Hi Todo89, I'd like to join jaded7 in welcoming you to the site
It's insightful of you to be able to acknowledge this:
My spouse’s borderline episodes are controlling our life. We live in a constant state of ”reactive” to chaos.
I read you writing "our" and "we" -- this is a family dynamic, not "just her issue".
We're glad you reached out, because even when the pwBPD (person with BPD) can't, won't, or doesn't engage in treatment, the other family members can make meaningful changes that improve the relational dynamic.
So don't lose heart. Even if right now your W isn't in therapy, you can still do things 100% under your control, that don't require her agreement or cooperation, to make changes.
...
One of the more unintuitive parts of caring for someone with BPD is related to this:
We both need hope, guidance, and direction. I am losing myself in trying to help her find hers.
It's like trying to save a drowning person in choppy waves when you have no lifejacket, no raft, no rope to throw, and nobody coming in as backup. It doesn't help pwBPD for you to lose yourself trying to save them! The most helpful thing you can do is to work on yourself and your own health and stability, including learning and applying new tools, skills, and approaches.
...
In order to understand your situation a bit more, I'm curious -- how long have you and your W been together? Do you have any kids? And have things always been "this bad", or was there a time when things were more stable? Any big incidents (death, moving, divorce, job loss, etc) happen during your marriage?
As you settle in here, take a look at our section of articles on
When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd be interested to hear what resonates with you.
-kells76
