Imaginary Monster: from sweetness to restraining order

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  "Exasperated" is the word I use. I began dating an amazing, authentic, emotionally open woman with whom I felt deeply in love. I will call her Jennifer. Our relationship lasted for well over a year, but became more challenging as each month passed. We have enjoyed the most amazing moments of my life, sharing so many common interests as best friends. We consistently expressed the shared desire to be together forever. We dreamed of living as life partners, being married, and building a new and simple life together. We delighted in every outdoor adventure and longed to spend each day sharing more. We were deeply passionate and romantic, physically and emotionally. We simply loved talking, sharing, and spending every moment together... except for the explosive blowups.

After a few months, I gradually began seeing signs of irrational jealousy, suspicion, and lack of trust. Jennifer had an automatic tendency to distrust. Her first reaction seemed to be doubting me and not believing me, even though there was no evidence to indicate I was lying to her. From jealousy and mistrust, I began seeing signs of her severe emotional instability, as she would quickly explode in rage over what I thought were minor disagreements. This included total screaming at me in the car, me getting out and her stopping the car and yelling and crying in the middle of the intersection in full public view. This included screaming cries in the middle of public parks, when I had to walk away. This included almost daily phone calls of her falsely accusing me and screaming at me where I had to hang up.

I began to understand her backstory: 5 other failed relationships with other men, as well as the childhood loss of her mother at age 14. She was deeply personal with me, sharing the most intimate parts of her life story, but she was also torn between her deep love and attachment to me, and also her fear feeling in danger of being manipulated and abandoned. I witnessed her constant need for reassurance and I would do all I could to reassure her, calm her, and try to convince her that my love was genuine. She would tell me that her greatest fear was growing old without me.

To complicate things even further, I am a married man with three adult children. My marriage had been dead for many years before I began this new relationship, but I felt I still needed to have regard for the needs of my children and attempt to transition out of my marriage through very complex circumstances. I took painstaking steps to do this, but it never seemed enough, or fast enough. Our relationship was in secret. I was very limited in what I saw and knew of Jennifer's social life. She had little view of my personal life. Due to this secrecy, neither of us had outside social feedback. Jennifer was fixated with my "wife" and almost daily accused me of having a backup plan, being romantic with my wife, or never really intending to be with Jennifer. This fixation led to daily arguments where she would turn from sweetness to total rage.

Everything began to take a severe turn when she made a comment to me that she saw another man who was having an affair and he was acting as a con artist. Jennifer said this man was secretly telling the woman that he was intending to be with her, but on social media, it was clear he was still romantic with his wife. Though there was no evidence of this in my case, Jennifer began being consumed by this fear that I was conning and manipulating her. No matter how much I tried to convince her to the contrary, she seemed tormented between her desire for me and her fear of being manipulated. This led to constant false accusations that I seemingly could never overcome.

After about 8 months in, on one of Jennifer's blow up, she hung up the phone on me and called my wife. This blew everything up. After all the fall out, I told Jennifer that this put me in a horrible position. Jennifer admitted that she betrayed me and said she would have to "take it to her grave" knowing that she had ruined us. I told her I forgave her and that I still wanted to be with her. I truly did! I said she would have be patient and rebuild trust. I became guarded, not knowing what she would do next. After her continual reassurance that I could trust her and that she would never do anything like that again, a month later she blew up at me and called my wife again! I was certain our relationship was over and that Jennifer no longer wanted to be with me. Clearly! So, I returned a bunch of gifts to her house and left them in the driveway. She called the police...

After all that fallout, I was still in very guarded communication with her. She said she lost control and still wanted to be with me. After telling me the day before that she wanted to wait for me, to be with me forever... We had another argument, she exploded in rage. I went to her house to visit her and try to smooth over the misunderstanding, yet again... She called the police, filed trespassing charges against me, and petitioned for an emergency order of protection using all types of false and wild accusations. Multiple police visits, court appearances, and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees later, we are done.

It was only after this that I began to find resources by having a conversation with ChatGPT. I asked about emotional instability, explosive rage, suspicions, fear of abandonment. ChatGPT told me about BPD. I was stunned. Now things began to make sense. After reading many general articles, I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Splitting"... game changers for me. Jennifer exhibits many of these tendencies, yet she is also high functioning and somewhat self aware. I suspect she may even know she is BPD, or exhibits similar tendencies.

