Is this breakup (again) real?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

I've recently broke up with my BPD partner of 7 years for the umpteenth time, this time it feels real but I don't know. I'm so confused but ultimatley tired of fighting and trying to reason. To compromise. My partner won't get a proper diagnosis and although she has been on a short DBT course, continues to self medicate with alcohol most evenings, which triggers her BPD, and for me as an alcoholic in recovery, is challenging and also quite dangerous. I can't continue to stay in the relationship unless she takes action and starts to get help as I have done. She has agreed this time to split amicably, but I fear this is not real as it's happened so many times before and she will continue to disregard personal boundaries and keep contacting me even if I block her. So much damage and pain in the past and i've become somebody I never thought I would i.e co-dependent and I've lost myself somewhere.

I want to be free and I want her to get well.

Any advice welcome

[gezster]

Hi

I've recently broke up with my BPD partner of 7 years for the umpteenth time, this time it feels real but I don't know. I'm so confused but ultimatley tired of fighting and trying to reason. To compromise. My partner won't get a proper diagnosis and although she has been on a short DBT course, continues to self medicate with alcohol most evenings, which triggers her BPD, and for me as an alcoholic in recovery, is challenging and also quite dangerous. I can't continue to stay in the relationship unless she takes action and starts to get help as I have done. She has agreed this time to split amicably, but I fear this is not real as it's happened so many times before and she will continue to disregard personal boundaries and keep contacting me even if I block her. So much damage and pain in the past and i've become somebody I never thought I would i.e co-dependent and I've lost myself somewhere.

I want to be free and I want her to get well.

Any advice welcome

[SaltyDawg]

gezster,

Welcome to the forums, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.  It sounds like you know exactly what you want...

"I want to be free and I want her to get well."

You are in control of being free.  Follow your own advice and block her everywhere you can.  Do not answer phone calls, etc.  If she does manage to be in-person, maintain your boundary that you want to end the relationship.

With regards to her getting well, that is entirely up to her, you cannot fix her.  However, it sounds like she has some idea as to what is going on - if you must talk to her, limit your engagement and encourage her to follow her DBT therapy.

Since you are a recovering alcoholic, I am guessing that you are familiar with AA, a 12-step program.  There is also another 12-step program for codependents at CODA.org.

"Any advice welcome"

A good book to help you understand the dynamic, and to manage it is:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life
 by Margalis Fjelstad

Any other questions, please ask. 

I envy your position, even though it hurts like he11 right now.  I am 2+ decades in with two children, and cannot get out, you are dodging a bullet, just read the stories of others here...

[gezster]

Thanks Dawg!

Great advice and thanks for the book recommendations

[SaltyDawg]

You're welcome. 

Have any questions?

If not, one more piece of advice, make sure you do self-care through this.  Fill you cup, whatever that might look like for you.  Exercise, journaling, therapy, long showers/baths, getting lost in a movie/book/tv-series, etc.

Take care with self-care.