Coming to Terms

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Dear Community,

I'm an adult child of a mother with undiagnosed BPD.  I have recently started therapy and am so overwhelmed by it all.

My mother married my father in a very religious community and divorced him before he even knew she was pregnant.  This was very stigmatized in the community.  I was raised to believe that he was not a good person and was not interested in a relationship with me because I was a girl.  I reconnected with this side of the family recently (in my 30s) without telling my mother and learned that none of this was true.  He has four children ( 2 girls and 2 boys) and one stepdaughter through his second marriage and told me he always wished that he was able to have a relationship with me.  It's a complicated story but has made me much more resentful of my mother.  I haven't shared any of this with her.  I feel as though she used him to have a baby and didn't even consider what it might mean to me not to know my biological father and carry negative feelings of him my whole life.  I feel like I was robbed of having a relationship with a father because she decided she didn't like him a few weeks into marriage.

I moved out of the house at age 17 once I graduated high school and went to college on the other side of the country following recommendations from trusted teachers to escape a complicated home life.  I married my husband 5 years ago and my mother requested to move in with us to provide childcare to our new baby.  I should have known better but the time and distance gave me enough space to think it might be a good idea.

My mother moved into a separate basement apartment.  She provided childcare during the pandemic, which we still view as a blessing from a safety and risk reduction perspective.  However as time went by she became more and more difficult for us to live with and manage.  She initially agreed to watch our baby in exchange for housing and utilities.  She then requested that we pay her, which I did not agree with as it was not part of our arrangement.  I told her that we would pay her if she moved out so that we could rent the space to someone else, but that this was not financially a possibility.  She screamed at myself and my husband that we "are family, and you can't nickel and dime me!".  We didn't speak for several months after this though she continued to watch our baby.

She was very challenging to live with.  She put a doorbell on her door to the basement and requested that we ring it and wait for her to answer, but came to see us whenever she would like, including walking in while I was taking a shower or using the restroom (which she never did when I was a child).  She did not offer to help us outside of watching our baby and was so regimented with the time of drop off and pick up that my husband set an alarm on his phone so he wouldn't be one minute late or early.  I always think that she did a great job taking care of our baby, but she treated us like we were clients, not family members.  It felt very transactional and put my husband in a hard spot with her.  She would ask us to be lenient with her but would not allow us the same courtesy.  It was confusing and hurtful coming from my mother.

She complained to me about my husband a lot behind his back.  If she needed help with something it needed to be done RIGHT NOW.  She could not wait until we finished a task or put the baby to bed- she would constantly nag us until it was completed.  My husband and I both very much adopted the mentality that it was easier to do the task rather than listen to her complain about it.

Things were difficult but acceptable until I had my second child.  I was leaving a difficult work situation and starting a new job around the time of my maternity leave.  I worked when my baby was 8 weeks old until she was about 4 months, then took another 5 week leave to spend with my children and recover from a difficult previous job before starting the new role.  My mother used this time to find a plastic surgeon and have a major cosmetic surgical procedure performed.  She asked if I would help her and told me the recovery would be about a week but she should be able to do most things on her own.  I hesitated and she pushed; ultimately I agreed. 

She had a major cosmetic procedure and unfortunately had a severe postoperative infection.  For three weeks, while caring for my 2 year old and 4 month old, I took care of her every need.  I helped her to the bathroom, distributed her medications, took her for multiple visits to the doctor and emergency room for a wound infection, took care of her two birds and dog, did her laundry, cleaned, made her three meals a day, and ran to the store to get her necessities and medications.  She was taking a lot of pain medication and treated me unkindly while medicated, which I attributed to the medication.  I became very angry at the end of it- I was supposed to have time to decompress and enjoy my kids before starting a new job, and I was robbed of that.  It was my own fault for agreeing but I swore to myself that I would never forget this experience and how poorly she treated me.  At the end of the whole ordeal she became very anxious and was ultimately admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for an episode of mania.  I visited her daily and took care of all of her pets and needs at home.

