pwBPD and health problems

[Chief Drizzt]

I’m pretty much care taking from two vantage points.  My wife w/ BPD has some serious debilitating health problems.  I’m curious to know if anyone else has a similar issue. 

My wife suffers from severe migraines, epileptic seizures, as well as issues with her digestive tract and pancreas - all of which cause her severe pain.  Because of this she is on a steady course of opioids and her doctor just gave her a medical marijuana card - all for the pain/seizures.  Because of this she has lost all independence which is a common complaint with her.  For starters she can’t drive. We have two cars - one of which is old and needs some repairs - yet she has it in her head that we should get a new car instead of putting money into repairs.  Every time I tell her that makes no sense to me she gets pissed and somehow thinks it is a slight against her if I suggest to just drop to one car - which has low mileage, in perfect condition, and just about paid off.

With regards to the old car - I’d like to keep it at least until the good one is paid off - in about 9 months or so - she agrees with that but I like having that car for my daughter when she comes home from college.  It needs some brake work and a new battery - when I suggest getting those repairs she interprets that as me loving my daughter more than I love her and goes off on a rant that I really don’t understand. I’m not sure what to do.  She says it’s stupid to sink another cent into the old car.  What she wants is to just not have that old car available and scrap it when we get a new one.  It seem to me that she wants to leave my daughter high and dry.  She also does not think our daughter should have access to the new car (when/if we get one) and that she should buy her own - though she said that whatever she puts into it we would match it dollar for dollar.  That is something we can do financially and I am agreeable to that - but I don’t think now is the time for that - mainly because she has no need of a car where she goes to college.

What do you all think?  Is what she wants unreasonable?  I don’t know if it’s just her BPD speaking or if she is right about the matter.  I really don’t want my daughter to dip into her savings while she is in college (particularly because she doesn’t need a car while she is at college) but maybe my wife is being more reasonable than I want to admit.  I need some insight.  What do you all think. Thanks.

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[Chief Drizzt]

I forgot to mention that I’m the sole breadwinner for the family and therefore I believe that I should have that final say with regards to financial matters like this.  I’ve always believed that what’s mine is hers and such - but I do feel like when it comes to stuff like this I should have the final say.  Is that wrong?

[SaltyDawg]

Chief,

   I am in agreement with you, being in a similar position as you are - I will validate your opinion.

   It makes no economic sense to buy a new car in this economy.  Most kids will have an accident as they think that they know everything, and it can't happen to them, it is better to have a sacrificial car for that.  My D already has been in one, it wasn't her fault, and their insurance paid for the repairs ($8k for a minor fender bender)  If you put a few hundred in it for new brakes and a battery, or you can spend $20k or more for a decent used car, or $30k or more for a decent new car.

   How to address your wife...  Show her your budget, the cost of a new car (they all have dealer mark-ups, at least they did a year ago when we shopped for one), go into a show room and look around.  The kbb trade-in is way undervalued for what dealers are charging for late model used cars.  Let her see what the dealer wants herself, hopefully she will get sticker shock and see that your way makes better economic sense.

   The best place for sticker shock is a Jeep dealer, for example a grand wagoneer, they want $115k + taxes and charges - that was a year ago when my wife and I looked.

   I do like your wife's matching dollar for dollar bit, and perhaps that could be part of a 'graduation gift' from college when she is setting out on her own.  I also agree with you now that it is not the time for that.

   Just be mindful, that your wife wants a reliable vehicle for your dear daughter, and that is understandable.  My wife has a fear of being stranded and has transferred / ascribed that fear to our daughter.  Is this a dynamic that is going on in your home?  If so, I can talk more about this aspect as well, than the purely financial one that you mentioned.

   Let me know.

   Take care.

SD

[Notwendy]

This has been a similar situation in my family and from what I observed, trying to reason with financial decisions with my mother does not work. Her feelings are based on her emotions. Feelings to her =facts. The spending on things she wants is a form of how she emotionally self soothes. If you deny what she wants, she feels you are denying her comfort and hurting her.

Dad made some decisions based on BPD mother's feelings that I thought were unreasonable, but reason doesn't have a place with her and I think he was trying to keep the peace.

The car situation has  been odd. At some point, BPD mother stopped driving and then she became dependent on Dad to drive. Eventually, in his elder years, Dad should not have been driving yet, she continued to insist her drive her. She even kept the car after he passed away, as she insisted she could drive it if she wanted to. Fortunately she didn't drive it but she insisted on keeping it- with the cost of insurance, taxes, repairs.

When it comes to spending money on what she wants- spending a lot of money doesn't bother her but for me, it was different. I think for her- Dad spending money on her was validating of his love for her and so if he spent money on me- that somehow "took away" from her?  Dad was the wage earner but she controlled the money. I just knew to not ask him.

I didn't have a car in college and didn't need one for on campus- but eventually did need one when I had a summer job off campus. I knew to not ask my parents. But looking back at this -having to rely on public transportation or friends to drive me and even borrowing friends' cars sometimes was not a situation I would want for my own child in terms of safety- you will have no idea who is driving the car your D is in. It also limited job possibilities as some were not on bus routes. Dad did buy one for me at graduation so I could get to my job.

