The never-ending cycle that is slowly killing me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Where to begin? In five short months I have managed to endure a decade of pain by reconnecting with a woman I met 24 years ago, who has undiagnosed BPD. My sister in law is a psychiatrist, and after sharing some of my tribulations with her, she is 100-% certain that this woman has BPD, but could also be suffering from a host of other personality disorders. In October, she had me removed from her house by the police. In November she came to my house and ended up physically attacking me. In December I agreed to move into her house with her, only to have her kick me out 8 days later. I suppose I should mention that she lives on the east coast, while I live on the west. She blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. I am not being dramatic when I say that this is killing me. I cannot break with this woman.

[seamus_t]

Where to begin? In five short months I have managed to endure a decade of pain by reconnecting with a woman I met 24 years ago, who has undiagnosed BPD. My sister in law is a psychiatrist, and after sharing some of my tribulations with her, she is 100-% certain that this woman has BPD, but could also be suffering from a host of other personality disorders. In October, she had me removed from her house by the police. In November she came to my house and ended up physically attacking me. In December I agreed to move into her house with her, only to have her kick me out 8 days later. I suppose I should mention that she lives on the east coast, while I live on the west. She blames me for everything that is wrong with her life. I am not being dramatic when I say that this is killing me. I cannot break with this woman.

[kells76]

Hi seamus_t and welcome to the group. You're definitely with others here who understand that even after everything you've been through, it can be so difficult to enact that final breakup. If it were as easy as just logically moving on, none of us would be here!

So you two live on opposite coasts and she kicked you out 8 days ago... Where are you staying right now? And are you still in touch with your sister? She sounds like a good resource for support for you right now.

Would you say that logically you know you should not be in the relationship, but emotionally you feel pulled back? Is that close, or would you describe it differently?


Hope to hear more of your story, whenever works for you;

kells76

[seamus_t]

Hi kells76, Thank you for reaching out.

Today is the 31st of January, and today was the day I finally walked away. Hey, that sounds like a lyric to a country song. ugh

There has been a tether between the two of us for the past couple of months, and that was that was the help I was giving her with her start up business. This morning I had to telephone her local sign contractor concerning a design file that I sent him for her sign. During the conversation he mentioned that he hadn’t even spoken with her, because he had been dealing with her “business partner, Frank.”

Who’s Frank? Frank is a 78 year old local business man that she had been “working” for eight years prior to leaving his employ 6 months ago. He’s 78. She’s 46. It’s spinning my head to find out that all of this time, she has been cuddling up with this guy that she claimed to be a narcissistic abuser. I know, this sounds a little far-reaching, but I will tell you that this radical unveiling of painful truth just might have been the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me considering everything that I have been through with this woman.

So I texted her, and asked her if Frank was her business partner, and she denied it, until she could deny it no more, and that’s when the flagrant four-letter words started flying from her texting fingertips, and she called me sick and twisted, and severely deranged. Which, if my spidey-sense are working correctly, are the words that describe the way she feels about herself.

How could I have been so stupid? I mean, I’m Irish, I’m supposed to be impervious to this sorta-thing? Or was that psychoanalysis? Ask Sigmond.

Anyway, so I’m still in shock after today’s discoveries, most of which was her admitting to cheating on me throughout the relationship. “I will F___ who I want to, and it’s none of your business! You don’t add anything to my life so you can F’off.”. Brilliant.

Someone said I should seek out a CODA meeting in my city. Then someone else told me that they’re a useless waste of time. I’m just spinning as the night grows darker, and that ever-present evening based heaping helping of anxiety slowly creeps in. I’m not a praying man, but perhaps it’s worth a shot.

Slainte’

[kells76]

Today is the 31st of January, and today was the day I finally walked away. Hey, that sounds like a lyric to a country song. ugh

Sometimes you can either laugh or cry -- or both, I guess 

Anyway, so I’m still in shock after today’s discoveries, most of which was her admitting to cheating on me throughout the relationship. “I will F___ who I want to, and it’s none of your business! You don’t add anything to my life so you can F’off.”. Brilliant.

Who wouldn't be in shock after a betrayal like that? You thought you two were committed, but she had different values and priorities... that you only just found out.

Someone said I should seek out a CODA meeting in my city. Then someone else told me that they’re a useless waste of time. I’m just spinning as the night grows darker, and that ever-present evening based heaping helping of anxiety slowly creeps in. I’m not a praying man, but perhaps it’s worth a shot.

I think it can depend more on the specific meeting (specific leaders/members) versus "CODA" in general. You can always go to one meeting and then decide if the feel/tone works for you. They can't make you keep going.

Many members here have found some kind of structured, in-person group to be helpful in processing the grief, anger, and sadness of a BPD relationship. We played our parts, too: "the nice guy", "the supporter", "I bent over backwards for him", "I gave her everything she wanted", etc, and CODA may be a helpful place to start untangling our side of things.

I didn't do CODA but have needed individual therapy and/or marriage counseling for the last >10 years (my H does not have BPD but his kids' mom has many traits). So, if you find that CODA is not a good fit, consider looking for a counselor.

...

How are you doing with everything, today?