In summary... I see Jennifer as two persons. One is deeply and madly in love with me and I am with her. She desperately misses me and is heartbroken that we are not together. She even rides her bike by my house to just get a glimpse. The second, she convinces herself that I am a manipulating monster who never really love her. She refuses to own her actions and the consequences of them. She blames me for the break down of our relationship. I feel in love with the sweet Jennifer, but I am terrified of the second.

Why do I still feel so emotionally attached to Jennifer? Am I insane for still feeling in love with her and secretly hoping that she will "come to her senses"? Everything in my rational self is convinced she could never bear the guilt for how she has treated me. Everything in my rational self says she cannot have true empathy, she cannot trust me, and I can never trust her again. However, I know she still longs for her best friend and soul mate.

I so deeply miss my best friend and soul mate! Yet I am terrified of what she would do next.

Jennifer's Imaginary Monster

[SOS Solo]

  "Exasperated" is the word I use. I began dating an amazing, authentic, emotionally open woman with whom I felt deeply in love. I will call her Jennifer. Our relationship lasted for well over a year, but became more challenging as each month passed. We have enjoyed the most amazing moments of my life, sharing so many common interests as best friends. We consistently expressed the shared desire to be together forever. We dreamed of living as life partners, being married, and building a new and simple life together. We delighted in every outdoor adventure and longed to spend each day sharing more. We were deeply passionate and romantic, physically and emotionally. We simply loved talking, sharing, and spending every moment together... except for the explosive blowups.

After a few months, I gradually began seeing signs of irrational jealousy, suspicion, and lack of trust. Jennifer had an automatic tendency to distrust. Her first reaction seemed to be doubting me and not believing me, even though there was no evidence to indicate I was lying to her. From jealousy and mistrust, I began seeing signs of her severe emotional instability, as she would quickly explode in rage over what I thought were minor disagreements. This included total screaming at me in the car, me getting out and her stopping the car and yelling and crying in the middle of the intersection in full public view. This included screaming cries in the middle of public parks, when I had to walk away. This included almost daily phone calls of her falsely accusing me and screaming at me where I had to hang up.

I began to understand her backstory: 5 other failed relationships with other men, as well as the childhood loss of her mother at age 14. She was deeply personal with me, sharing the most intimate parts of her life story, but she was also torn between her deep love and attachment to me, and also her fear feeling in danger of being manipulated and abandoned. I witnessed her constant need for reassurance and I would do all I could to reassure her, calm her, and try to convince her that my love was genuine. She would tell me that her greatest fear was growing old without me.

To complicate things even further, I am a married man with three adult children. My marriage had been dead for many years before I began this new relationship, but I felt I still needed to have regard for the needs of my children and attempt to transition out of my marriage through very complex circumstances. I took painstaking steps to do this, but it never seemed enough, or fast enough. Our relationship was in secret. I was very limited in what I saw and knew of Jennifer's social life. She had little view of my personal life. Due to this secrecy, neither of us had outside social feedback. Jennifer was fixated with my "wife" and almost daily accused me of having a backup plan, being romantic with my wife, or never really intending to be with Jennifer. This fixation led to daily arguments where she would turn from sweetness to total rage.

Everything began to take a severe turn when she made a comment to me that she saw another man who was having an affair and he was acting as a con artist. Jennifer said this man was secretly telling the woman that he was intending to be with her, but on social media, it was clear he was still romantic with his wife. Though there was no evidence of this in my case, Jennifer began being consumed by this fear that I was conning and manipulating her. No matter how much I tried to convince her to the contrary, she seemed tormented between her desire for me and her fear of being manipulated. This led to constant false accusations that I seemingly could never overcome.

After about 8 months in, on one of Jennifer's blow up, she hung up the phone on me and called my wife. This blew everything up. After all the fall out, I told Jennifer that this put me in a horrible position. Jennifer admitted that she betrayed me and said she would have to "take it to her grave" knowing that she had ruined us. I told her I forgave her and that I still wanted to be with her. I truly did! I said she would have be patient and rebuild trust. I became guarded, not knowing what she would do next. After her continual reassurance that I could trust her and that she would never do anything like that again, a month later she blew up at me and called my wife again! I was certain our relationship was over and that Jennifer no longer wanted to be with me. Clearly! So, I returned a bunch of gifts to her house and left them in the driveway. She called the police...