Once she was discharged from the hospital and recovered, my husband and I decided that we did not feel comfortable with her continuing to provide childcare given her recent hospitalization for mania and continued cosmetic surgery recovery.  We had a sit down talk and told her that we all needed to take a break and would be finding alternate child care for 3 months while she recovered.  We also asked her to move out of the house because the living situation was becoming unhealthy.  She was clearly very hurt by all of this, which was expected.  She told us that it was going to take up to a year to leave.  I thought that this was unreasonable but I told myself to be patient.  We told her we would do what we could to help her relocate, and that we were open to her watching our children after a period of time and full medical and psychiatric recovery.

Ultimately she finally began to make moves to leave about 9 months after our original conversation.  We did not charge her rent and regularly included her in family dinners and excursions.  We always treated her like family.  She began to experience mania, insomnia, and overwhelming anxiety while beginning to look for a new place to live in her home state.  She was ultimately admitted to inpatient psychiatric units three times over the course of 5 weeks.  She made a suicide attempt in the basement of my home, while my husband, myself, and my children were at home.  We called 911 and I stayed with her during her transport and evaluation in the ED prior to her psychiatric admission.

With our help she has moved out of our house to an apartment.  Some family members spoke to her on the phone, but no one helped us.  It was me and my husband, and my husband's incredible friends who physically moved all of her belongings. 

I feel incredibly guilty, sad, resentful, angry, confused, isolated, pissed off.  I feel so bad for her.  I am working with my therapist and she recommended a support group to connect with others.  It has been one of the most challenging periods of my life.

I have struggled my entire adult life in establishing boundaries, but i now realize I especially struggle with this with my mother.  Anytime I tell her no I feel like I am abandoning her, because she has no one else.  I struggle talking about my feelings with her, and I now recognize that this is the case because I am scared of her.

I have been obsessed with thoughts of what it means to be a "good" daughter.  I think that what it means to both myself and my mother is that I do everything I can to help her.  The problem is, in doing so, I feel completely powerless, scared, and at the mercy of someone who honestly will never be happy, no matter what I do for her.  When I do things that are helpful at my own expense, this is assumed and she complains about anything she can think of.  If I refuse to help her, she becomes enraged and angry, and does not speak to me.

I feel that some of my family judges the decisions that I have made.  I have made them not to be mean or punishing, but to establish boundaries and take charge and responsibility for my own life.  Especially now that I have two young children.

I love my mother very much.  I think she is a kind and empathetic person who had a challenging upbringing and suffers from BPD.  I do not believe she has been formally diagnosed, but she is working with a therapist now.  I do not know how to have a good relationship with her.  I am closed off and scared of her.  I have learned not to rock the boat.  But having kids and a husband has changed the way I have to behave if I want to survive and have a chance at living a happy life.  I appreciate all that she has done for me, and I think she has so many good qualities.  I think that she gets in her own way all of the time, doesn't think things through, is extremely impulsive and does whatever she wants without thinking of the consequences.  It's really been exhausting.

I'm looking to establish a community and also to hear stories of others affected by parents with BPD.  My husband has been a wonderful support, but it's been a scary and somewhat isolated road.  None of my friends really understand.  I want to have a good relationship with her and I want her to spend time with and having a loving relationship with her grandkids.  I know that she has good intentions, but she always gets in her own way.

[AdultChildofBP11]

Dear Community,

I'm an adult child of a mother with undiagnosed BPD.  I have recently started therapy and am so overwhelmed by it all.

My mother married my father in a very religious community and divorced him before he even knew she was pregnant.  This was very stigmatized in the community.  I was raised to believe that he was not a good person and was not interested in a relationship with me because I was a girl.  I reconnected with this side of the family recently (in my 30s) without telling my mother and learned that none of this was true.  He has four children ( 2 girls and 2 boys) and one stepdaughter through his second marriage and told me he always wished that he was able to have a relationship with me.  It's a complicated story but has made me much more resentful of my mother.  I haven't shared any of this with her.  I feel as though she used him to have a baby and didn't even consider what it might mean to me not to know my biological father and carry negative feelings of him my whole life.  I feel like I was robbed of having a relationship with a father because she decided she didn't like him a few weeks into marriage.

