Ran into my Ex's exH at the Gym Last Weekend

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

In 2013, the mother of our children (then 1 and 3), left me for a bouncer she met while out clubbing. I was 41, she was 31 and he was 21. She married him a little over a year later, but upon co-habitating, the cracks started. She told me. That was 9 to 10 years ago.

It took over 3 more years where she finally divorced him. Cops, him being arrested for resisting arrest, mutual DV (more her), crying calls to me that she should have never left me before that. I was on the verge of reporting her for exposing the kids to DV. The Kaiser therapists let her off (not sure they'd dine that if it were me). The DV advice and protocol here helped me help her.

She kicked him out but still kept a relationship until she was tired of it and divorced... maybe 5 years ago now, it's hard to keep track of the passage of time.

We signed the kids up for swimming lessons. My ex left to go cross country to do a 5 day residential ashram yoga meditation retreat. She returns tomorrow. I had to take last Thursday and Friday, and part of Wednesday off to take care of sick D11. I'm thankful my new job allows me to do more WFH.

At the pool Saturday I was reading my tablet by the hot tub as the kids did their lessons. The guy gets out of the hot tub, "Turkish! I thought that was you?" Hand shakes. I told him that the kids were in lessons. He'sstill young, but gained weight from his former football jock physique... but I'm not one to talk.  We talked for 5 mins, he missed the kids. D11 was showering off. Neither kid saw him. We wished each other well, but I also told him that if I'd told him in the beginning how she was, he wouldn't have believed me. Yes, it was a bit of a jab. He wished me well and went to the showers.

I told the kids he was here and asked if they wanted to see their former step dad. D11 was ambivalent, but S13 said yes. I walked into the showers and yelled out asking if he were still there. He responded and I said that the kids wanted to say hi and we'd wait. He came out in less than 10 minutes.

D11 was still a little ambivalent. Her mom said a bunch of nasty stuff about him,  step-parent alienation (and while they were still married!). Despite how it started, he was nothing but good to our kids. I could tell he was emotionsl. He hugged each of us and left and said he was always praying for us. I tamped down my usual snark, "especially pray for your exW, and that she doesn't return from the Ashram a pod-person."

S13 told me on the way out that divorces with kids and step parents were really unfair to the children. Bless him, a really smart dude! D11 said, "we'd shouldn't tell mommy that we saw him." *sigh* in told them that they could of they wanted to because that's how they felt. S13's comment made me sad though. I'm many years past hating the dude, and to tell the truth, it was good to see him. We live in a city of about 1M people, but it's not out of the ordinary to run into people you know.

I told one of my friends who replied that it must have been awkward. Not for me at all though it was for him,  and I felt sympathy. I guess that's healing, and thanks to all who helped me here, most having moved on, but a few remaining.

[Turkish]

In 2013, the mother of our children (then 1 and 3), left me for a bouncer she met while out clubbing. I was 41, she was 31 and he was 21. She married him a little over a year later, but upon co-habitating, the cracks started. She told me. That was 9 to 10 years ago.

It took over 3 more years where she finally divorced him. Cops, him being arrested for resisting arrest, mutual DV (more her), crying calls to me that she should have never left me before that. I was on the verge of reporting her for exposing the kids to DV. The Kaiser therapists let her off (not sure they'd dine that if it were me). The DV advice and protocol here helped me help her.

She kicked him out but still kept a relationship until she was tired of it and divorced... maybe 5 years ago now, it's hard to keep track of the passage of time.

We signed the kids up for swimming lessons. My ex left to go cross country to do a 5 day residential ashram yoga meditation retreat. She returns tomorrow. I had to take last Thursday and Friday, and part of Wednesday off to take care of sick D11. I'm thankful my new job allows me to do more WFH.

At the pool Saturday I was reading my tablet by the hot tub as the kids did their lessons. The guy gets out of the hot tub, "Turkish! I thought that was you?" Hand shakes. I told him that the kids were in lessons. He'sstill young, but gained weight from his former football jock physique... but I'm not one to talk.  We talked for 5 mins, he missed the kids. D11 was showering off. Neither kid saw him. We wished each other well, but I also told him that if I'd told him in the beginning how she was, he wouldn't have believed me. Yes, it was a bit of a jab. He wished me well and went to the showers.

