that I'm not the one who's constantly "messing up."  This is based on her view of reality.

Try reading "Walking on Eggshells" by Mason and Kreger.  Lots of good resources and support on this site.

It can get better and you have a role to play in that even if it doesn't feel like it.

[Jabberwocky]

I share your experience.  I am far from perfect as well, but it seems that the punishment for my mistakes always outweighs the crime.