After all that fallout, I was still in very guarded communication with her. She said she lost control and still wanted to be with me. After telling me the day before that she wanted to wait for me, to be with me forever... We had another argument, she exploded in rage. I went to her house to visit her and try to smooth over the misunderstanding, yet again... She called the police, filed trespassing charges against me, and petitioned for an emergency order of protection using all types of false and wild accusations. Multiple police visits, court appearances, and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees later, we are done.

It was only after this that I began to find resources by having a conversation with ChatGPT. I asked about emotional instability, explosive rage, suspicions, fear of abandonment. ChatGPT told me about BPD. I was stunned. Now things began to make sense. After reading many general articles, I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Splitting"... game changers for me. Jennifer exhibits many of these tendencies, yet she is also high functioning and somewhat self aware. I suspect she may even know she is BPD, or exhibits similar tendencies.

In summary... I see Jennifer as two persons. One is deeply and madly in love with me and I am with her. She desperately misses me and is heartbroken that we are not together. She even rides her bike by my house to just get a glimpse. The second, she convinces herself that I am a manipulating monster who never really love her. She refuses to own her actions and the consequences of them. She blames me for the break down of our relationship. I feel in love with the sweet Jennifer, but I am terrified of the second.

Why do I still feel so emotionally attached to Jennifer? Am I insane for still feeling in love with her and secretly hoping that she will "come to her senses"? Everything in my rational self is convinced she could never bear the guilt for how she has treated me. Everything in my rational self says she cannot have true empathy, she cannot trust me, and I can never trust her again. However, I know she still longs for her best friend and soul mate.

I so deeply miss my best friend and soul mate! Yet I am terrified of what she would do next.

Jennifer's Imaginary Monster

[alterK]

Welcome to the forum, SOS! You are in a very painful situation, and if you look around these discussion groups you will find many others, men and women, who have suffered similarly. Including myself. If you have read the books, you will know that you are a victim of splitting, involved with someone who is unable to see others as they are--part good, part bad--and can only see people as either wonderful, or hopelessly evil.

When you are their knight on a white horse, they are super-attractive, praising you, enthusiastic about sex, planning your marvelous future together. When you fall of the horse--and this can be triggered by events that seem to you trivial, but to them are monumental--you are a poisonous person, to be avoided at all costs, who deserves every betrayal. This is painful for you, and them, and I think you are picking up on her pain and this keeps you more involved with her than you would be otherwise.

You cannot get "Jennifer" to change. You don't mention it in your post, but if you're not there yet, you need to get your rear end into therapy. The only person you can work on is yourself. That isn't always easy, but at least it's possible. Might even help you clarify what you want to do with your marriage. You are in a tough position, but others have been there and have found ways to make their lives better. You can too.

[SOS Solo]

Hi AlterK,

Thank you for the welcome and for taking the time to hear my story and reply with kindness and support. Though I have read the books, getting direct feedback is reassuring. I also began therapy right away after the power of the state was irrationally used against me.

Walking through this process has been like a mirror reflecting back upon my own mental health issues. At first, I was deeply confused by my BP's splitting. I had never encountered a human relationship where someone believed two opposing things to be true simultaneously. I was loved, then hated. "I hate you, don't leave me". I didn't know anything about BPD or splitting. She would tell me that she was just "expressing her emotions" in all the verbal abuse. She said she was terrified of losing me and that everyone had left her. She would completely tear me to shreds and then come back begging with such heartfelt brokenness and tears, pleading with me to accept her and be more understanding of what she was going through. She would also tell me that it was my marriage that caused this emotional distress in her and that everything would be different once I was out of my marriage.

Not only did I fall for the victim persona, but I also realized I felt emotionally blackmailed. (Though I don't think she did those things intentionally, but as part of her own means of coping). At times, she threatened to call my wife, and once said I should be "shaking in my boots". When I called her out, she either denied it or just said she was saying things she didn't mean because she was afraid of being abandoned. Again, I thought she was just "expressing her emotions".

