I don’t know how to fix my relationship

[somedude123]

So I have been dating this girl who has bpd for 3 months. It has been really great and I love her. We both are university students and we had our finals couple of weeks ago. As someone who has anxiety disorder it’s been quite though. I normally have a lot of relationship anxiety and my SO would normally be ok with it and help me out by giving me assurance and I would normally be in control of my anxiety. But during the finals I couldn’t control it and we had quite a few fights. She has been so distant with me for the past month it’s like I’m not her boyfriend just a friend she sees once in a while. I got suspicious due to my anxiety and went through her phone but she figured it out and assured me there was nothing to worry about. But after that she didn’t talk to me for days. Two weeks passed and she went back home but she was still angry. Last week as I didn’t want another argument I deleted a text that I wrote when I felt anxious in the middle of the night. At 3 am she texted me back saying she didn’t saw what I wrote because she was asleep. I lied because I didn’t want another fight but as it turns out she saw what I texted. She said she wanted a break because I lied and tried to manipulate her. A week has passed and we started talking a little but she is still angry with me and ghosts me quite often. She gets distant when she’s stressed and she’s never been this stressed before. She also feels depressed and whenever I try to help her or talk to her about it she gets angry. I don’t want to lose her but I looks like I am. What should I do I have no idea how to manage this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tina7868]

Hi somedude123! This sounds like a lot to be going through, especially during finals season! I`m sorry about your situation, but welcome you to the community, where you will meet a lot of members here who can understand your experience.

I can personally relate to your experience, as the main part of my relationship with my ex occured when we were university students.

It sounds like the anxiety you experienced pushed you into doing something you wouldn`t normally do in going through her phone, and sending messages in the middle of night that you regret sending. Again, I can relate to anxiety driving actions that are out of character!

You also describe her as more distant, and you want to help her by talking, but she gets angry.

A lot of elements at play!

What I`d start by saying is that you`re at a time in your life where you`re still getting to know yourself : your attachment styles, what you want from a relationship, how to be a good partner, what you expect from a partner. These things can be learned through introspection, but a bulk of it also comes from experience. Which included making mistakes, so be easy on yourself! So, although it may feel like there is a lot of urgency in `fixing` this here and now, remember that, whatever happens, you are going to learn.

Like I said, there are a lot of elements at play to be explored, but for now, prioritize your own peace of mind. How can you soothe yourself, gain the space you need for some perspective? Are there any calming activities that help you (journaling, meditating, exercising)? Getting more grounded first will allow you to approach the situation feeling more in control (which is key when addressing anxiety).

Please keep sharing!