Want her to return and improve together

[hopefulrromantic]

Hi there, this is pretty terrifying to post but I wanted to get myself out here and try to understand what is happening in my life. I apologize wholeheartedly if my post is long-winded but there is a lot to cover.

I am a 31 year old guy and my estranged girlfriend is 32 years old and while she hasn't told me if she ever has been diagnosed with BPD, my current therapist (who also was our relationship counselor) has mentioned that she believes she shares plenty of traits that can be diagnosed as BPD. I'll refer to her as K.

K is a teacher who works a fully remote job, we have had five pets altogether that we took care of - two cats that she had before she met me, a dog that we adopted, and two cats that we adopted after the death of one of her previous cats. She is absolutely gorgeous, introverted in some ways, does not enjoy crowds, but enjoys traveling and picking up new hobbies. K has had a lot of emotional and physical trauma from her childhood and her previous marriage. Her father was emotionally abusive and manipulative, physically abusive when it came to punishments, and was someone with unchecked mental issues, on top of being a womanizer and having been married at least four times. Her ex-husband was equally emotionally abusive and manipulative and would drag her to be out for very long periods of time, drank and smoke heavily, and was an all around menace. K does not speak to her father as much but she does speak to her mother and often visits her during the winters since her mother is a lot older. K has many half-siblings, but they should honestly just be siblings with how close she is to them.We have great sexual chemistry that over time diminished due to a lot of factors I will outline.

I am a web developer and currently work a hybrid job, have a stable family life and no trauma or issues from my childhood. I developed generalized anxiety disorder due to a chemical imbalance through my puberty in high school which resulted in me taking online courses in my last two semesters. I was not and never have been bullied, have dealt with a bad relationship in the past but the turnaround time from bad relationship to single to casual fling to meeting K was about 2 years. I lived with K and K's brother since 2019 and currently live in the home K leases from a landlord. Her brother and I have a great relationship and while he has social anxiety, he's a very capable and determined guy who has a lot of love for his friends and family, K's brother is in his mid to late 30's and I'll refer to him as H.

About six years ago I met a beautiful woman through a dating app, it was still prior to the countless bad sales tactics these apps use nowadays but anyway, this woman was essentially the right person for me in so many ways. We would spend hours talking to one another and we went on our first date and hit it off so well. After a few dates we began to get intimate and she confided in me that she was previously married, having been afraid that I would reject her on that basis. She mentioned that her ex-husband still lived with her but that they had been separated for a year or so, and soon after he would be leaving. I took her word and I told her that it didn't matter to me because I was falling for her and her past is her past, all one can do is learn from it. As time went on, I learned that this man was emotionally abusing her and would cause her a lot of trauma that she began going to therapy for.

Flash forward and our relationship was going strong, we had met each other's families and I moved out on my own and started working at this fantastic job that brought me to a very high salary (and I continue to work here). We would talk about plans for the future, such as trips we want to take, living together, and taking care of her pets (she had two cats at the time). She would end up getting another pet with me and we would split the time taking care of him where he would be at my place at times. At the time I did not have my own car and it caused a lot of stress in the relationship, especially with her driving over to see me. K was also the type of person who had severe FOMO and would want to do what her friends were doing, this would come about with friends going on trips to other countries or being able to travel in an RV, you get the picture. K recently went on a trip to Spain with a friend of her's and upon returning she was upset at the fact that I was apprehensive of going on a trip back, this was at a point in my life where I was trying to get a higher salary at work but I was also afraid of flying since it had been nearly a decade at that point since I've flown so I was actually going to therapy to help me with overcoming that and general anxiety. This actually resulted in our first break 2 years into our relationship where she was mentioning how she didn't want to deal with someone with anxiety since she has anxiety as well and some other issues. The break lasted a few months but in that time, I put in the work and got myself my own car, saved up my vacation time, and when I went to return her wardrobe after discussing taking it back to her, I drove it over in the used car I bought and I asked to come in. I asked her if she was okay with talking for a while about where we left things. I told her that my feelings have not changed and that I have been actively working on myself when it comes to anxiety and all these issues, but still wanted to travel and involve myself in her hobbies and I would hope she would in mine. She sat down on her couch and let me give her a foot rub while she explained she was mostly upset that I didn't live with her and that not having a car was a big deal for her and that she really wanted me to get one. I explained that if she had communicated about it then we could have avoided all this and that I missed being with her and our pets. She said she missed us being together and she actually freaked out when she got up and finally saw the car I got since it was the one she had wanted to get for road tripping and all that. I ended up moving in the moment my lease was up and as she was saddled with large debts I put forward that I would cover my and her part of the rent so she can work on settling these debts.