I am so appreciative of this site, as the real-world stories and perspectives are helping me heal and find clarity. I think this is already central to my recovery from some of my own self-diagnosed co-dependent tendencies.

Here is what I am doing now:

1) I am in therapy, but I am not confident I have sufficient feedback for this particular issue. Is there a specific type of therapy people find helpful?

2) I have been pursuing absolute NC (avoiding any physical, communication, and ruminating/ longing/ hoping), but the first two months were emotional torture. I so deeply missed and desired the "good us". Being confident that such a future is a mere fantasy is helping me find freedom and move on with my life. I believe it is key to remember that the abusive actions are just as true about the relationship as the good times.

3) I am trying to sort out my desire for my marriage, but I feel so emotionally foggy that making any major decision there is on pause for now.

Any other practical feedback would be helpful.

Thank you, again!

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SOS -

I am deeply sorry for the pain and confusion you’re experiencing.  If you’re questioning the quality of your therapy, maybe you’re not raising the proper questions with your therapist?  Or maybe this particular therapist is not a good fit for you; and if not, find another person with whom you can be your most honest.

Absolutely no judgment here, please know this… when you entered the relationship with “Jennifer”, you were married and still are married.  And now that Jennifer has “discarded” you, for lack of a better word, you have paused the end of your marriage.  Have you truly asked yourself “why?”  What was it that really motivated you to look outside your marriage to find fulfillment and happiness?  In my ignorant opinion, this may be where your initial therapy could help you; and then a bit later focus on the exact why’s of Jennifer.  The pieces of your broken heart seem to have already been there.  I’m so sorry.

For pwBPD (people with BPD) thick layers of distrust and fear seem to pave the path of every step they take, every interaction they have.  So with a third person (your wife) being *involved* in your relationship with Jennifer from the jump, that distrust was multiplied.  There may also have been undercurrents of *what someone does FOR me he will also do TO me*, i.e., if he leaves his wife for me, he will leave me for another.  You see?  A decision to leave your marriage independent of Jennifer would be *better* (perhaps?) if you were to re-engage in the future.  And I can almost guarantee she is somehow watching.

To Jennifer, the explanations and reasons for your delays in exiting your marriage didn’t matter.  Those words would never matter to her.  And Jennifer, ALL of Jennifer, are who she is.  If there is anything you CAN believe, that is it.  At least that was my experience in 25.5 years in relationships with disordered partners.  Both relationships ended while I still loved them, as most of the relationships on these boards do.

Please take care of yourself and keep posting.  I promise putting your thoughts down will help.  They don’t need to be concise or in any order.  No one expects that.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[SOS Solo]

For pwBPD (people with BPD) thick layers of distrust and fear seem to pave the path of every step they take, every interaction they have.  So with a third person (your wife) being *involved* in your relationship with Jennifer from the jump, that distrust was multiplied.  There may also have been undercurrents of *what someone does FOR me he will also do TO me*, i.e., if he leaves his wife for me, he will leave me for another.  You see?  A decision to leave your marriage independent of Jennifer would be *better* (perhaps?) if you were to re-engage in the future.  And I can almost guarantee she is somehow watching.

Hi Gems, and thank you for your insightful comments and warm concern for the long-standing issues regarding the lack of fulfillment in my marriage. I have given much thought to some of your concerns and I will ponder them again.

At present, I am interested in your comment about me being unmarried, and pondering whether or not that circumstance would have dramatically impacted my relationship with Jennifer. That question has haunted me for much of the relationship. I have wondered if I had left my wife immediately, would my relationship with Jennifer have worked?

To this point, I have remained very confused. In the beginning, Jennifer claimed that my marriage was not a problem and that she would wait for me as long as it took. She said she cared about the needs of my children and other logistical concerns I had to navigate. Yet, Jennifer also often claimed that if I was unmarried, everything would have been different. However, I can't help but think that Jennifer was still filled with irrational jealousy, routinely imagined the worst as being true, emotionally blackmailed me, and eventually used the power of the state to seemingly punish me.

Do you think if I was unmarried, any of that would drastically change?

Do you think if I become unmarried, a future re-engagement with Jennifer could be possible?

When you say she is watching, I believe that too. However, she seems to have made it clear that she now hates me and will never trust me. She says I am a gaslighting fool (seemingly because I wouldn't believe her mischaracterizations). She believed I was lying to her and manipulating her. Do you think she could have any genuine expectation of me returning to her?

