My Son "K"

[BrighterTomorrow]

Because I neglected him as a child my son K "split," when he was four years old. By the time he was five years old he was showing his rage. He was expelled from kindergarten, and I took him to a therapist. The therapist said all he needed was a father figure. In pursuing this I ended up neglecting my son even more.

Today, K is fifty-three and when I lived with him, he was very abusive. He hit me and called me names. I moved out and now I love him from a distance with firm boundaries.

I love my son. My daughter died and he is all I have left. I have forgiven him and now I am learning to forgive myself for my part in all this. But it is hard. I need support.

Recently, my son called to say he had a dream that explained why he was so angry. He had to go into the hospital when he was four and could not stop crying for two months.

This was the first time K has admitted that he has psychological issues left over from child.

We had an argument last month and now I am keeping my distance, but I need to process all this toxic guilt. I believe that I will always have remorse, but I want God to life my toxic guilt.

Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome,
No parent is perfect . Here is a link that may help.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=49127.0

While environment does play a part, there is evidence of internal, genetic factors as well.
Please write more here as you are able.  

[Pook075]

Welcome Brighter.  I'm going to say a few tough things here, but know that they're coming from a place of love.

First, your son is responsible for himself.  You are responsible for you.  This is his issue and it's easier to blame you than to deal with himself.  That's why every single person is here; they're being abused and guilted into feeling like someone else's problems are all our fault.  But that's not true...not even close.

Second, I don't know what kind of dad you were.  But if you're here and you made efforts back then, then you couldn't have been terrible.  You weren't perfect because none of us are, so forgive yourself.

Third, a therapist saying a kid needs a dad can mean many different things.  An out of control kid needs a father that leads with love, but also disciplines and teaches right from wrong.  Your son struggled to learn those lessons, like many BPD's that are discussed here.  That's not your fault.

Fourth, the thing about a dream of crying for months when he was four...unless there's an extreme backstory here, I would not accept that blame.  BPD's by nature are unstable and get incredibly sad when they don't get their way.  Was your kid sad because you didn't buy him a new bike or take him to Disney?  Or maybe you punished him for something he did.  I don't know that part of the story, but a returning dream to "explain" 50 years of bad behavior is complete bull.

[Ourworld]

Dear BrighterTomorrow,

Realize that your son’s accusations are his messed up thoughts, and you certainly cannot control that, therefore you have no reason to feel any guilt!

The only person’s behavior and beliefs you can control and should even think about is how you are doing now; you cannot change nothing in the past, that is old history, you can only be in control of YOUR behavior today and in the future.
If your son wants to dwell on the past that is his choice, it doesn’t matter or change anything. But most of all, do NOT allow his polluted words to cause you any type of guilt!

When you let things he says out of his messed up mentality to upset you or make you feel guilty, you are giving in to his sickness, which makes him happy!

Remember that his memories and thoughts are convoluted and stop believing and giving in.

[Ourworld]

Hi BrighterTomorrow,

I wanted to let you know that when I was 3 years old I had emergency surgery, afterwards they found kidney damage and my Mom told me I was there for 3 weeks after that. She said that I was distressed and would only allow her and my grandmother in my room.
But I Do Not remember any of that time, it was difficult for my Mom to talk about it to let me know what had occurred.

My point is, if anyone would know about something like this happening, it would be the parent(s). So if you do not know of anything like what he said occurred at 4 years of age, it’s really all in his mind.

OurWorld