Feeling Sad

[ChrisOz]

Just feeling sad at the whole situation with my "partner"
In the past it has been soo good - even though there where always signs there was a problem - her overall radiance, positivity and energy were and still are at times able to give me the feeling of being whole.
Now I am sad.
I have been in and out of this relationship (currently "in") for nearly 30 years and am very blessed with 3 beautiful children (grown up now).
This recurring feeling of sadness is what I am most concerned with.
The phrase "why are you smiling" comes to mind - Like I should be miserable all the time and if I am then I am "unhappy and you complain all the time"
----! Really it is so frustrating - I want to be happy - have a good healthy and respectful relationship, and it seems like trying to grasp a thought which is constantly shot down.
As I write I feel life entering my being - being able to express my feelings, situation  and frustrations.
Thinking about making dinner but everything (just about) I make is tastless and boring. I am at the point where I cant be bothered to make anything for her as there is a 90% chance I will be criticized.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

“her overall radiance, positivity and energy were and still are at times able to give me the feeling of being whole.”

This is an example of one of the challenges being in a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD). Boundaries get blurred and we allow our moods to be influenced by how our partners are feeling. Granted, it’s hard not to when we live with emotionally reactive people!

This recurring feeling of sadness is what I am most concerned with.
The phrase "why are you smiling" comes to mind - Like I should be miserable all the time and if I am then I am "unhappy and you complain all the time"
----! Really it is so frustrating - I want to be happy - have a good healthy and respectful relationship, and it seems like trying to grasp a thought which is constantly shot down.

Yes, it is sad that our partners dwell in such emotional turmoil and then find fault with us for expressing our joy or our sadness, but this is the reality we find ourselves in.

What I’ve come to learn and accept is that my husband will frequently be in a *black mood*. It often is unpleasant to be around him when he’s like that—so I don’t. I go and do something that makes me joyful and happy, whether it be a momentary thing like taking a walk in the woods or doing something for another person that nurtures my soul and frequently is appreciated. I think of the saying “You can’t get water from a dry well.”

At other times, my husband can be pleasant and kind. Those are the occasions I choose to hang out with him and reinforce those good times.

“As I write I feel life entering my being - being able to express my feelings, situation  and frustrations.”


I’ve found writing to be extremely therapeutic. It’s having a conversation with myself…and here I can share that conversation with others who are experiencing similar things. It’s giving permission to yourself to be exactly who you are and to share feelings and thoughts that likely could cause difficulties if you shared them with your partner.

Being married to a pwBPD certainly is not for the faint of heart!  

[thankful person]

Hi Chris,
I’ve been in this marriage for only 6 years and I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been trying to focus more on looking after myself, being proud and supportive and understanding of myself, as I can’t rely on my wife for these things. I’m also fed up with the constant criticism of my efforts to be a normal decent person and earn a living to support my family. And I pretty much keep my emotions to myself, especially anything I’m even a tiny bit happy about. Example, my wife will often ring me when I’m driving to work and I will refrain from saying something like, “it’s a beautiful sunrise today” because she is eternally jealous of my experiences and it’s because I make an effort to notice and appreciate and celebrate the good things and ironically being with her has indirectly taught me the importance of this.
But yes I’m very sad about it all too, and though I have accepted to a large extent my wife will not and cannot ever change for the most part… I’m still grieving that, and the marriage we could have had if it weren’t for this horrific abusive disorder.