I moved out of the house at age 17 once I graduated high school and went to college on the other side of the country following recommendations from trusted teachers to escape a complicated home life.  I married my husband 5 years ago and my mother requested to move in with us to provide childcare to our new baby.  I should have known better but the time and distance gave me enough space to think it might be a good idea.

My mother moved into a separate basement apartment.  She provided childcare during the pandemic, which we still view as a blessing from a safety and risk reduction perspective.  However as time went by she became more and more difficult for us to live with and manage.  She initially agreed to watch our baby in exchange for housing and utilities.  She then requested that we pay her, which I did not agree with as it was not part of our arrangement.  I told her that we would pay her if she moved out so that we could rent the space to someone else, but that this was not financially a possibility.  She screamed at myself and my husband that we "are family, and you can't nickel and dime me!".  We didn't speak for several months after this though she continued to watch our baby.

She was very challenging to live with.  She put a doorbell on her door to the basement and requested that we ring it and wait for her to answer, but came to see us whenever she would like, including walking in while I was taking a shower or using the restroom (which she never did when I was a child).  She did not offer to help us outside of watching our baby and was so regimented with the time of drop off and pick up that my husband set an alarm on his phone so he wouldn't be one minute late or early.  I always think that she did a great job taking care of our baby, but she treated us like we were clients, not family members.  It felt very transactional and put my husband in a hard spot with her.  She would ask us to be lenient with her but would not allow us the same courtesy.  It was confusing and hurtful coming from my mother.

She complained to me about my husband a lot behind his back.  If she needed help with something it needed to be done RIGHT NOW.  She could not wait until we finished a task or put the baby to bed- she would constantly nag us until it was completed.  My husband and I both very much adopted the mentality that it was easier to do the task rather than listen to her complain about it.

Things were difficult but acceptable until I had my second child.  I was leaving a difficult work situation and starting a new job around the time of my maternity leave.  I worked when my baby was 8 weeks old until she was about 4 months, then took another 5 week leave to spend with my children and recover from a difficult previous job before starting the new role.  My mother used this time to find a plastic surgeon and have a major cosmetic surgical procedure performed.  She asked if I would help her and told me the recovery would be about a week but she should be able to do most things on her own.  I hesitated and she pushed; ultimately I agreed. 

She had a major cosmetic procedure and unfortunately had a severe postoperative infection.  For three weeks, while caring for my 2 year old and 4 month old, I took care of her every need.  I helped her to the bathroom, distributed her medications, took her for multiple visits to the doctor and emergency room for a wound infection, took care of her two birds and dog, did her laundry, cleaned, made her three meals a day, and ran to the store to get her necessities and medications.  She was taking a lot of pain medication and treated me unkindly while medicated, which I attributed to the medication.  I became very angry at the end of it- I was supposed to have time to decompress and enjoy my kids before starting a new job, and I was robbed of that.  It was my own fault for agreeing but I swore to myself that I would never forget this experience and how poorly she treated me.  At the end of the whole ordeal she became very anxious and was ultimately admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for an episode of mania.  I visited her daily and took care of all of her pets and needs at home.

Once she was discharged from the hospital and recovered, my husband and I decided that we did not feel comfortable with her continuing to provide childcare given her recent hospitalization for mania and continued cosmetic surgery recovery.  We had a sit down talk and told her that we all needed to take a break and would be finding alternate child care for 3 months while she recovered.  We also asked her to move out of the house because the living situation was becoming unhealthy.  She was clearly very hurt by all of this, which was expected.  She told us that it was going to take up to a year to leave.  I thought that this was unreasonable but I told myself to be patient.  We told her we would do what we could to help her relocate, and that we were open to her watching our children after a period of time and full medical and psychiatric recovery.