I told the kids he was here and asked if they wanted to see their former step dad. D11 was ambivalent, but S13 said yes. I walked into the showers and yelled out asking if he were still there. He responded and I said that the kids wanted to say hi and we'd wait. He came out in less than 10 minutes.

D11 was still a little ambivalent. Her mom said a bunch of nasty stuff about him,  step-parent alienation (and while they were still married!). Despite how it started, he was nothing but good to our kids. I could tell he was emotionsl. He hugged each of us and left and said he was always praying for us. I tamped down my usual snark, "especially pray for your exW, and that she doesn't return from the Ashram a pod-person."

S13 told me on the way out that divorces with kids and step parents were really unfair to the children. Bless him, a really smart dude! D11 said, "we'd shouldn't tell mommy that we saw him." *sigh* in told them that they could of they wanted to because that's how they felt. S13's comment made me sad though. I'm many years past hating the dude, and to tell the truth, it was good to see him. We live in a city of about 1M people, but it's not out of the ordinary to run into people you know.

I told one of my friends who replied that it must have been awkward. Not for me at all though it was for him,  and I felt sympathy. I guess that's healing, and thanks to all who helped me here, most having moved on, but a few remaining.

[kells76]

That sounds bittersweet.

My H still talks about his first stepdad (his mom was married to H's dad, then stepdad #1, now stepdad #2). It's been >30 years later but H appreciates what Stepdad 1 did for him even in just the couple of years they were a family. Apparently Stepdad #1 had some connections in the music industry so H just bought a CD that he produced and has been listening to it.

I don't doubt that there was volatility between H's mom and first stepdad at the time -- after all, it didn't last. The positive stuff really stuck with H though.

Have your kids said much more about it?

[Turkish]

They haven't said more, and I'm not going to ask. Mommy is taking Halloween from  me tomorrow, despite having it last year and we're supposed to switch. Maybe it's me being weak... D11 misses her.  S13 could care less. There's always next year.

[SaltyDawg]

They haven't said more, and I'm not going to ask. Mommy is taking Halloween from  me tomorrow, despite having it last year and we're supposed to switch. Maybe it's me being weak... D11 misses her.  S13 could care less. There's always next year.

Your children are only children once, you will never get that time back, especially as they grow to be older teens.  Document this along with any other shenanigans that she does...

[JoeBPD81]

I'm impressed by how you managed that and how you talk about it.

Even though you moved on, you feel for the kids who can't process everything that happened. It probably did them a lot of good to see you don't hate the guy.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Turkish-

I think this warm interaction may leave a a very positive lasting impression on your dear children.  They were able to witness two men who love them put aside whatever differences they may have had solely for the benefit of the kids.  With a disordered mother, my guess is they don’t often get to see this type of thing.  Well done.

Warmly,
Gems

[Notwendy]

Hi Turkish-

I think this warm interaction may leave a a very positive lasting impression on your dear children.  They were able to witness two men who love them put aside whatever differences they may have had solely for the benefit of the kids.  With a disordered mother, my guess is they don’t often get to see this type of thing.  Well done.

Warmly,
Gems

I was thinking the same thing. It's good that they have had positive interactions with adults who care for them.

[SinisterComplex]

Well done Big Bro! You handled that interaction like a pro. Kudos to you for being an exemplary Dad and role model.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

In 2013, the mother of our children (then 1 and 3), left me for a bouncer she met while out clubbing. I was 41, she was 31 and he was 21. She married him a little over a year later, but upon co-habitating, the cracks started. She told me. That was 9 to 10 years ago.

It took over 3 more years where she finally divorced him. Cops, him being arrested for resisting arrest, mutual DV (more her), crying calls to me that she should have never left me before that. I was on the verge of reporting her for exposing the kids to DV. The Kaiser therapists let her off (not sure they'd dine that if it were me). The DV advice and protocol here helped me help her.

She kicked him out but still kept a relationship until she was tired of it and divorced... maybe 5 years ago now, it's hard to keep track of the passage of time.

We signed the kids up for swimming lessons. My ex left to go cross country to do a 5 day residential ashram yoga meditation retreat. She returns tomorrow. I had to take last Thursday and Friday, and part of Wednesday off to take care of sick D11. I'm thankful my new job allows me to do more WFH.

