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Author Topic: Please help me - traumatic break up  (Read 409 times)
Sophie22

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 12


« on: December 05, 2023, 05:51:37 AM »

Please can you help me.

Ex dumped me out of the blue after living together and 6 year relationship (both 34). I went no contact straight away (as he had been critical of me for sometime and he had threatened break up a couple of months previously so I just felt emotionally exhausted)

I made no break up mistakes ie. no calling / texting / stalking (internally I really struggled). This has all happened in the last 2/3 months.

We were happy or so I thought before this, although he has pushed/pulled with me before, often seemed to idealize me and then massively devalue me with obvious criticism. I always was patient and caring.

He contacted me a few weeks after the break up a few times over "bills" and I gave nothing away and was polite, I didnt come across as needy but also tried to talk to him about me and him but he was so cold to me so I didnt persist, I also did not want to beg or plead with him although weirdly felt this is what he wanted (merely for his own validation) transpires he monkey branched/cheated into a relationship with an older woman (40yo) with 2 children.

I don’t understand how he can’t commit to me (engagement would have been next for us and I think this scared him) but he can commit to now being in a “happy family “ dynamic with children that are not his?

He is also posting her, him and the children on social media a bit which is very unlike him (I am blocked but friends have shared with me, I have asked them to not share moving forward for my own healing)

He is avoidant, impulsive and undiagnosed BPD with some NPD and ADHD tendencies. He has blocked me on social media even though I’ve made no break up mistakes, never tried to contact him and I was a great partner. I thought we were happy together.

He has always had that "one foot in one foot out mentality" in terms of emotional connection however we spent lots of time together, felt we were "close" (as can be) and we were both fully integrated in each others lives, Im very close to his family and friends. We were also building a house together and had made plans for the following year together.

Will he come back? Will he regret?

I am working on me but I just have been struggling with the sudden break up and no answers as well as the huge betrayal that he cheated (he met this woman 2 months before we broke up)

Even if he doesn’t come back to me I’d like to know that he would perhaps regret his decision even in the future. It’s been the hardest thing I have ever had to do and still is.

Im still in shock even though doing all the right things to be good to myself as well as work on myself (therapy etc).

He literally cut me off, no communication , blocked me and basically near enough ghosted me after 6 years of a life together.

Even to get closure or just some nice words from him at some point down the road would make me feel like at least he felt something.

Any advice appreciated.

What do you think will happen now? Was that the final discard? Will he be back? Will he ever regret?

I really feel he is "done" and only sees me as black now however have heard BPDs can come back very often.

 I dont understand it, I was such a great partner to him in so many ways. My own issues being in the last few months trying to defend myself from his criticism and uninterest in the relationship.


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kells76
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 4009



« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2023, 05:13:08 PM »

Hi and welcome to the group  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) we're glad you found us and felt ready to share your story.

What you went through sounds so familiar here on the Detaching board: it can seem like the pwBPD (person with BPD) is happily moving on with life, posting amazing pictures on social media, "never been happier", etc, all right after ending a serious long-term relationship. It's no wonder you feel like you're in shock; the break up came out of nowhere (for you) and in the middle of big life plans like building the house and possibly getting engaged.

In terms of whether he'll regret his decision or not, it's hard to say. I wouldn't depend on what social media portrays to get an accurate picture of how he feels. Social media allows people to curate an image of themself and their life, so you're only going to see whatever he decides to post. Right now, he wants to portray an image of "happy family man", and there isn't really any conclusion we can draw from that image about what he may or may not regret. I think all we can conclude is that -- that's what he wants people to see of him right now.

I wonder if a bigger question for you would be: are you still a worthwhile person, even if he didn't regret breaking up? I think we all know intellectually that the answer is Yes, we have value regardless of what the pwBPD thinks or feels.

But it's more a question at a feelings level. How would you feel about yourself, no matter how he felt?

...

In terms of wondering about if he'll reach out again, one approach is to just assume that he will sometime. It's not uncommon -- though each pwBPD is different. Many pwBPD fear being alone or abandoned, and so if there are difficulties in a new relationship, the pwBPD may reach out to a "known entity" for support and to not be alone.

Again, though, a big question for you might be: no matter what he does or doesn't do, what do you want? Are you done with the relationship?

...

pwBPD struggle to see a balanced picture of partners. They may have "black and white" thinking (all or nothing thinking, either-or thinking) where if you're good, you're great, but if you have any flaws, you're awful. So it can be true that overall you were a great partner, yet due to your ex's disordered thinking, any flaw you had or mistake you made took over his viewpoint and he couldn't see the full picture, only the negatives. A partner could be a perfect angel and still a pwBPD could find a "reason" to break up. That's not to say that the non does not play a part, more to say: confusion about "how could he break up with me, I was actually a pretty good partner" makes a lot of sense in your situation. One of the tragedies of BPD is how it seems to blind sufferers to the love and care of people around them.

...

You mention working on yourself; how is that going? Are you seeing a counselor or therapist, and are you able to work on the betrayal you experienced?
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