We made amends and the relationship became even stronger, we went on a road trip a few months after the rekindling and it was the first and best road trip I have been on in my life so far. We spent hours just engaged with each other, had very passionate moments, and saw so many new places that we would want to return to someday. Upon us coming back, we would make plans for upcoming trips but as Covid hit, those plans were put on hold. At the same time, one of our cats was getting sick and thankfully I was able to work remote the entire pandemic and we would take care of her until she passed about a year or so in. This death caused K to really go into a deep depression as it was the first death she had to deal with that really impacted her as it was as if our child had died. I was equally depressed by this situation and we grieved our pet and cherished our other cute cat and dog. It took a while throughout it for us to come back to ourselves and our sex life had also just plummeted due to it, which is understandable. As time went on, our other cat got sick but it was manageable for a very long time. Once the pandemic ended, we took a trip to North Carolina for a weekend and I went on my first flight and it went extremely well, we had a fantastic time there and even talked about moving there. I later went on a trip a month later to NYC to knock out more flight anxiety and also return to a home town nearby.

I came back and as time went on, things would get stressful with us having to administer medicine to our sick cat while taking on many other duties. Due to the loss of our previous cat, K wanted to adopt two other cats who lived about 9 hrs away from our location. I accepted because it would raise our sick cat's spirits and K went on her own to drive as my PTO was at it's limit. When she returned, we welcomed two new babies into our house and they took to everything and everyone, our dog loved them just the same. At this point with the stress of administering medicine and new additions, K would sometimes argue with me about seeing my family, stating things such as being uncomfortable because my family is very loving and "stable" as she puts it while she isn't used to that. I always had to tell her that this is not a competition and that my family loves and cared for her as if she were their own daughter and that she never has to feel out of place but if she does not want to visit them or if she wants to only be there for a short while we can compromise. This subject would be brought up a lot and caused a lot of strife later.

Time passes and in 2022, our dog has a very sudden but terrifying illness that took him from healthy and striving to in horrible shape in the matter of a week, with him passing at only 6. This shocked both of us and brought us to a deep depression, our parents (her mom, my mom and dad) were there when we made the decision to have a service done to help him with passing. This shock would result in us postponing a trip and with her wondering if this trip she had planned for April 2023 with her mother as a birthday surprise should even happen. I told her that it should and helped her with the finances for it, as it would be a European trip that cost a little more than usual. At the same time, she was also working a different teaching job that netted her higher pay but also much higher stress. In December 2022, we had a full argument that resulted in neither of us seeing my family for the holidays. I was upset that she was using the same uncomfortable excuse because at the time my aunt had cancer and I had wanted us to go see them and comfort her. In any case, it didn't happen and we ended up celebrating the New Year together thankfully. In February 2023, our sick cat succumbed to her illnesses and we also had the same service done to help her pass. These two shocks one after another took a huge toll on K and I. K's depression really went down and I was trying to remain calm despite having a lot of grief. K was unsure of this trip once again and I pushed her to go since it would take her mind off of the home, she can celebrate her mother's birthday, and see new sights. She obliged and they went on this trip. She would constantly text me and ask why I wasn't reaching out and I honestly answered that I did not want to take time away from her trip but that I love her immensely. Her trip went well but when she came back, we were still dealing with grief as well as a tremendous lack of intimacy and I put forward seeing a counselor to help us figure this out. She was apprehensive but then agreed.

Our counselor has an extensive background in different behavioral disorders, anxiety, trauma, and works mainly as a marriage counselor, sex therapist, and trauma specialist. We began talking about unpacking our grief and background and it resulted in a lot of us realizing our communication issues, which this helped us understand deeply.

K had wanted to go on another trip and I had mentioned that I had time off and had the idea of going to New Orleans. I mentioned that if her friends had previously gone then we should bring them along, so we did. We had a pretty good time overall but at some point in the trip, she snapped at me for asking her about her phone or commenting on something on her phone, where she yelled at me in public in front of her friends and strangers alike, resulting in me being fairly quiet and upset. She was upset the whole night and as I tried to raise spirits and help us get back to normal, it was getting late. The next day K was not interested in heading out, so I went out in the day with her friends and bought some things for her to help her feel a little better. We would then go out the next night to a tour and K refused to hold my hand.

In our sessions after this trip, I had mentioned how I felt invisible and unwanted and K kept mentioning how she was just trying to listen to the tours and that she was not feeling public affection despite it being something she initiated often. K was also starting to do more pet sitting and house sitting, which kept her away from our pets and me. One of these house sits, she proposed an idea to me of her helping a friend of ours move to Atlanta and perhaps staying a week there to help her out. I was cautious and asked questions to clarify but ultimately obliged. At some point, K and I did have sex which she initiated and later in the same day, she mentioned tabling that and saying she feels like it was a wrong move on her part. This deeply hurt me and I was incredibly confused. In any case, our birthdays lined up in June and we were going to the beach for a week. Here I was very careful with her and we spent a lot of beautiful moments seeing the sunset each day, walking down the beach in the morning, and talking about our futures and buying a house. We didn't have any intimate interactions despite it being our birthdays. In July of this year, she helped her friend move and had also extended the week idea to a month. She ended up staying at and is now more than likely still staying in a room leased by a friend of my second cousin. She gave K this room idea thinking it was just to help out the friend who was moving but didn't realize what was going to happen. Throughout this month, K refused to do any more counseling, stating that she was going up and that was that. I was in a deep depression and confused, I asked when she would be back and she mentioned that in September she would return because of a work group meeting that she has to attend, despite our anniversary falling in that time, with her not even mentioning it. When she came back, I was wondering what the plan was and would keep vouching for counseling as her behavior seemed cold and erratic, she flew back down and rented a car instead of driving down in her own which at the time seemed strange, but afterwards I realized it was for her to take more of her stuff out of the house and up to Atlanta. On our anniversary we went to the beach and had a good time but something seemed wrong about it. After we came back, she left for her work thing and when she came back she was home for a few days and then left and hasn't returned since. Through therapy, I ended up setting boundaries and informed her that I wanted her to come back only if she was interested in doing therapy and working on this with me. If she was not willing to, she would only need to contact me regarding the lease, our pets, or working on this. She asked if the therapy was for us or for me, if it was for me then she would do it, but if not, she would not. I got my answer and told her that I will stop reaching out but that she can contact me at any point. Since then in late September, I have yet to hear from her. She also slowed down contact with her own family members and mutual friends. It has me worried because I do care a lot about K, but this behavior was so strange, I asked my therapist about it and obviously because of client patient confidentiality, she mentioned that the only thing she can surmise from their talks is that she either took on her narcissistic father or ex-husband 's traits or that she has undiagnosed BPD. K's mother mentioned that K once stopped speaking to her for a year because of something or other and that this behavior while not common, has happened before, informing me that "she'll be back and things will be okay".