Or, do you think that the present breakdown was inevitable, as most relationships on these boards end while the non-BPD partner still loved them fiercely, as I still love Jennifer?

Any insights or clarification here would be helpful.

Thank you kindly.

SOS

[Gemsforeyes]

Oh SOS - I have so much to say to you.  You are one of those people I wish I could just pick up the phone and say, “okay, please start at the beginning…”.  But sadly, Anonymous boards don’t work that way.

I have a few questions first.  Since you have adult children, is it correct to assume they are also the children of your wife?  Are your kids living in the family home, in university, a bit of detail about the level of support they require?

What is your approximate age and what is Jennifer’s age?  This question has a bit to do with *expectations* (hers) at least in my mind.

Does Jennifer have children of her own or has she ever been a stepmom?  If yes, how are those relationships?

I believe you said that J had 5 failed relationships.   What does that (failed) mean?  Was one of them perhaps with the married “conman” she was referring to in her story?

I apologize but I seemed to have missed the intensity of the restraining order.  My G-D, that’s awful.  However, here’s a thought that struck me - this woman is so “fearful” that she’s riding her bicycle by your home?  Isn’t she violating the RO she had filed?  Please use caution and make sure you move inside if you happen to see her approaching.  That’s a dangerous game she’s playing.  In my ignorant opinion:  1. she’s doing this to test whether you still live in the family home.  2.  She’s testing to see what you’ll do if you see her (being so close to your wife). 3. Disordered people test and push limits constantly.

Although it doesn’t seem like it from my questions, I believe this whole thing is way more about you than Jennifer.  I’m saying this because I only have myself and my relationships as a real comparison. 

A little story:  my 19-year marriage ended in February 2011, the night my exH threw me across the room and into a door.  He had never before lifted a finger against me.  His abuse had always been way more subtle than that.   I think (?) he did it because I mentioned the word “separating” and that would upend his cushy life.  I was terrified, ran to the phone and dialed 911; but hung up when he came after me yelling “you better NOT be calling the cops!”.  The call went through anyway and they showed up.  He normally had an issue with the truth, but that night he told the truth about what he did.  I lied to protect him.  They arrested him and charged him with felony domestic assault.

2.5 years later (post-divorce), I met my now exuNPD/BPDbf.  I spent 6.5 years with him.  I didn’t speak much of my marriage, but he did know what happened the last night.  When exBF would RAGE at me, he would threaten to “fly exH here and find out what REALLY happened”.  That killed me… One summer exBF and I were visiting where I lived back then, and he was speaking with some very close friends of mine (and formerly exH’s).  He apparently asked them for details about exH.  After that conversation, ExBF hated exH and never again brought up flying exH to learn what really happened.

I believe some disordered people are jealous of anyone and everyone who may have been a part of your life in any way, shape or form.  And there is no way you can defend that.  And no reason to try… You cannot un-meet people.  Can you?

We have a lot more to discuss.  Let’s please stay with it?

One more really large thing to ponder… I’ve thought of this often… where and who were you, emotionally, when you opened yourself to Jennifer?  I believe that will be the start to your answers, SOS.  It may also indicate what you want, which may not be what you thought when you woke up this morning.

Sorry this is so long.

Warmly,
Gems

[SOS Solo]

Gems, thank you for your interest and feedback. I would be happy to discuss this further.

First, I am so sorry to hear of your painful and traumatic experiences. That is deeply concerning. From a physical standpoint, I was never assaulted, and I cannot imagine the fear of that.

To address some of your questions, my children are college-age and married. However, they are very deeply tied to our "family life". Although my marriage has not been satisfying for a very long time, I was committed to keeping my family intact for the sake of my children. However, I was willing to make a change since the children were now older and I fell in love with J simultaneously.

J is a mother and her children need various levels of support. J and I are in our 40's, but her children are a bit younger than mine. We both have great relationships with our children, but due to the secrecy of our relationship, neither of us was ever introduced to each other's children.

The restraining order was a deal breaker for me. It made me realize that if I had been living with J, she could have easily become upset over some imaginary suspicion, made more serious allegations, reported me to the authorities, and even thrown me out on the street. I don't know how I could ever trust her again.

