what to do

[BPDstinks]

First...this group is saving my sanity & I do not feel so "isolated" , so, thank you!

My 23 year old BPD daughter has totally cut me off (only reaches out if she needs money, etc.)

As holidays approach, I wonder if I should CALL her (such a sad statement that ONE would have to ask!) (it is important to note, she said I was stalking her & she was going to get a restraining order!) I text her once a week, mailed her a card for Thanksgiving

I know she won't, however, I want to ATTEMPT to include her in Xmas

I texted an invite for Thanksgiving (NO response)

My husband said we should just show up at her apartment (based on the stalking comment, I do not think that is a wise move (plus, last time we were there, bringing HER stuff, she told my husband he had to wait in the foyer (typing this, I cannot believe the cruelty)

Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi BPDstinks;

One approach to situations like that is to decide ahead of time how you personally want to act, regardless of the outcome or of how others may or may not respond. For example, if one of your values is that you want to try to include family at the holidays, then you can decide to invite your D23 to Christmas at your place -- and then let go of the outcome, or of trying to come up with the "perfect" way to invite her that "will work", etc.

It's a way of taking the lead in a situation with a disordered person. Instead of chasing your pwBPD, begging them to agree, hoping you said the right words, or complying with every change in plans they want, you can model healthy boundaries and offer an open door for her to walk through to a healthy path... if she decides to.

That might look like sending an invitation saying: "Hey everyone, we're doing an 'open house' for family Christmas this year -- show up any time between 9am and 9pm that works for you, we'd love to see everyone whenever works best for you! Bring an appetizer if you like, we'll have snacks and then dinner at 5pm." (Of course, this is just an example, not a specific thing you need to do).

And then you may need to let go of the outcome -- probably the hardest part of all. But it could be an approach that is flexible (wide time range), inclusive (you are inviting everyone), and respects her choice (she may come for the whole time, part, or none, or may not respond at all). It gives her the gift of an opportunity to manage and regulate her own emotions about getting together, and to take responsibility for what she chooses.

...

Can you remind me if she lives in the same area as you?

[CC43]

Hi Stinks, I've been in your situation.  You might have seen in other posts that I've been interpreting the avoidance behavior and cold-shoulder treatment as akin to "time out" for the person with BPD.  Sometimes these periods of "time out" would last days, or weeks, or even months.  In the case of my stepdaughter (who was diagnosed with BPD a few years back), she would invariably resume contact when she needed something (money, insurance, car help, lease co-signer, etc.).  Even though the time-outs would hurt my husband's feelings and worry us, they did provide a needed respite from the angry outbursts and crazy-making.

I was dreading this Thanksgiving because some extended family members wouldn't celebrate with me and my husband, due to my stepdaughter's prior poor behavior and threats.  We decided not to accept invitations to spend the holiday away from home, either, for fear of excluding my stepdaughter and provoking some sort of disaster, even though she was in a "time out" as we tried to make plans.  In an attempt at compromise, I talked with my husband about possibly celebrating two Thanksgivings:  one with extended family, and one just for my stepdaughter, even though we doubted that she would even show up.  My husband surprised me by nixing that plan, saying that we would be "enabling" her, i.e. catering to her inability to be civil with other family members during a holiday.  So my husband extended an invitation to her to join us at our home on Thanksgiving, and he texted that it would be OK if she decided not to come.  As usual, we got no response.  But in a surprise twist, she pulled it together at the last minute and spent Thanksgiving with us and a few other guests from my side of the family (whom she hadn't alienated).  It actually worked out great!

My advice would be for you to invite her to spend Xmas with you as you ordinarily would.  You don't have to bribe her with gifts, special treatment or a visit to her place.  You shouldn't beg her.  If she doesn't reply, even if it's incredibly rude, don't press it.  If you deliver gifts to her, she might send them back or sell them, in a sign of protest--my stepdaughter did that more than once.  Make it your daughter's choice whether to accept the invitation or not, and she's the one who should deal with the consequences of her choice.  You could buy her gifts for Christmas under the assumption that she'll show up, but if she doesn't attend, then just put the gifts away for another time or another person.  If she continues with the cold shoulder treatment, just try not to let her get to you; if she gets to you, then she's "winning" by punishing you, which is probably the main point of her behavior.  Be beyond reproach, but don't beg, and stay calm.  Maybe she will surprise you like my stepdaughter did at Thanksgiving.  Maybe she'll tell you she made other plans; then say wonderful, I hope you have a great time.  The holidays are supposed to be joyous, after all.

I hope things turn around soon for you and your daughter.  It's bad enough, but the holidays somehow make BPD seem even worse.  Sometimes I can hardly believe how pathetic it is:  getting tied into knots for fear that a grown woman can't find a way to be civil with family for two hours on a holiday.  I guess that's why I've been on this site lately--it seems so pathetic, sad and embarrassing, honestly.  I grew up with many happy holidays with my family.  Seeing how my stepdaughter manages to self-destruct and ruin holidays is heartbreaking.

[Sasha77]

I am in a similar position… I’m guessing she knows she is welcome; if you do nothing, maybe she will take that as a positive in some way… since she put up the wall. I agree that going there would not be a good idea! At the most, text her to say she is always welcome. If she doesn’t respond, don’t waste time getting gifts. Take care of yourself this holiday season, whatever that means! This is such a tough time of year to be going through this, but we hot this, right?

[Sasha77]

*We got this!