At the pool Saturday I was reading my tablet by the hot tub as the kids did their lessons. The guy gets out of the hot tub, "Turkish! I thought that was you?" Hand shakes. I told him that the kids were in lessons. He'sstill young, but gained weight from his former football jock physique... but I'm not one to talk.  We talked for 5 mins, he missed the kids. D11 was showering off. Neither kid saw him. We wished each other well, but I also told him that if I'd told him in the beginning how she was, he wouldn't have believed me. Yes, it was a bit of a jab. He wished me well and went to the showers.

I told the kids he was here and asked if they wanted to see their former step dad. D11 was ambivalent, but S13 said yes. I walked into the showers and yelled out asking if he were still there. He responded and I said that the kids wanted to say hi and we'd wait. He came out in less than 10 minutes.

D11 was still a little ambivalent. Her mom said a bunch of nasty stuff about him,  step-parent alienation (and while they were still married!). Despite how it started, he was nothing but good to our kids. I could tell he was emotionsl. He hugged each of us and left and said he was always praying for us. I tamped down my usual snark, "especially pray for your exW, and that she doesn't return from the Ashram a pod-person."

S13 told me on the way out that divorces with kids and step parents were really unfair to the children. Bless him, a really smart dude! D11 said, "we'd shouldn't tell mommy that we saw him." *sigh* in told them that they could of they wanted to because that's how they felt. S13's comment made me sad though. I'm many years past hating the dude, and to tell the truth, it was good to see him. We live in a city of about 1M people, but it's not out of the ordinary to run into people you know.

I told one of my friends who replied that it must have been awkward. Not for me at all though it was for him,  and I felt sympathy. I guess that's healing, and thanks to all who helped me here, most having moved on, but a few remaining.

Really impressive and shows the heart of a good man who thinks about the children, and even in kind to the ex of your ex. Good for everybody to see this.

[Turkish]

I saw her yesterday after she returned from the Ashram cross-country. I was so tempted to tell her, "hey, we saw [exh] at swimming last weekend!" But didn't. The kids have only 2 more lessons. I hope the dude doesn't show up again to try to see them, but que Sera Sera. I only saw her since D11 called me to pick her up early and I live near the school, so no problem and I can do afternoon WFH if needed.

No matter how conflictual their marriage was, and he wasn't a Saint either, I thought it the right thing to do to let him see the kids, and of course I asked them. I never asked, but I'd bet there wasn't a proper goodbye. If I were in her shoes, I'm not sure how I would have handled that either. Yet to this day, D11 parrots the bad things she said about him to the kids. Step parent aIienation

[Pook075]

I saw her yesterday after she returned from the Ashram cross-country. I was so tempted to tell her, "hey, we saw [exh] at swimming last weekend!" But didn't. The kids have only 2 more lessons. I hope the dude doesn't show up again to try to see them, but que Sera Sera. I only saw her since D11 called me to pick her up early and I live near the school, so no problem and I can do afternoon WFH if needed.

No matter how conflictual their marriage was, and he wasn't a Saint either, I thought it the right thing to do to let him see the kids, and of course I asked them. I never asked, but I'd bet there wasn't a proper goodbye. If I were in her shoes, I'm not sure how I would have handled that either. Yet to this day, D11 parrots the bad things she said about him to the kids. Step parent aIienation

This is something I struggle with as well.  While the relationship may be over, there's all the other drama in dealing with in-laws, co parenting, etc. where we never know what we may be accused of.  My 21 year old daughter still has so much anger towards me based on what my wife told her after we separated (while she was manic and disassociated for weeks on end).  I don't know how to fix any of that because it's all fantasy and my kid can't accept that; she doesn't even believe that her mom is mentally ill.

I brought that up to say this- it's probably a bad move to judge anyone based on what a BPD person says.  I try not to get sucked into that mindset but it happens all the time anyway, and I'm just starting to realize that it will be a lifelong problem.

[EyesUp]

I guess that's healing, and thanks to all who helped me here, most having moved on, but a few remaining.

No need to guess - that's it. 

Likely some fortitude in the mix that was there all along, too.