However, I think my main purpose in these discussions is to be completely confident that leaving this relationship behind is the right thing to do. I need reassurance that J will survive without me, despite her genuine pleas for my help and promise to never abandon her. It seemed she kept escalating the attacks upon me, initially from jealousy, to imaginary accusations, to regular verbal abuse, to calling my wife, to calling the police, and finally to filing a restraining order.

I cannot see any way past the fact that she has made it absolutely clear that she has no limit to the harm she would cause me if I don't prove to her some absolute certainty that I would never abandon her. However, I see it as she emotionally and relationally abandoned me by her harmful actions.

Do you agree with that general assessment?

I do see much of my own contribution to the lack of fulfillment in my marriage, and my vulnerability to J. Yet, I have done nothing even close to the level of abuse and traumatic attacks that J has perpetrated toward me. In fact, I cannot imagine any other guy being willing to endure what I put up with, and for as long as I put up with it. The verbal abuse didn't bother me too much. Yet, false accusations and then involving the authorities pushed things beyond what I would endure.

Again, I am completely and totally in love with the good side of her... the sweet, generous, and absolutely darling person that she can be. She has a beautiful heart, but there are some things that I cannot provide for her. Additionally, I need some level of basic trust and confidence in being safe with her. After all she has done, I have no expectation to receive either.

Thank you for listening.

Solo

[Turkish]

The restraining order was a deal breaker for me. It made me realize that if I had been living with J, she could have easily become upset over some imaginary suspicion, made more serious allegations, reported me to the authorities, and even thrown me out on the street. I don't know how I could ever trust her again.

That's what my ex did to her new husband, who was the affair partner. He was her fantasy man (I never was), to whom she fled and then married. She started turning on him shortly after cohabitation and marriage. While she was still living with us, I caught what she wrote to him on our computer, every day that goes by is one day closer that we can be together forever.

It actually pissed me off later that she turned on him so badly and I felt sorry for him.

One row resulted in him being arrested for resisting arrest though she called the cops on his brother (after which she secured a TPO). She kicked her husband out, then they both called the cops on each other. When cops and courts get involved, it's over.

You asked elsewhere would it have been different if you hadn't been married. Likely not. This is who she is, she's shown you. Hurt people Hurt people.

[SOS Solo]

Turkish, this is very helpful feedback. I agree that she has revealed herself. I once told her she was not the woman I thought she was. I gave her 10,000 chances, endless compassion, and an ocean of forgiveness. I did love "us". I loved her sweet heart. I still deeply love and miss that part of her and us. But I can no longer endure the "walking on eggshells" anxiety that at any moment she could destroy me and my children in senseless rage. I know she is not malevolent, but navigating a relationship with her is like wrestling a dragon... I have to admit that with my wounded heart, trying to manage her pain as her romantic caretaker is simply a job too big for me!

[OKrunch]

That's what my ex did to her new husband, who was the affair partner. He was her fantasy man (I never was), to whom she fled and then married. She started turning on him shortly after cohabitation and marriage. While she was still living with us, I caught what she wrote to him on our computer, every day that goes by is one day closer that we can be together forever.

It actually pissed me off later that she turned on him so badly and I felt sorry for him.

One row resulted in him being arrested for resisting arrest though she called the cops on his brother (after which she secured a TPO). She kicked her husband out, then they both called the cops on each other. When cops and courts get involved, it's over.

You asked elsewhere would it have been different if you hadn't been married. Likely not. This is who she is, she's shown you. Hurt people Hurt people.

On a morning of intrusive thoughts, this not only hit so close to home (specifically the comment about getting thrown out on the street.

"hurt people, hurt people" is even a line my ex has used in the past when describing herself.
This is just such a good, short, concise reminder of why you leave, and don't turn around.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi SOS-

I’m sorry that I don’t know how to insert pieces of your prior post, but thank you for your kind acknowledgment of what happened to me the night my marriage ended.

First, your marriage and the kids - yours and J’s.  I do understand the mindset of wanting to maintain a LT marriage to keep a family intact, even for grown children.  My guess is the future path of your marriage will take you some time, especially with your wife being forced into the ugly mess with J.  I hope you’re able to work through what you want with some clarity and peace.