Recently, I sent K a bunch of photos of our cats and a postcard as I took time off for myself to travel and kill more anxiety. It has been three months since I last spoke and saw K, but she still had me added on social media and often saw a lot of my posts. Likewise, I saw some of hers and noticed she had recently gone on a trip.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi hopefulromantic, glad you found us and felt ready to share your story. As you settle in here and continue to post, just know that you're in the driver's seat for how much or how little you disclose -- no pressure either way.

A lot of what you wrote will sound really familiar to people here, where the good times are really good and the bad times are really hurtful.

One thing that came to mind when reading about your estranged GF is that BPD can show up in some different "flavors": not everyone with BPD cuts, or threatens suicide, or is violent, etc. A book that might be interesting to you (even though the person in your life wBPD is a partner, not a parent) is "Understanding the Borderline Mother" by Christine Ann Lawson PhD. She collects various BPD trait groupings as well known storybook "characters": the Queen, the Witch, the Hermit, and the Waif. (NB, those aren't clinical paradigms, more descriptions of constellations of traits/behaviors that can be helpful to those "in the trenches").

While the Queen and the Witch may be the more obvious manifestations of BPD traits, the Hermit and the Waif are no less BPD. When you describe your GF as reticent to be social, overwhelmed by stressors, and escaping conflict, it made me wonder if she might tend more in those directions.

I'm seeing your post title is "Want her to return and improve together", and that makes sense. People want to stay in and reenter relationships with a pwBPD for all kinds of reasons that can be personal. We definitely understand that here. At the same time, I'm curious about this:

Through therapy, I ended up setting boundaries and informed her that I wanted her to come back only if she was interested in doing therapy and working on this with me. If she was not willing to, she would only need to contact me regarding the lease, our pets, or working on this. She asked if the therapy was for us or for me, if it was for me then she would do it, but if not, she would not.

At that point, were you willing to end the relationship? Or was it sort of an "ultimatum" or something where you hoped she'd see that you were serious?

I got my answer and told her that I will stop reaching out but that she can contact me at any point. Since then in late September, I have yet to hear from her. She also slowed down contact with her own family members and mutual friends. It has me worried because I do care a lot about K, but this behavior was so strange, I asked my therapist about it and obviously because of client patient confidentiality, she mentioned that the only thing she can surmise from their talks is that she either took on her narcissistic father or ex-husband 's traits or that she has undiagnosed BPD. K's mother mentioned that K once stopped speaking to her for a year because of something or other and that this behavior while not common, has happened before, informing me that "she'll be back and things will be okay".

Recently, I sent K a bunch of photos of our cats and a postcard as I took time off for myself to travel and kill more anxiety. It has been three months since I last spoke and saw K, but she still had me added on social media and often saw a lot of my posts. Likewise, I saw some of hers and noticed she had recently gone on a trip.

Curious about that, too -- am I tracking with you that you might be changing your approach, and trying some attempts at reaching out to her?

...

It can be pretty difficult to be in the position of the one who was "left", in terms of moves you have available to you to restart the relationship.

One thing to keep in mind is that the relationship, as it was, wasn't working -- for either of you. So to have a shot at it being healthier and more stable in the future, you can't go back to how it was.

A big part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD is knowing that they may have a higher than average need for validation and greater sensitivity to invalidation. Interactions that could happen in a "generally normal" relationship and be ok for both partners, might actually be invalidating and hurtful for a pwBPD. To have a shot at trying the relationship again, it'll probably be important to learn the ways in which you might have been accidentally invalidating, and to work hard at not being invalidating.

Invalidation can look a lot of ways: a really common one is what we call "JADE-ing" (Justifying ourselves, Arguing/Attacking, Defending ourselves, Explaining). As much as those approaches can kind of be okay at resolving conflict in a "generally normal" relationship (i.e., "If I could just explain to her that it isn't a big deal, she'll relax"), JADE-ing tends to inflame conflicts with a pwBPD

We also have a great section of articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup, plus a video in our Tools section on Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating.