Ultimately she finally began to make moves to leave about 9 months after our original conversation.  We did not charge her rent and regularly included her in family dinners and excursions.  We always treated her like family.  She began to experience mania, insomnia, and overwhelming anxiety while beginning to look for a new place to live in her home state.  She was ultimately admitted to inpatient psychiatric units three times over the course of 5 weeks.  She made a suicide attempt in the basement of my home, while my husband, myself, and my children were at home.  We called 911 and I stayed with her during her transport and evaluation in the ED prior to her psychiatric admission.

With our help she has moved out of our house to an apartment.  Some family members spoke to her on the phone, but no one helped us.  It was me and my husband, and my husband's incredible friends who physically moved all of her belongings. 

I feel incredibly guilty, sad, resentful, angry, confused, isolated, pissed off.  I feel so bad for her.  I am working with my therapist and she recommended a support group to connect with others.  It has been one of the most challenging periods of my life.

I have struggled my entire adult life in establishing boundaries, but i now realize I especially struggle with this with my mother.  Anytime I tell her no I feel like I am abandoning her, because she has no one else.  I struggle talking about my feelings with her, and I now recognize that this is the case because I am scared of her.

I have been obsessed with thoughts of what it means to be a "good" daughter.  I think that what it means to both myself and my mother is that I do everything I can to help her.  The problem is, in doing so, I feel completely powerless, scared, and at the mercy of someone who honestly will never be happy, no matter what I do for her.  When I do things that are helpful at my own expense, this is assumed and she complains about anything she can think of.  If I refuse to help her, she becomes enraged and angry, and does not speak to me.

I feel that some of my family judges the decisions that I have made.  I have made them not to be mean or punishing, but to establish boundaries and take charge and responsibility for my own life.  Especially now that I have two young children.

I love my mother very much.  I think she is a kind and empathetic person who had a challenging upbringing and suffers from BPD.  I do not believe she has been formally diagnosed, but she is working with a therapist now.  I do not know how to have a good relationship with her.  I am closed off and scared of her.  I have learned not to rock the boat.  But having kids and a husband has changed the way I have to behave if I want to survive and have a chance at living a happy life.  I appreciate all that she has done for me, and I think she has so many good qualities.  I think that she gets in her own way all of the time, doesn't think things through, is extremely impulsive and does whatever she wants without thinking of the consequences.  It's really been exhausting.

I'm looking to establish a community and also to hear stories of others affected by parents with BPD.  My husband has been a wonderful support, but it's been a scary and somewhat isolated road.  None of my friends really understand.  I want to have a good relationship with her and I want her to spend time with and having a loving relationship with her grandkids.  I know that she has good intentions, but she always gets in her own way.

[zachira]

You are not alone in having a mother with BPD and challenged in setting boundaries with her to protect yourself and your own family. Many members on this site have very similar experiences to yours. We share and learn from each other. Your story resonates with me that indeed my mother with BPD did some really nice things for me, and at the same time was very dysregulated which really harmed her children. My mother with BPD is deceased. Good to hear you are in therapy as there are few people you can share your experiences with your mother who will understand. We get it here. Many members like myself have been posting here for several years as we learn better ways to set effective boundaries with our disordered family members, and above all, we come to realize that how badly we are treated by our disordered family members is about how they feel inside and has nothing to do with us.

[TelHill]

Hello AdultChildofBP 

Welcome to the forum.

I am a middle-aged daughter of an elderly mother with diagnosed BPD. I'm really sorry she's brought painful challenges to your life. Mine has as well.

It's difficult to help a BPD parent when your good actions are met with indifference, abuse or deemed not good enough. It's overwhelming for me because all the childhood memories of her painful abuse come back. She has been kind to me materially- giving me practical gifts (blankets, sweaters, kitchen items ) and good amounts of money out of the blue. It's a classic push-pull of a BPD parent: being loving and then being spiteful and cruel.

I also left home at 18 to attend college far from home to get away from my FOO. I lived on the opposite coast after graduation for six years. It was nice to be free from her.