I also don't think it's necessary to buy a teen/young adult a new car. A safe car is the priority. If it were me, I'd repair the old car and continue to pay off the loan for the new one. By that time, your D will be in her sophomore/junior year of college. This is the time when students seek out internships and other opportunities off campus that could benefit them. Many students want to live off campus at this time. She will need transportation for these opportunities. This is a good time to let her have the older car if it's safe and functional.

But dealing with your wife's feelings- that's less logical. If she can't drive, you only need one car, but you won't likely convince her with logic. You would just have to say no, but that might be harder.

[Chief Drizzt]

This has been a similar situation in my family and from what I observed, trying to reason with financial decisions with my mother does not work. Her feelings are based on her emotions. Feelings to her =facts. The spending on things she wants is a form of how she emotionally self soothes. If you deny what she wants, she feels you are denying her comfort and hurting her.

Dad made some decisions based on BPD mother's feelings that I thought were unreasonable, but reason doesn't have a place with her and I think he was trying to keep the peace.

The car situation has  been odd. At some point, BPD mother stopped driving and then she became dependent on Dad to drive. Eventually, in his elder years, Dad should not have been driving yet, she continued to insist her drive her. She even kept the car after he passed away, as she insisted she could drive it if she wanted to. Fortunately she didn't drive it but she insisted on keeping it- with the cost of insurance, taxes, repairs.

When it comes to spending money on what she wants- spending a lot of money doesn't bother her but for me, it was different. I think for her- Dad spending money on her was validating of his love for her and so if he spent money on me- that somehow "took away" from her?  Dad was the wage earner but she controlled the money. I just knew to not ask him.

I didn't have a car in college and didn't need one for on campus- but eventually did need one when I had a summer job off campus. I knew to not ask my parents. But looking back at this -having to rely on public transportation or friends to drive me and even borrowing friends' cars sometimes was not a situation I would want for my own child in terms of safety- you will have no idea who is driving the car your D is in. It also limited job possibilities as some were not on bus routes. Dad did buy one for me at graduation so I could get to my job.

I also don't think it's necessary to buy a teen/young adult a new car. A safe car is the priority. If it were me, I'd repair the old car and continue to pay off the loan for the new one. By that time, your D will be in her sophomore/junior year of college. This is the time when students seek out internships and other opportunities off campus that could benefit them. Many students want to live off campus at this time. She will need transportation for these opportunities. This is a good time to let her have the older car if it's safe and functional.

But dealing with your wife's feelings- that's less logical. If she can't drive, you only need one car, but you won't likely convince her with logic. You would just have to say no, but that might be harder.

Thanks for your perspective, NW.  Your college situation seems very similar to my daughter’s currently.  She is also at a college with awesome public transportation - which she uses as her primary means of transportation while she is there.  I don’t have a problem with it as it’s a college town and the only people using the transit system are college kids - 90 percent anyway.  When she comes home in summer and breaks she works at a local coffee shop as a barista and so she needs the car for that primarily. 

I agree - as I would not want to get a teen a new car.  My wife wants us to have two new cars (which makes no sense) and the daughter to have her own used car.  My deal is that if I cave and get the new car (which I probably won’t) I would want our daughter to use that while she is home and working.  No matter the scenario I would want to hold off on getting her a car of her own until end of Junior year or even graduation.

With regards to your Dad “just keeping the peace.”  That has been a lot of what I do - though now with the last kid out I’m being a bit more resistant - as my primary reason for keeping the peace was for the kids’ sake. 

[Notwendy]

With regards to your Dad “just keeping the peace.”  That has been a lot of what I do - though now with the last kid out I’m being a bit more resistant - as my primary reason for keeping the peace was for the kids’ sake. 

I think it's good to have boundaries. Giving in to keep the peace just led to more of the same and made it harder to say no since she expected the give in. I also know how difficult it is to say no to my BPD mother, so I wish you luck with this.

Your D sounds like she's level headed and that's good. One thing to keep in mind is if she decides on something different than the coffee shop job. That's a good starting job- I also worked at food service jobs to start with. But later on - some students look at internships that also can lead to jobs after college and having transportation may help make these possible. I think hanging on to the old one if it works and is safe is an option if she needs one.

[SaltyDawg]

Chief,

NW has great thoughts on this too, and she can articulate it a bit better than me.

I am in agreement; however, do what is best for your situation.  Make a list of pros/cons, and what works for your particular situation.  As long as the old car is safe and well maintained, it should be a good vehicle for your D.

Sleep on it, and you do you; however, do let your wife know of your thought processes when she is regulated (reasonable and not irrational) - use the seed planting tool, make a few statements, and add to those statements each time the topic is brought up.  Simple as that.  The 'seed planting' tool is my favorite tool for dealing with my wife's sometimes irrational behaviors.

Take care.

SD