Take a look at those when you have a minute -- I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on if JADE-ing was part of your relationship, and your take on validation/invalidation.

...

Has she responded to the photos and postcard?

[Pook075]

Hi Hopeful!  I'm very glad you took the step to tell your story here and reach out for help.  I remember my 1st post last year and thinking to myself, "Nobody is going to understand how my world's been flipped upside down."  Yet everyone did understand me because they've been in the same position at some point with more questions than answers.  All of us here are somewhere along that journey of self-discovery and healing, so hopefully we'll do a good job of making you feel at home.

I agree with Kells as well, especially what is mentioned on validating feelings and emotions to strengthen overall communication.  It's so easy for our logical brains to think, "What's right is right!"  But what if verbalizing that invalidates how someone else feels?  It's a slippery slope that takes lots of practice to fully understand and implement.

If you have any direct questions, please feel free to ask them and the community will do our best to provide guidance.  I'm very sorry that you're going through this and hopefully we can help you gain more clarity on how to proceed.

[hopefulrromantic]

So I actually talked to her today and explained my feelings and intentions, including my goals of moving away, helping her with her debts, and increasing my own savings on top of traveling and all that. I reached out because I felt that even in posting this, the only person who would be able to help move forward here is her and I talking together. I video chatted with her while I was here on vacation in the West and she was still in Atlanta, she was hesitant about getting on camera and preferred texting but I asked her if she would do me the favor of at least talking on the phone while we video chatted so she can see me. She obliged and then we began talking, with my starting by asking her how everything was going for her and how she was feeling. She mentioned that she was okay and that she was mostly working as she didn't have a lot of time to go out and have fun.

When I asked her about her feelings on the subject, she got mad and asked me if this was a therapy session and I replied by telling her that it wasn't, I just wanted to know how she was actually doing and her emotions relating to it. She said that she was doing okay, but has just felt peace being up there. I asked her if she ever wanted to return home and she mentioned that she cannot stand the city and that she never wanted to come back but that she would in February (I'm assuming for a work conference). I asked her if she wanted to remain in Atlanta and she said she did not. I asked then if she would prefer if we moved somewhere like North Carolina or Virginia, and she said that she would but that she doesn't want to tear me away from my family. This talking point came up a lot during our sessions and outside of them and I reiterated that I would be okay moving away from them as I can just fly to see them if need be. I also mentioned that I was actively looking for remote work and that I was on my way to getting my resume redone to do so.

The conversation then led to current feelings for one another, where she said that she cares about me and my well-being and that she thinks about me a lot. I mentioned that I feel the same way and I thought about her every single day and that my feelings for her remained the same: I love her and I'm a fountain of support for her that hasn't dried up at all, and that I want to continue supporting her and loving her, despite everything that transpired. I mentioned how I still carry around a photo of us in my wallet everywhere I go. I mentioned how our pets miss her and that my family loves her unconditionally, specifically citing something my own mother said about taking her in regardless of what happened and harboring no ill will. I mentioned H and her mother and how they were doing, I even mentioned how some of my friends were angry and worried for and about me as well as worried for her. I stated that regardless of what has happened, she has a network of people who love her no matter what. I showed her pictures of our cats and talked about how they were doing and she laughed and mentioned something specific about them.

K understood and I asked if she still held feelings for me and how she saw us. K said that she still has feelings but she thought that we were broken up, that she did not want me to come up to Atlanta and that the distance is not preferable for her. She also mentioned how she valued having peace and quiet. I asked her if she would ever change her mind about this and if she can see us as working out in the near future or future and she said maybe. I asked if she would be open to us living elsewhere and she said she did not know.

Excerpt
Through therapy, I ended up setting boundaries and informed her that I wanted her to come back only if she was interested in doing therapy and working on this with me. If she was not willing to, she would only need to contact me regarding the lease, our pets, or working on this. She asked if the therapy was for us or for me, if it was for me then she would do it, but if not, she would not.

At that point, were you willing to end the relationship? Or was it sort of an "ultimatum" or something where you hoped she'd see that you were serious?

My objective was never to end the relationship or offer an ultimatum, I was simply setting a boundary line in hopes that she would understand what I am looking for, for both of us. She brought this up early in our talk today and said she felt upset and gave me what she thought I wanted which was to leave me alone. I mentioned that it was just a boundary line and I had originally given her space and time afterward to think about it all.

Take a look at those when you have a minute -- I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on if JADE-ing was part of your relationship, and your take on validation/invalidation.

There was a lot of JADE-ing and I read a bit of this but did not read it prior to the conversation we had today unfortunately, something for me to learn and grow with.

As far as validation/invalidation, I had read about it earlier today and do feel that I did a lot better having read about it than I would have if I didn't, I validated her concerns about Atlanta but also offered a lifeline stating that she has support and love here no matter what.

Has she responded to the photos and postcard?

She did, I had asked her if she received them and she thanked me. I asked her about what she thought and she said it was nice. I asked her what she thought of the drawing and she said that she can see that I improved a lot. I told her that it was my favorite and that I took a lot of what I had felt about her and drew it to match my perception of her. I then asked if she looked at the back of the drawing, and she said she did. The drawing had a song written on the back that we talked about in our past, with me mentioning how the song just would play in my head when I thought about her or looked at her. I began getting a little more emotional mentioning how the drawing was just a reflection of her in my head, she wasn't wearing anything glamorous, she was just looking forward and dressed in casual clothes. It's a pretty close likeness to her and seeing it even now makes me emotional.

The conversation ended with me asking if we can continue talking, she mentioned that she did not think it was a good idea and that keeping NC would be easier for me. I asked if we can have minimal contact and she asked me to clarify, to which I said that we wouldn't talk all the time, but it would be small talk here and there. She said that would be fine. I then asked if I can send her photos, including pictures of the trip I am on. She said yes but no photos of our cats. I asked her if it hurts to look at them, to which she said that it did, and I told her I understood. She said that she wants me to enjoy the trip and that she was happy I was out there and seeing new things. She said that she hoped I could see the snow soon as I haven't seen it since I was 12. I told her thank you and that talking to her brought me a lot of relief, I told her that I love her and said goodbye for now. She did not respond to the I love you but said goodbye and that was it.

This conversation brought out the months of pain and washed a bit of it away, I had hoped we could have talked a lot more and she would have been open to joining me on this vacation but it is what it is and we are here now. After the call, I sent her as many photos of the trip and left it at that. I took a video of the falling snow and am leaving her to see them when she would like.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this and hopefully we can help you gain more clarity on how to proceed.

I appreciate you and thank you.

[kells76]

Hey, thanks for the update on how your conversation went -- it's really helpful to have that "he said-she said" play by play to understand the dynamic between you two.

I won't be able to write a ton (weekends I don't have a good computer setup, this is being posted on a barely functional iPhone 4 ), but I wanted you to know your post was seen.

So reflecting on that conversation, what percent would you say was her talking/you listening, and what percent would you say was you talking/her listening?

Do you think you get any "vibes" from her (body language, tone, statements, etc) that communicated "pulling away", "pushing", "withdrawing", "overwhelmed", "resistant", "shutting down"?

Asking because sometimes when trying to repair or clarify with a pwBPD, it can be helpful to think of her as a "frightened animal" (and I mean that respectfully). Just because a horse has worn a bridle before, or other horses successfully wear bridles, doesn't mean that after your horse has had a bad experience with bridles, you can push it back on immediately. It may take a longer, slower process of having neutral-to-positive experiences around bridles for that horse to be ok with it again. Sorry to actual horse owners if I got that wrong.

It sounds like your conversation could have been a lot worse. She actually got on the call and you two had some dialogue. So that was good - and - I'm wondering if she still felt like she had to protect herself by insisting on maintaining distance, not saying "I love you", etc. So, I'm thinking she may have been "pushing back" a little to your explanations of how much you love and support her.