I'm glad you're in therapy. I've found the religion I was brought up in to be very helpful in dealing with my mother. The meditations and prayers are healing. It's definitely not everyone's thing. Many find meditating daily (no religion involved) is a big, big help.

There's a 12 step group called CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA) which is helping me move on from the conditioning I received growing up to be responsible for her wants and needs while ignoring my own. I was a parent to her starting from my earliest memories. Many of the participants have had hard childhoods and need help setting firm boundaries.

My mother was diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist she saw as an outpatient after an inpatient psychiatric hospitalization for deep depression. She doesn't speak English well (the rest of my FOO was born overseas--am the only one born in the US). It was difficult to find DBT therapists who spoke her language but I did. She refused to go see them.  It was heartbreaking for me but obviously I can't force her to go.

I hope you find some clarity and relief from this.

[Notwendy]

There are several of us here who struggle with how to "help" a mother with BPD. I posted this article a while back. I think the author describes how it feels well.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.htmld

I also left home for college and after a while, felt that my BPD mother had improved. She actually had not, but I was not living at home and so didn't see her behaviors at home. It was when my father got ill and I tried to help that I felt the division of how much is enough? What about my own family?

I also went to 12 step groups. Boundaries were an issue for me. Saying no to my BPD mother is very difficult. She expects complete compliance. Yes, if she wants something it has to be done immediately.   No matter what I do for her, it seems something wasn't acceptable to her.

It also seems we won't feel comfortable with having boundaries with our mothers as that won't meet their expectations, but also I don't think it's possible to meet my mother's expectations.

You did try to have a reasonable relationship with your mother. I find the  change in her behavior interesting. She began by helping you, and then you became her caretaker. The infection from her surgery was accidental- and you did what anyone would do- help her during this time- but once she recovered physically and you tried to back off the caeretaking, the behaviors escalated, especially at the time you began asking her to move out.

My BPD mother has a large emotional need to have someone caretake her. The way she relates to me is that my role is to caretake her either by doing things for her personally or tasks for her. I don't mind helping - but there is a different quality to these interactions with my mother. Her need for caretaking is emotional and is constant. So I can see where your backing off of caretaking your mother was difficult. However, you have your own family to take care of and also need to take care of yourself. This is a reasonable and essential boundary.

[Notwendy]

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

Try this link

[So Stressed]

OMG, NotWendy, that is such a good article.  I could really relate to it.  I tried everything to put care in place for my mother. She would not have outside services or subsidized services, would not agree to an assessment so she could have subsidized housing, wanted me to pay for private seniors home that she couldn't afford ...

[Notwendy]

Mine is doing all she can to become financially strapped and won't cooperate with any plans we have made to prevent it. Her family has tried too. She has made it clear to us that she doesn't care.

She's doing the push -pull with her medical providers. She's non compliant and they are frustrated. They get to the point where they are telling her they can't provide treatment since she doesn't comply with it. Then, she does for a while and so they have to document compliance. The nurses at her assisted living are all burned out on her- then she complains about them. I don't blame them.

We have these conversations where she tells me how miserable she is abd needs more care. I remind her that she rejected the idea of a nursing home and she says no she didn't. So I remind her and she says "that was a month ago, it's different now" so I bring up the idea again and she then tells me all the reasons that is not an acceptable solution. So I bring up another one and she rejects that too. So she's in an assisted living upscale room that she can not afford, she's draining her savings, will not move to a smaller room to conserve resources, or slow down her spending and there is nothing anyone can do since she's "legally competent".

The line in the article that resonated with me is her "what monster leaves her mother homeless-- I am that monster" because, it seems that is the result of us trying all we can to assist and facing non cooperation and sabotage.

What kind of monster doesn't want to help caretake their elderly mother? I am that monster- but it's not for lack of wanting to have a relationship with her. It's after decades of trying with no success and watching others do the same- family, friends, and now- the medical providers.  They are professionals, they don't want to be doing a bad job- but when she undoes all their treatment, and then complains they didn't do enough for her, what are they supposed to do?