New here

[Sha]

Hi. I’m hoping this site can help me move forward. Long story short- my mom raised me ambivalently & used me to raise my two much younger siblings (1 has bpd) & basically cook, clean & be her (my mother)
Last year my mom suddenly died & so did both my younger brother & my older brother (I was his guardian)
The grief was overwhelming & I ended up in therapy where I became aware of my sisters bpd. I’ve had to cut off communication with her because she sees me as her parent & treats me terribly. My therapist said she only has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old & will not be able to have a decent relationship with me.
I feel guilty abandoning her but don’t miss the drama. She has 0 relationship with anyone in the family now because everything was through me. (I understand that this is her responsibility, not mine)
I took her to my therapist to explain everything & she denied it all & continues to send cards & things gaslighting me about “I’m sorry you’re unhappy” & “I hope we can be close when you find happiness “
Does anyone have any experience with this & is there any hope for someone who absolutely refuses to even acknowledge any part in the problem?
I am strong enough to stay away if necessary but I wish it was possible to have a relationship, especially after half of my family died last year.
Thanks for your input in advance.

[TelHill]

Hello Sha,

Welcome to the forum.

Am really sorry about the passings in your family. I understand that your family is in the middle of grieving these losses.

I don't have a sibling with bpd but a mother. I don't have a warm and fuzzy mother-daughter relationship with her at all. Quite the opposite is true. She groomed me from a young age to be her parent. She's easily agitated, full of rage,  points out my real and imagined flaws, and only seems loving when she needs something.

I tried for many years and failed to convince her she was abusive and/or had the need for therapy to improve herself.  BPD sufferers often feel deep shame about themselves and project the bad feelings onto a loved one, become dysregulated (suffer from mood swings), have a poor sense of self.

There are tips and tricks on this website  which may help you communicate with her without feeling too out of whack. For me, I find it impossible to spend more than a few times per month visiting her. My mental health suffers if it's longer than that.

If you're in the US, the National Alliance on Mental Illness has support groups for loved ones of the mentally ill. That might help you.