Regarding the kids - you know the relationship with your kids.  What you didn’t know, was Jennifer’s relationship with hers, since you never saw her interact with them.  At all.  She can tell you she has “great” relationships with them, but I sincerely doubt it was all peace and calm and love.   And there is some probability that one or more of her kids shares the traits of J.  After all, that’s the behavior they have witnessed.  My exNPD/BPDbf initially claimed to have a “great” relationship with his three boys (all early-mid 20’s when we met).  In fact he even told me he was seeing them on a solo trip to Central America a few months into our relationship.  I asked to see photos of him and the boys when he returned and he flew into a RAGE.  Blew my mind.  There were no photos because there were no sons on that trip.  Turns out he had zero contact with those boys.  Never in the 6.5 years I was with him.  There are more stories, but I’ll leave it at that.

By your account, you have unfortunately not seen J in social situations.  She has displayed distrust regarding your wife, and there is an extremely huge chance that that distrust would carry over to your children, friends, female colleagues, cousins, other relatives, women in restaurants, on the street, in other cars (going in the opposite direction), you get the gist.  The jealousy can be endless and indefensible.  And any future communication or collaboration or gatherings with your “exW” regarding your shared children, forget about it…. This would be your future.  Believe it.

I think you CAN be confident that leaving the relationship behind is the absolute only thing to do.  Here’s what I think… you were (are) in an unfulfilling LT marriage.  The chances are high (I’m guessing) that you immediately expressed to J the things that were lacking in your marriage… the things you deeply desired.  You told Jennifer exactly who YOU are.  And Jennifer mirrored every one of those things right back to you.  She instantly became your dream come true, right before your eyes.  You fell in love with you.  Odd, right?  But most of us here pretty much did that, except we didn’t know it.  Then her mask fell off and the rages began.

So the issue for you (all or most of us) would be, if you were to ever return to her, you would spend your time begging and searching and aching for the woman you think you love to return to you.  Sadly, she doesn’t really exist.  Some version of her may be in there, but the persona she presented at first, No.

And the damage… the screaming, the rages, the accusations, the verbal abuse, the emotional strangulation, twisting of words, empty promises and apologies, the jealousy, the police involvement, the restraining order?  Tip of the iceberg.  She did this while TRYING to lure you toward her.  If this doesn’t clue you into the dangerous lengths this person would go once she “has” you, nothing will. 

You have to know, SOS… you would be entering a life of complete isolation with her, with moving goal posts of NEVER being able to meet her demands of perfection.

Bottom line my friend, and I am a woman… I was a victim as a young child and then as a young adult and I worked hard to get through that pain and trauma.  I believe I have some traits and I have known for many years I was a bit different from other people, so I sought help.  When you stated that you “need reassurance that J will survive without you”, please be ASSURED she will.  She has done this countless times, and clearly still thinks this behavior is just fine and dandy.  It is not.  She is solely responsible for every one of her damaging actions. 

You cannot love someone to wellness.  No matter how deeply you love.  You didn’t break her and you cannot glue her back together.

I’m so sorry, I hope my words have not been too harsh, that’s not my intention.

Please keep posting.  You have a lot to work through.  And it’s okay, if in rebuttal to what I’ve said you’re thinking “but this or but that”; it’s only natural to want to defend her.  I get it.  I’m 3.5 years out and I’d likely still defend certain damaging actions of exBF.  ExH, no.

Hugs to you,
Gems

[SOS Solo]

Gems,

Thank you again for your kind and insightful feedback. I think in each area, you confirm many of my thoughts about my marriage, her relationship with her kids and in social settings, and also the reassurances that the challenges I have already faced are just the tip of the iceberg.

I have long felt that being with her would lead to complete isolation and demand every waking moment of my attention and emotional energy just trying to appease her and prevent the next nuclear eruption. Make no mistake, J is the most amazing woman I have ever known, and letting her go has shattered my heart. She was and will forever remain my deepest love and best friend, but the Mr. Hyde side of her would destroy me, my children, and my friendships  in the long run, more than she already has.

Blessings and best wishes in your recovery!

Solo

[SOS Solo]

For the record, I think this article is brilliant in explaining the reality of disengagement from a pwBPD: (read, and read it again!)

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality