Hello all,
I did post yesterday, but I think I posted in the wrong place.
This is entirely new to me and I'm unsure where to go. Trigger warning, suicidal and trauma inside. If this is over the edge. Please delete it.
I'm just going to likely word vomit all over the page, as I'm in such a weird state I just don't know what I am doing. Beware this is a long post. I appreciate anyone who stops by and takes the time. I appreciate you, even if you don't.
Let me start from where I can. I met this Girl, we met through mutual friends at the time. We had an almost instant connection and I couldn't wait to see her again. We started seeing each other quite often, the texting started frequently, all was going great. We started dating after about a month of meeting and seeing each other. She had to move out of her old place and there was a room opening up in my house share. We both discussed it and agreed it would be hard, but we'd have to work through it like adults when she moved in. She hadn't told me at this point she had EUPD/BPD. I experienced it full swing the first day she moved in and the way her mood changed from cuddling up and joking to suddenly the fear in her eyes and the uncertainty. It really threw me. This had happened once before on a date out, but she didn't explain to me why. Now I know why.
Skip forward to two months in. I started to notice things I was ignoring, some red flags popping up here and there. But I put it down to her condition and it not being here. There were obviously things from my end, I started putting pressure on myself, trying to figure out, how "should" I be feeling, do I like this girl etc. At first, I could combat these questions in my head, as I was still un marred by things and I did/still do, like the girl. We went out she got drunk and I stayed sober as I was driving. When we got in things went wrong. Long story short, I left the room for a few minutes, to find her in my bathroom, bleach bottle in hand. I was terrified. I ran in and grabbed the bottle off her. I think this is where things started to take a turn.
Skipping forward again. I'm quite anxious, on edge and feeling very very heavy hearted and at times suicidal. When she's having her highs I'm in a horrible low, which got reinforced by her checking in but then her following up with "is it my fault. Which then made me feel worse. As she played her part, but how could I tell her, as it would only send her into a spiral, and then we'd both be down the creek, with nothing but a falling apart raft. I started having multiple breakdowns, I was being told by outsiders I looked unhappy and I was becoming a shadow of myself, this one hurt me the most. My friends and family were really starting to notice my decline. I felt like everyone I told, I was burdening and all I wanted to do was walk into a road to have it stop.
We'd planned to have a early Christmas away, a little romantic getaway together. Then a couple of days before on the weekend previous, we'd both discussed we were very unhappy after we spent a day strolling around a shopping centre. Two days later (Tuesday), she sent me a text saying we needed to talk. I came home, expecting after mentally preparing myself for the breakup all day, this was it. She instead said I don't want to talk, I just want to hug and make out. So we did. Then my brother called, said he was in the area and asked me if we wanted to hang out before he went home. She didn't like that, she immediately switched and kicked me out and then stormed off. I couldn't accept this. As soon as she got home, I told her I wasn't accepting this and it was wrong of her to do that. She then proceeded to say she knew it was wrong. She believed she was being abandoned and in believing that, she abandoned me at such a low point. She drove to the middle of no where, get lost, panicked, self harmed and eventually came home. She then continued to illustrate that she had planned to break up with me, but when I walked in earlier, her body changed and she didn't want to. After all was said and done, I felt so emotionally manipulated and drained I drank myself to sleep that night. I cancelled our weekend away and the plans we had. I was angry, but again didn't want to say this to her for fear of setting her off. Friday morning 22nd Dec, rolls around. We talked about a show I'd seen the night before and she got triggered and blew up at me and stormed out to work. This was the day I decided I couldn't take anymore. She got home and I called it off and then I left for my parents. Admittedly I may not have handled this well from my end, but I couldn't cope anymore. If I'd have stayed, I don't think I would have woken up the next day.
Moving forward to present day. My situation is difficult now. We live in a shared rented house (Separate rooms) but shared kitchen. So we still see each other. We had a big big argument on my birthday, were she confessed multiple times, she can't do the breakup because she loves me and then changed through the discussion to I loved you, back and forth multiple times. It wasn't easy sitting there and having to endure this, but I did it for closure. It helped initially. But I spent my entire birthday upset and down. I even cried most the morning, I was angry beyond belief.
We have had a calm discussion since, we both agreed we can't/shouldn't get back together any time soon if ever! But now I feel I am struggling with emotional turmoil amongst other things. I feel lost and un easy in myself. I've been seeing a therapist, who's said I did the right thing and that I look as though a weight has been lifted. But now I feel as though I am left with so much emotional pain I can't deal with the up's and downs. I don't want to move out, I feel like neither of us should have to leave when the rest of us (6 in the house) all get on so well. I'm unsure how to continue. I'm also now finding that I am becoming unregulated. I will get extremely happy one moment, sad the next and sometimes lose myself to my anger that I will throw a fist into the nearest wall or table. This is horrible, I've never felt like this.
I still don't blame her. When she is herself, she is a lovely person and that's what everyone else see's outside the house and our own private spaces. But even some of the room mates noticed her disorder as of recent.
I guess I am here posting this as a form of release, asking for help as to will I ever feel myself and the emotional pain will go away? I am at a complete loss.
I did join a family connections group that teaches parents how to help and cope with their childs bpd/eupd but I was the only partner there, which made it very difficult for me. They all praised me for being there for her and that I was doing well. But it felt so odd to me. They told me I was trying to hard to be her saviour (which I guess is something in me, because I like helping people), but I can't save someone from themselves.
The constant re assurance and the battering of do you like me, why are you with me, this isn't fair on you you don't like me. You hate me, stop lying. Really felt like my heart was being punched and beaten down every time.
I reached the lowest emotional point and lowest physical health point of my life. I did it for a mix of myself and my health and her, so she didn't get any further invested and making more memories that she could turn horrible in her head.
I feel terrible, in many ways, but I feel I did it for the right reasons. Now I am just stuck trying to grieve while still living with the person.
I did see her yesterday (as we live in the same shared house, that's going to happen.) I spoke to her after she looked incredibly down. I do still care for her, so I went and checked on her (as she's also borrowing my old laptop for her college course.), she's understandably struggling, as I think we both her, but I can only imagine how it is for her. We talked, I assured her after she thinks and feels she is a monster for making me feel the way she did, anxious, stressed etc. I assured her she is not a monster or a bad person. But now she is also in pain. Maybe a mix of heartbreak, anxiety, stress. I'm not sure. I kept my calm, as I have to now. I don't know how I am feeling about her and the past relationship. I would love to be able to build a friendship, to support her. But I know that is going to take a long time.
I am not discounting anything she has done, she is working on herself through DBT. She is improving. I just felt that sadly, I was not in a good place for many reasons. It's an interesting situation. I don't know of it's a good idea for us to ever think about the relationship romantically. At least not right now, we both need to heal. I am holding my ground on that one, and it's still especially fresh.
I may update this as I go.
If you got here, thank you so so much and I will never meet you, but I love you!