I'm wondering how it might go in your next conversation to turn down the reassurances a bit and open up the floor to her thoughts, feelings, reflections a little more. I understand that she did push back on that with her "is this therapy" statement, but it might be interesting to have shorter conversations where she doesn't get overwhelmed (and she comes away from them with a neutral-to-positive impression) vs longer conversations where she may fear being engulfed.

Any of that seem possible?

Effective communication with a pwBPD can be kind of unintuitive, but from the sound of it, she isn't totally closed off to more calls, so you will likely have another opportunity to practice some new skills and approaches.

Hope that's helpful food for thought. This is definitely a marathon, not a sprint.

[hopefulrromantic]

So reflecting on that conversation, what percent would you say was her talking/you listening, and what percent would you say was you talking/her listening?

If I had to give a percentage it was 80/20 with me leading since I was the one that initiated contact and asked a majority of questions.

Do you think you get any "vibes" from her (body language, tone, statements, etc) that communicated "pulling away", "pushing", "withdrawing", "overwhelmed", "resistant", "shutting down"?

Since she did not appear on camera, I could not get any vibes from body language but her voice was very direct and at times she stuttered a bit.

Referring to the "frightened animal" comparison, I understand what you mean. In this instance I would have to be a lot more calm and allow her to make the moves/decisions she needs to without pushing it. So this is definitely one that would take a little bit more slowness.

I'm wondering how it might go in your next conversation to turn down the reassurances a bit and open up the floor to her thoughts, feelings, reflections a little more. I understand that she did push back on that with her "is this therapy" statement, but it might be interesting to have shorter conversations where she doesn't get overwhelmed (and she comes away from them with a neutral-to-positive impression) vs longer conversations where she may fear being engulfed.

This is definitely what my approach will be, but I'm wondering what my responses should be if she responds with not wanting to be together/talk to me. This is where I'd ask for any help with steps towards more positive/neutral responses from her and how to achieve that.

Thank you once again.

[hopefulrromantic]

I'm not sure if common forum etiquette is applied here but I had to make a second post in order to cover what's recently happened.

Back on Saturday, upon sending her photos from my trip, she mentioned that she "still doesn't think it's a good idea" for her and I to talk but she is going to be texting me about February. She expressed being happy for me going on this trip and all that.

I thanked her and reaffirmed that I was here for her and I always will be, emphasizing that I'm not going anywhere.

Yesterday I was feeling very weak and texted her a good morning and asked how her weekend was, then hours later followed up with pictures from a recent vacation we both had where we were smiling and having a good time. I mentioned how I was happy to see these photos pop up on my phone's feed (through a Photos app) and that I hope it makes her feel happy as well, then telling her to let me know if seeing these is too much right now.

Since then, I'm not sure why but I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that she may have found someone else, I can't really explain it but even though she told me she was not dating anyone, I have the explicit fear that she's telling me this in an attempt to avoid the fallout of me leaving this home which puts her in a spot where she is then forced to either pay double/triple the rent to break the lease or forces her to live back here and pay rent again. As I mentioned previously, I have been paying her part and my part of the rent since i moved in and that hasn't changed since it's just H and I living together here now while K is up in Atlanta.

For now, I think LC is fine as I can give her the floor to respond to whatever this is and I will respect her request for NC if need be, but part of me is worried about having to wait yet another two months before I end up seeing/hearing from her. Sometimes I just wish one of her friends can recognize that none of this is okay and the way it's gone about is not okay either, but instead it's like I'm waging a one man battle trying to keep my sanity, work on myself as I have been, and also be patient for her.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do at this stage? I'm trying my hardest to avoid getting any mutual contacts involved but it's getting increasingly difficult as a lot of her friends are either ignoring me or giving me incredibly short responses to regular conversation.